My dearest friends, do you remember what I told you at the end of the previous chapter?
I am sure you all would love to know what was hidden, for real, in that famous conversation that our two beloved lovebirds had the morning after their first night of love.
That's what I said.
Yeah, sure. That famous conversation.
Well, my friends, let us assume that - for reasons, all things considered, not too difficult to understand - the screenwriters of the TV show wanted not to or could not reveal what had really happened between Trip and T'Pol in their first night. Let us admit even that, effectively, the screenwriters were unaware of what had occurred.
Let us admit all this. Indeed most likely it's just so. The screenwriters did not have anyone able to tell them all the details that my ancestor had the good fortune to know and that he has passed down to me.
But nonetheless, notwithstanding all this, is it really thinkable that such a conversation could have taken place without there being, in fact, behind those words, behind the words of Trip and T'Pol - behind their expressions, behind their faces, inside their thoughts - something quite different from what might appear?
You see, my friends, that scene, I mean the scene of the television show in which this conversation was reported, appears, wanting to see well, absurd, not to say anything worse.
Oh I know, I know. There are not few people that have found - and find - fun this scene. But - let me just be honest (at least as much honest as it may be a liar) - what the hell there can be funny in such a scene, in such a dialogue? Is it fun a T'Pol - a woman - who, after having literally seduced a man, tells him that she did this to explore his sexual behavior? Indeed, and even worse, the sexual behavior of the species to which this man belongs? Apart from the obvious personal offense that such a statement can not but be for him, what do you think this man might think of such a woman? Well, maybe it's better not to say it very clearly.
And it is even better to avoid expressing clearly the opinion that a woman could have- any woman, Human, Vulcan, of any breed - for a man who, when faced with a behaviour so outrageous and bad - these are the right words - from the woman who dragged him - literally - in her bed, would act towards her so feebly, foolishly, stupidly, in such a ignominiously yielding way, just as a cowardly rabbit, as did (would have done) Trip? Who - I believe none of us have need to be convinced about this - was anything but weak or silly or stupid or submissive or rabbit-like.
Hey, Asso! But you're talking about a Vulcan woman! Are you forgetting it?
Oh no, my dear friends, I do not forget at all. But - allow me yet - being Vulcans, means it being stupid? O cruel? Or insensitive? My friends, my readers, I know very well the Vulcans, lots of them are my friends and I can state in all confidence that they are different (not too much, though) from us, but they are neither stupid nor cruel nor insensitive. They are logical (or at least they try to be logical, in their own way), but precisely because they are logical, none of them - ever - would act like T'Pol on that occasion.
Unless - and here is the point - unless there had been for T'Pol a specific reason to behave in such a manner, a reason that she found someway decidedly logical, even if, to see well, maybe it was very far from being so. And, listen well, a reason whose existence, Trip could have been able to perceive, someway, even without knowing exactly what it was, and that prompted him to act, in turn, the way he did. For his sake, sure, but perhaps even more for T'Pol's sake.
Oh well, that's enough, my friends. I think I have told you even too. Better go read the chapter here below, do not you think? Certainly, one thing is sure. If I (or my ancestor, who knows) am nothing but a damned liar, an inventor of false truths, well, the false truth that you can find here, sounds much more realistic than the real truth that has been seen on the screen.
Do not you believe that?
I am sure you all would love to know what was hidden, for real, in that famous conversation that our two beloved lovebirds had the morning after their first night of love.
That's what I said.
Yeah, sure. That famous conversation.
Well, my friends, let us assume that - for reasons, all things considered, not too difficult to understand - the screenwriters of the TV show wanted not to or could not reveal what had really happened between Trip and T'Pol in their first night. Let us admit even that, effectively, the screenwriters were unaware of what had occurred.
Let us admit all this. Indeed most likely it's just so. The screenwriters did not have anyone able to tell them all the details that my ancestor had the good fortune to know and that he has passed down to me.
But nonetheless, notwithstanding all this, is it really thinkable that such a conversation could have taken place without there being, in fact, behind those words, behind the words of Trip and T'Pol - behind their expressions, behind their faces, inside their thoughts - something quite different from what might appear?
You see, my friends, that scene, I mean the scene of the television show in which this conversation was reported, appears, wanting to see well, absurd, not to say anything worse.
Oh I know, I know. There are not few people that have found - and find - fun this scene. But - let me just be honest (at least as much honest as it may be a liar) - what the hell there can be funny in such a scene, in such a dialogue? Is it fun a T'Pol - a woman - who, after having literally seduced a man, tells him that she did this to explore his sexual behavior? Indeed, and even worse, the sexual behavior of the species to which this man belongs? Apart from the obvious personal offense that such a statement can not but be for him, what do you think this man might think of such a woman? Well, maybe it's better not to say it very clearly.
And it is even better to avoid expressing clearly the opinion that a woman could have- any woman, Human, Vulcan, of any breed - for a man who, when faced with a behaviour so outrageous and bad - these are the right words - from the woman who dragged him - literally - in her bed, would act towards her so feebly, foolishly, stupidly, in such a ignominiously yielding way, just as a cowardly rabbit, as did (would have done) Trip? Who - I believe none of us have need to be convinced about this - was anything but weak or silly or stupid or submissive or rabbit-like.
Hey, Asso! But you're talking about a Vulcan woman! Are you forgetting it?
Oh no, my dear friends, I do not forget at all. But - allow me yet - being Vulcans, means it being stupid? O cruel? Or insensitive? My friends, my readers, I know very well the Vulcans, lots of them are my friends and I can state in all confidence that they are different (not too much, though) from us, but they are neither stupid nor cruel nor insensitive. They are logical (or at least they try to be logical, in their own way), but precisely because they are logical, none of them - ever - would act like T'Pol on that occasion.
Unless - and here is the point - unless there had been for T'Pol a specific reason to behave in such a manner, a reason that she found someway decidedly logical, even if, to see well, maybe it was very far from being so. And, listen well, a reason whose existence, Trip could have been able to perceive, someway, even without knowing exactly what it was, and that prompted him to act, in turn, the way he did. For his sake, sure, but perhaps even more for T'Pol's sake.
Oh well, that's enough, my friends. I think I have told you even too. Better go read the chapter here below, do not you think? Certainly, one thing is sure. If I (or my ancestor, who knows) am nothing but a damned liar, an inventor of false truths, well, the false truth that you can find here, sounds much more realistic than the real truth that has been seen on the screen.
Do not you believe that?
Well, then read here
And, if you will allow me, this time I am not at all sure to be truly eager to remind you again that this is fanfiction.
No. I'm not at all sure.
Even a liar sometimes can be tired to tell lies.
Even a liar sometimes may be desirous to tell the truth.
Of course, still keeping in mind that a liar, much as he can be honest, remains always a liar.
Chapter Six
The reason why
The reason why
The artificial dawn of Enterprise is almost here, and I am here, in my room, enlightened by the faint flame's glimmer of the meditation candles, sitting lotus position… wakeful… trying to pull myself together, after this night… eventful .
Uselessly.
It has been difficult to… play the role of the usual, cold, efficient Vulcan First Officer all people know I am… (*I was…*)
My culture, the training and the habit of a whole lifetime, helped me to imprison in the depths of my soul the agonizing turmoil I was feeling, while I was operating, apparently sure and quiet, on the bridge, next to the Captain, during the emergency caused by the Alien.
No one noticed anything strange, in me. I… I’m certain.
No one has been able to observe the smallest hesitation in my acting, the smallest deviation from my normal behaviour.
No one, not even… Ensign Sato… said anything about my slight delay to reach my post, in the confusion of the events.
And… no one… not even Ensign Sato… paid attention to… to the wetness of my hair, to… the unperceivable trembling of my hands.
But the turmoil was there, inside me. And it is yet here, indomitable, in spite of my efforts, impossible to control with the meditation, stronger more than ever. Stronger than me.
It is at the surface, by now, and dominates me.
I try to breathe deeply and regularly, my eyes closed and my hands lying on my knees, in the attempt to find the peace I indeed need.
In vain.
I open my eyes, defeated, and all the images and the sensations and the words and the thoughts of the night run free and powerful inside me and around me.
I, who offer myself, nude, to him.
His stunned look.
I, who throw myself upon him. With unrestrained desire.
His joyous acceptance.
His hands on my hips.
The paradise… the paradise of my first orgasm, the first orgasm of my life, which… which he… he gave me with his tongue.
I shut my eyes, again, tightly, reliving vividly, as if it was here and now, the marvellous, heartbreaking feel of his tongue inside me, of his hands playing my body totally opened to him, of the losing myself in him.
What have I done?
(*What have I done? *)
I leap up to my feet, eyes widened, my fists clenched until they spasm.
(*What have I done? *)
How… how was I able to behave like this?
How is it possible that I have done what I did?
That I was… imploring him… to take me? To make me his? To… pick up, in his hands, the…
The words he would use go spontaneously to my mouth.
“The flower of my virginity!”
How, how, how!?!
I begin to oscillate on my feet, my head swaying from one side to the other, an unconscious whine running low in my mouth.
Shame be upon me! Shame!
My virginity! To him! To a man not of my race! To a Human! Emotional! Volatile! Inconsiderate! To him!
(*TO HIM! *)
Him…
I breathe long and deep, shutting my eyes again.
Him… who so sweetly, carefully… amorously… has taken possession of me!
And again the astounding feelings and sensations of the night, of our passionate encounter of… love… seize me.
His arms that enwrap me…
His hands that caress my skin.
My arms that hold him to me.
His mouth that kisses my mouth.
His lips…
His tongue…
His body that sinks into mine.
My body… filled with him!
His seed… hot… inside me!
The paradise of our shared bliss!
I feel overwhelmed!
I crumble to my knees.
As… a movie… as a movie like those he showed to me… it flows before my eyes again... all the scenes, all the sighs, all the pleasure of our passion night. As…a movie.
The movie of my complete and utter fall from logic.
All, I see again. And I… feel! All!
ALL!
I wanted him again!
I welcomed him … in my mouth!
I revealed myself, and gave myself to him without restraint, in my body and in my soul, luxuriating in the sight and in the feel of him – who watched and tasted me so undone, basking in the libidinous awareness of his lordship over me.
I luxuriated in the sight of his eyes which drank in lustfully the view of my body, naked to him and for him.
And…
My eyes snap open wide.
I marked him as my own!
Him! The most Human of the Humans. Him!
How was I be able to do this? To take him as my… chosen one?
How was my katra able to really believe that a human and a Vulcan can have a future together? That I and he can stay together?
I jump up yet again and run toward the bed, and I flop down upon it, face down, an unfamiliar wish inside me.
A wish... to cry.
I lay my right cheek on the blanket, my eyes moist, and put my hands next my head, my arms bent.
And I push with the fingers of my left hand against my mouth, trying to restrain the cry inside.
(*How? *)
How was I able to fall down so completely?
How is it possible I am incapable of controlling myself? Of giving in so to emotions?
(*Emotions… Emotions! *)
EMOTIONS!
(*I know why! *)
I know why!
I’m damned! Lost! Damned! Damned! DAMNED!
I'm the shadow of myself.
I made my damnation with my own hands!
I lift my torso, straightening out my arms and pushing my hands flat on the bed, raising my head and turning my face ahead.
A shout comes out, choked, from my mouth.
“TRELLIUM!”
The Trellium I wanted in order to… to savor emotions. To be able to taste them without fear.
I jump to sit, throwing my back against the wall and pushing my legs against my chest.
I encircle them with my arms and rub my face against my knees.
My tearful voice frees up the thought I never expressed, not even to myself.
“The Trellium I wanted so I would be capable of loving like Human women do. To be able… to love him! Without fear of being … rejected by him! ”
Because he … got in under my skin!
I wanted him, and I didn’t know what I would have to do, how I would have to do it.
And so… I began… my addiction, without daring to confess to myself the true reason.
And when at last my jealousy pulled the trigger, I found the courage to do what I did.
I lift my head aloft, swallowing, trying not to cry.
And now Trellium has reduced me to this point.
I am dust!
Unworthy to be a Vulcan!
Who will save me?
WHO WILL HELP ME?
And my eyes enlarge, while the obvious… logical… answer emerges on my lips.
“My K’diwa will save me!”
My… K’diwa!
I did think it. I did say it.
I… think it.
It’s… true!
True! Like…
I put my face down, on my knees, sighing with joy and with dread.
Like it’s true the… the… bond… I feel… I know… has become established between us.
(*I wanted him, and I had him, and I have him. And he, my K’diwa…*) – I feel inside me a delight I never did think might exist! - (*…my K’diwa… had me, and wanted me, and… wants me! *)
He is bonded with me!
He doesn't know it, can't know it! He is not a Vulcan! But it's so!
I murmur these words with stunned and joyous marvel.
“It’s so!”
And I savour again inside me the gorgeous sensation of our shared acting... of our thinking in unison, when we were preparing ourselves, after our lovemaking, in great haste, in worry, in disbelief... and in joy. As we were...
(*One! *)
I close my eyes, sighing.
ONE!
Yes, one!
One, when we played our love games.
One, when he emptied himself inside my body the second time.
One, when I shouted his name in my release.
One, when he saved me, as…
(*As he will save me, yet again! *)
As forever he will do!
My… K’diwa!
I can’t help but sighing again, lovingly and dreamingly, and my arms go around me, on their own will, embracing myself, as I was hugging him and holding him tightly to me!
And I begin to move as if I’m cradling him on my chest!
But how is it possible that there was a time during which I was judging… incomprehensible… ridiculous… this thing that Humans call love? That Vulcans want… to drown in their past? to control? This marvellous thing that is capable of merging two bodies and two souls?
As if they were... one.
I sigh again, blissful and incredulous of my… - how do they say, how would he say? - of my… godsend, while I’m going on with my rocking, reliving the unspeakable intimacy we have shared, the astounding interpenetration which has joined us, each with the other.
Each in the other.
As we were one.
One body, one mind, one soul, one heart.
ONE!
I and he.
I and... my K’diwa!
My T’hai’la, my Ashal-veh!
My Ashayam!
I stand up – Quickly! Swiftly! - unable to bear the overwhelming... happiness… I feel.
I start to walk to and fro, in agitation, pacing rapidly across the floor, the way Humans do, the way HE does, when he is trying to relieve the strain, and I notice – abruptly – I notice... I'm moving my tongue inside my mouth, against my cheek!
I stop, suddenly, my eyes wide open, my mouth ajar, my arms motionless at my sides.
In wonder and in knowledge.
My lips move, spontaneously.
I whisper.
“WE ARE ONE!”
I slip down slowly to the floor and sit on it, leaning against the bed’s edge, with my legs crossed, and I cover my mouth with my hands.
As if I’m afraid new words might slide out from my lips.
Words which mustn’t be said.
What are Vulcans to me? What is my home world?
Who cares, if the reproof of my race will fall on me? If I will be banished from my native land?
Already I defied the High Command! I will do it one more time! And I will defy the Captain, and Starfleet, too, if necessary!
Because, even if I must lose everything else… I will have him!
(*I will have you, my T’hai’la! I … have… you! *)
I’m unable to stay firm.
I have to move!
I stand up quickly. I go swiftly towards the window and I stare out, into the endless black space.
(*Oh yes, yes, yes! You will be my home world! You will be… you are my refuge, my trusted haven, my safe shelter! With you I will be capable of controlling these... emotions! You will help me! You will save me! Yes! And when... *)
I open my eyes wide, at the sudden, dire thought.
(*… When you will leave me, at the end of your life, I… I will have… your everlasting memory! *)
I lower my eyelids, endeavouring to fight against the tumult I feel inside me.
(*And perhaps…*)
I turn slowly and, my back leaning on the wall, I slid little by little along it on the floor, once more.
I curl my knees against my bosom and I hold them to me, laying my face upon them, breathing sharp at the illogical, absurd, poignant… wonderful… thought which has filled my mind.
And which inexorably finds a feeble voice in my mouth.
“Perhaps… I will have with me, to… to remind me of you… I will have… the children I will give you!”
I hold my knees tightly to me, as I’m clenching my eyes and my lips, in the hopeless attempt to control and alleviate the uproar within.
Without avail.
And the movie of this unforgettable night begins again to flow through my mind.
And I see myself again, while I re-emerge slowly from the maelstrom which engulfed me, after I screamed his name at the acme of my annihilating orgasm.
I see myself again on my bed.
I hear again my voice repeating his name in unison with the last waves of pleasure which make my body shiver.
I feel again his soft, warmish breath on my skin.
My hand, which caress delicately the nape of his neck.
My lips, which fondly kiss his cheek.
My… serenity!
His cowlick, which hangs down on his forehead.
My hand, which tenderly resettles it.
His beautiful, marvellous blue eyes, which widen in wonder and in bliss.
His question, when he whispered so sweetly my name.
I open my eyes slowly, without changing my position, rewatching myself dreamily while I was preparing to give him, finally, the answer he needed.
I know that he will face me soon, to demand this answer. The answer I wasn’t able to give him because of pressing events.
I can hear his unmistakable voice.
*********
[ “Morning T’Pol…” ]
*********
I will try to reply to him politely, with my usual tone.
*********
[“Commander.” ]
*********
He will sit near me, with a cup of strong and hot coffee between his hands, while I will keep on drinking my tea.
He will go on, smiling slightly, a little bit ill at ease.
*********
[ “Some night.” ]
*********
I… YES!... I feel amusement at the thought that he will try to get to the matter, in such an awkward way, in a way so… his own!
I know it! I know him! More…
A mild heat warms my heart.
(*… More than anyone else! *)
I will reply to him, with nonchalance.
*********
[“Eventful.” ]
*********
He will watch me with a puzzled look.
*********
[“Eventful, T’Pol?
“Indubitably, the Alien has given us a lot of work to do.”
“The alien has gone. The two of us are here.”
“I don't know what you mean.”
“Don’t…don’t you?” ]
*********
I will watch him, from the border of my cup of tea.
*********
[“Do you refer to what happened between us, in my quarters?” ]
*********
He will observe me nervously.
*********
[“Y…y… yeesss…”
“It was… agreeable.”
“A… agreeable, T’Pol?” ]
*********
And I will cease to act as if nothing had happened.
I will watch him with laughing eyes, and I will take his hand, also in open air.
I will say it to him!
*********
[“It was… splendid… Trip!” ]
*********
Yes! I will use his nickname! And I will have fun watching his mouth fall open.
Then I will go on, with low voice.
*********
[“And for you?” ]
*********
I know! I know what his answer will be!
*********
[“It was… I was… You were… I… love you, T’Pol!” ]
*********
I will melt, and, withdraw shamefully my hand, I will attempt to hide my delight raising my eyebrow. And to hide my inner upheaval, well knowing his next step.
He will talk... faltering.
*********
[“A… a… and… y… yyy….?” ]
*********
I will answer, showing my stoic Vulcan demeanour, trying in this way not to give in to the wish to kiss him in front of everyone.
*********
[“Commander, I think… my behaviour was sufficient explanation.” ]
*********
He will keep on, without relenting. He… NEVER… relents!
*********
[“I… I want to know, T’Pol! Tell me what you mean. Without… Vulcanisms!” ]
*********
And I… joyously… will give vent to my heart! Finally!
*********
[“Your… your feelings are returned, Commander!” ]
*********
He will smile at me with one of those smiles of his, making my heart hasten its beats, and he will grasp my hand again, holding it tightly.
Then he will begin to try to soften the atmosphere, with his enchanting humor.
*********
[“So, you were attracted to me?” ]
*********
I will no longer pretend to ignore the reality of our... love…
*********
[“Yes, as you were to me.” ]
*********
He will smile again.
*********
[“You are right.” ]
*********
I will want to know, exactly like him.
*********
[“Is it the truth?”]
*********
And I know what he will say to me!
*********
[“Sure! Long since!” ]
*********
He will smile yet again, with his warm smile, going on.
*********
[“Long since, darlin’! Like… ” ]
*********
He will observe me with that teasing air of his, so irritating to me, and so irresistible.
*********
[“Like you!” ]
*********
I won’t be able to help but almost smile in return.
He will understand, and will…
He will…
I raise my head abruptly, frowning, in fear.
He… will ask me…
*********
[“I never would have found the courage to display my feelings to you, hon. I… I was afraid of your raised eyebrow! But, thank God, you did it. How… how did you decide to take the initiative?” ]
*********
He will smirk maliciously, keeping on with his talk.
*********
[“Was it your… jealousy?” ]
*********
I will have to respond to him with the truth!
*********
[“My… jealousy, and… and…” ]
*********
He will observe me, curious and waiting, while I begin to swallow, uneasily.
*********
[“And?” ]
*********
I leap up, ter… terrorized!
I bring my hands to cover my mouth!
I start to breathe harshly!
“You… you will understand, T’hai’la, won't you?"
I begin to tremble. My hands shake.
“You… will understand, T’hai’la! You will understand it hasn't been the Trellium!"
I can’t stop my quivering.
I start to cry out!
“It hasn’t been that! It hasn’t been that! I… I love you, T’hai’la! I love you! Trellium or no Trellium! You will understand! YOU MUST UNDERSTAND! ”
I begin again to pace the floor, briskly, twisting my hands.
“Oh yes, yes, yes! You will understand! Yes! You will understand! SURE! And you…”
I stop all of a sudden!
I turn, searching for… searching for…
I don’t know for what!
I turn again!
And again!
And again!
I fall on the floor, curled in a trembling ball!
The fearsome awareness of what is happening to me hits me. Devastatingly.
I hear my voice, tremulous.
“Will you be able to understand, my K’diwa, that I’m…”
My voice breaks.
“Will you be able to want…”
I feel myself dying inside.
“…an… addict? ”
The thoughts run the one after the other, like a whirlwind; I’m incapable of halting them.
(*An addict! That's what I am! An addict! And how will I be able to tell him? And how will he react? Will he be capable of understanding? Of comprehending me? Or …*)
The horror!
(*Or he won’t understand and … and I… I will have turned my back on myself and my people... for nothing! To spend my life alone and rejected, by my people and by him! For having… for having NOT his love, but his disapproval! Because…*)
The words go inevitably to my lips.
“Because I have failed in my dignity and my responsibilities of First Officer of Enterprise, of Second in Command! As a woman and as a Vulcan! And because… I have hidden the truth from everyone.”
I can hear his voice, bitter and sarcastic – “Vulcans don’t lie, do they? Eh, hon?”
I feel the cry break free.
(*I lied to him! *)
NO!
I straighten my back suddenly, clenching my mouth and my fists, trying to breathe normally and to calm down.
(*I lied, but I won’t be ever again! *)
“And you…”
My weak voice finds the road to come out, free, from the depth of my soul.
I close my eyes, in the crazy hope.
“You will understand me, my K’diwa. You will want me yet, T’hai’la! You…”
I join my hands, beseeching.
“You cannot forget our night of love…all the passion and the love you taught me!”
I open my eyes again, my voice trembling, unsure.
“I’m… sure!”
And then… the… the terror, yet again!
(*And if I am mistaken? If what I have done is so grievous to him that he cannot forgive it? That he cannot give me the warm humanity he is capable of offering to everybody? Just because I am not… everybody… for him? *)
I seize my knees firmly, and clench them.
I take a deep breath.
(*I will tell nothing to him! I will show him all my love, and nothing else! I won't run the risk of losing him! I will hide the truth from him! I will lie! *)
And he will know it!
With his queer instinct. With his penetrating cleverness. With his ability to read everyone.
Especially... and above all... me!
I shake in the knowledge of the veracity of these thoughts and in the uncertainty of what I have to do.
A love based on lies!
I close my eyes again, my hands sweaty.
(*That’s what I want? That’s my… destiny? The destiny I want to condemn him to?*)
NO! I don’t want that!
(*I… I will…*)
I feel my heart beat madly inside me.
(*I will tell him everything! EVERYTHING! And my T’hai’la will understand, and won’t beat me off! No! He will help me! He will be close to me! He will want me! *)
HE WILL WANT ME!
I pant, whimpering feebly and weakly.
(*And I will be capable of ceasing my addiction, with you next to me! And I will love you, with my whole self! I will give you my whole self! I…*)
I gasp, raising my head all at once and broadening my eyes at the deadly doubt which pierces my mind suddenly, like a sharp and red-hot knife.
How will I be able to love him… without Trellium? The way Human women do? How… how will I be capable of giving him the love he searches for, he needs?
I’m Vulcan, I don’t know the road. I…
(*I will disappoint you, my K’diwa! I will dissatisfy you! *)
Something I haven’t ever felt chokes my whole being.
It’s an awful sensation, a feeling… destroying and harrowing.
Is it… despair?
I shrink in a quivering lump of… desperation.
Crying, whining.
Dying.
I'm trapped, at bay.
There's no way to escape. Any road is a dead end.
And suddenly another emotion turns up inside me. I feel myself get… get angry. Angry with him!
(*It’s his fault! Because of him I reduced myself to such a point! *)
It’s his fault! Only his!
(*It’s his fault if I fell in love! *)
It’s his fault if I’m incapable of thinking… logically, if I searched these… these damned emotions, if I searched his love, if I…
(*If I love him! *)
I stay so for a long while.
Pining and thinking.
(*With the Trellium, I will destroy myself eventually, and you with me, my Ashayam.
Without the Trellium, I will destroy you eventually, and me with you, my Ashayam.
If you are with me, I will destroy both us eventually, in some way or other, my Ashayam.
But if we are not together, I will destroy only…*)
I stand up, slowly, and I stare steadily into the void.
I have made my decision.
I have decided to die inside.
I won't abnegate my race and I won't beguile him.
I won't risk losing him just the moment I have found him, and I won’t drag him into a future of untruth and of confusion
But I don’t want to disappoint him.
I want him to be… happy!
I raise my face, sensing moisture on my cheeks.
(*I will deny myself to you, my K’diwa! I will treat you badly, with… Vulcan coldness! I will tell you that you… that you… have been nothing more than an experiment… my way to explore… to explore human sexuality! *)
I lower my head.
(*That all we have shared has nothing to do with matters of… the heart. *)
I endeavour to breathe.
(*That you had my body. Not my soul. *)
I rub my tear-filled eyes with the back of my hands, and I go slowly toward my bed – the bed where we loved each other – and I sink on it, once again. Face down, once again.
Crying plainly. Again.
And his voice resounds once more in my mind. Dismayed. Incredulous. Attempting to force me.
He will insist, without relenting. He… NEVER… relents!
*********
[“T’Pol! And… and your looks? Your gestures?”
“I don’t know what you mean.” ]
*********
What… what is this clamp on my chest?
*********
[“T’Pol! That… that caress on the nape of my neck! That kiss! That kiss on my cheek! And your hand resettling my cowlick! The shower! And the kiss in the corridor! DURING THE TACTICAL ALERT! And then.. you cannot tell me that you gave yourself to a man for the first time in your life for… for a mere experiment! ”
“Doubtlessly some of my actions of the night are explainable with difficulty. It’s probable that the Expanse has something to do with all that, and with all that happened this night between us. But, unlike other emotional races, Vulcans are always capable of finding again the rational road.” ]
*********
And… these choked noises that are coming out from my throat?
*********
[“And that word?”
“Which word?” ]
*********
Are they… are they… what Humans call… sobs?
*********
[“K’… K’d… K’di…“
“I think you are getting emotional. You’re overworked. You’re having aural hallucinations. You should consult with the doctor.” ]
*********
Yes! I think… I’m sobbing.
*********
[“Ha… hallucinations?!?” ]
*********
It’s seems to me I can see his eyes, enlarged, angry… sad.
I… I will have to speak like this to him, because I don’t want to run the risk of keeping his friendship yet. I DON’T WANT HIS FRIENDSHIP! I want one thing I never will be able to have. I want… I would want… his love!
(*And how would I be able to bear your closeness and your friendship, my K’diwa, without dying day after day – night after night! – devoid of your love?! *)
Humans say that crying is… liberating. It… it doesn’t seem that way to me!
I see his face among my sobs and through my misty eyes. His handsome, sorrowful face, looking at me one last time, before turning and leaving me alone with my destiny!
(*My destiny of solitude, without you! *)
And I will jog on to my quarters, and there... I will cry... and will sob... desperate...
Like now.
(*You'll have to suffer through it, I… I know! But… you will forget me, little by little, in your Human way. *)
I bite my lips.
(*And perhaps I will keep my emotions suppressed, somehow, in my Vulcan way. Perhaps I will manage to fight against my addiction, somehow, also without you next to me, in my Vulcan way. *)
It is bitter, my tears' taste!
(*And I will wilt, little by little, without you, my K’diwa. In my Vulcan way! *)
And our bond…
I snap my head up.
I… scream!!!
“Which bond? Which bond? Which bond? ”
The words come bitterly from me, among my unrestrainable sobs.
"Ha... ha... "
I yell it in the air.
"Hallucinations! "
I drop down my head, hiding and pressing my face on the bed, my mouth damping down that word against the bedsheet.
"Hallucinations! "
I try to control my tears bt rubbing my face against the sheet, and, in my weeping, I sniffle.
And I inhale… his scent in my bed!
Like a harrowing lash of the whip into my flesh!
It permeates and pervades me!
It inebriates me!
It brings inside itself all the sensations, the feelings... all the love he has given to me. The vision and the perception of all that he might give me yet. And that he will no longer give to me. That I will no longer have. NEVERMORE!
I straighten on my bed.
I begin to shake, yet again!
How… where… will I find the courage… the strength... to make my decision?
How will I do it? How? HOW?
Who… what… will give me the strength?
WHAT?
I stand up, mumbling and gesticulating.
Incoherently.
WHAT?
I… I… know… what!
I’m damned! Lost! Damned! Damned! DAMNED!
I'm the shadow of myself.
I made my damnation with my own hands!
I run toward my bathroom, eyes wide.
I stop abruptly in front of my bathroom, open the door and enter it quickly.
I… I need… I desperately need… to find the strength!
I stare, gazing at the drawer I well know.
I must find the strength! I must!
I…
I seize the knob of the drawer.
I pull it forcefully and I open the drawer.
I look into the drawer and see it.
A little ampoule.
I grasp it. I run toward my desk. I open the drawer. I grip the… device which is inside.
I put the ampoule in the device.
I bring the device to my neck.
I inject… the Trellium… into my veins.
Uselessly.
It has been difficult to… play the role of the usual, cold, efficient Vulcan First Officer all people know I am… (*I was…*)
My culture, the training and the habit of a whole lifetime, helped me to imprison in the depths of my soul the agonizing turmoil I was feeling, while I was operating, apparently sure and quiet, on the bridge, next to the Captain, during the emergency caused by the Alien.
No one noticed anything strange, in me. I… I’m certain.
No one has been able to observe the smallest hesitation in my acting, the smallest deviation from my normal behaviour.
No one, not even… Ensign Sato… said anything about my slight delay to reach my post, in the confusion of the events.
And… no one… not even Ensign Sato… paid attention to… to the wetness of my hair, to… the unperceivable trembling of my hands.
But the turmoil was there, inside me. And it is yet here, indomitable, in spite of my efforts, impossible to control with the meditation, stronger more than ever. Stronger than me.
It is at the surface, by now, and dominates me.
I try to breathe deeply and regularly, my eyes closed and my hands lying on my knees, in the attempt to find the peace I indeed need.
In vain.
I open my eyes, defeated, and all the images and the sensations and the words and the thoughts of the night run free and powerful inside me and around me.
I, who offer myself, nude, to him.
His stunned look.
I, who throw myself upon him. With unrestrained desire.
His joyous acceptance.
His hands on my hips.
The paradise… the paradise of my first orgasm, the first orgasm of my life, which… which he… he gave me with his tongue.
I shut my eyes, again, tightly, reliving vividly, as if it was here and now, the marvellous, heartbreaking feel of his tongue inside me, of his hands playing my body totally opened to him, of the losing myself in him.
What have I done?
(*What have I done? *)
I leap up to my feet, eyes widened, my fists clenched until they spasm.
(*What have I done? *)
How… how was I able to behave like this?
How is it possible that I have done what I did?
That I was… imploring him… to take me? To make me his? To… pick up, in his hands, the…
The words he would use go spontaneously to my mouth.
“The flower of my virginity!”
How, how, how!?!
I begin to oscillate on my feet, my head swaying from one side to the other, an unconscious whine running low in my mouth.
Shame be upon me! Shame!
My virginity! To him! To a man not of my race! To a Human! Emotional! Volatile! Inconsiderate! To him!
(*TO HIM! *)
Him…
I breathe long and deep, shutting my eyes again.
Him… who so sweetly, carefully… amorously… has taken possession of me!
And again the astounding feelings and sensations of the night, of our passionate encounter of… love… seize me.
His arms that enwrap me…
His hands that caress my skin.
My arms that hold him to me.
His mouth that kisses my mouth.
His lips…
His tongue…
His body that sinks into mine.
My body… filled with him!
His seed… hot… inside me!
The paradise of our shared bliss!
I feel overwhelmed!
I crumble to my knees.
As… a movie… as a movie like those he showed to me… it flows before my eyes again... all the scenes, all the sighs, all the pleasure of our passion night. As…a movie.
The movie of my complete and utter fall from logic.
All, I see again. And I… feel! All!
ALL!
I wanted him again!
I welcomed him … in my mouth!
I revealed myself, and gave myself to him without restraint, in my body and in my soul, luxuriating in the sight and in the feel of him – who watched and tasted me so undone, basking in the libidinous awareness of his lordship over me.
I luxuriated in the sight of his eyes which drank in lustfully the view of my body, naked to him and for him.
And…
My eyes snap open wide.
I marked him as my own!
Him! The most Human of the Humans. Him!
How was I be able to do this? To take him as my… chosen one?
How was my katra able to really believe that a human and a Vulcan can have a future together? That I and he can stay together?
I jump up yet again and run toward the bed, and I flop down upon it, face down, an unfamiliar wish inside me.
A wish... to cry.
I lay my right cheek on the blanket, my eyes moist, and put my hands next my head, my arms bent.
And I push with the fingers of my left hand against my mouth, trying to restrain the cry inside.
(*How? *)
How was I able to fall down so completely?
How is it possible I am incapable of controlling myself? Of giving in so to emotions?
(*Emotions… Emotions! *)
EMOTIONS!
(*I know why! *)
I know why!
I’m damned! Lost! Damned! Damned! DAMNED!
I'm the shadow of myself.
I made my damnation with my own hands!
I lift my torso, straightening out my arms and pushing my hands flat on the bed, raising my head and turning my face ahead.
A shout comes out, choked, from my mouth.
“TRELLIUM!”
The Trellium I wanted in order to… to savor emotions. To be able to taste them without fear.
I jump to sit, throwing my back against the wall and pushing my legs against my chest.
I encircle them with my arms and rub my face against my knees.
My tearful voice frees up the thought I never expressed, not even to myself.
“The Trellium I wanted so I would be capable of loving like Human women do. To be able… to love him! Without fear of being … rejected by him! ”
Because he … got in under my skin!
I wanted him, and I didn’t know what I would have to do, how I would have to do it.
And so… I began… my addiction, without daring to confess to myself the true reason.
And when at last my jealousy pulled the trigger, I found the courage to do what I did.
I lift my head aloft, swallowing, trying not to cry.
And now Trellium has reduced me to this point.
I am dust!
Unworthy to be a Vulcan!
Who will save me?
WHO WILL HELP ME?
And my eyes enlarge, while the obvious… logical… answer emerges on my lips.
“My K’diwa will save me!”
My… K’diwa!
I did think it. I did say it.
I… think it.
It’s… true!
True! Like…
I put my face down, on my knees, sighing with joy and with dread.
Like it’s true the… the… bond… I feel… I know… has become established between us.
(*I wanted him, and I had him, and I have him. And he, my K’diwa…*) – I feel inside me a delight I never did think might exist! - (*…my K’diwa… had me, and wanted me, and… wants me! *)
He is bonded with me!
He doesn't know it, can't know it! He is not a Vulcan! But it's so!
I murmur these words with stunned and joyous marvel.
“It’s so!”
And I savour again inside me the gorgeous sensation of our shared acting... of our thinking in unison, when we were preparing ourselves, after our lovemaking, in great haste, in worry, in disbelief... and in joy. As we were...
(*One! *)
I close my eyes, sighing.
ONE!
Yes, one!
One, when we played our love games.
One, when he emptied himself inside my body the second time.
One, when I shouted his name in my release.
One, when he saved me, as…
(*As he will save me, yet again! *)
As forever he will do!
My… K’diwa!
I can’t help but sighing again, lovingly and dreamingly, and my arms go around me, on their own will, embracing myself, as I was hugging him and holding him tightly to me!
And I begin to move as if I’m cradling him on my chest!
But how is it possible that there was a time during which I was judging… incomprehensible… ridiculous… this thing that Humans call love? That Vulcans want… to drown in their past? to control? This marvellous thing that is capable of merging two bodies and two souls?
As if they were... one.
I sigh again, blissful and incredulous of my… - how do they say, how would he say? - of my… godsend, while I’m going on with my rocking, reliving the unspeakable intimacy we have shared, the astounding interpenetration which has joined us, each with the other.
Each in the other.
As we were one.
One body, one mind, one soul, one heart.
ONE!
I and he.
I and... my K’diwa!
My T’hai’la, my Ashal-veh!
My Ashayam!
I stand up – Quickly! Swiftly! - unable to bear the overwhelming... happiness… I feel.
I start to walk to and fro, in agitation, pacing rapidly across the floor, the way Humans do, the way HE does, when he is trying to relieve the strain, and I notice – abruptly – I notice... I'm moving my tongue inside my mouth, against my cheek!
I stop, suddenly, my eyes wide open, my mouth ajar, my arms motionless at my sides.
In wonder and in knowledge.
My lips move, spontaneously.
I whisper.
“WE ARE ONE!”
I slip down slowly to the floor and sit on it, leaning against the bed’s edge, with my legs crossed, and I cover my mouth with my hands.
As if I’m afraid new words might slide out from my lips.
Words which mustn’t be said.
What are Vulcans to me? What is my home world?
Who cares, if the reproof of my race will fall on me? If I will be banished from my native land?
Already I defied the High Command! I will do it one more time! And I will defy the Captain, and Starfleet, too, if necessary!
Because, even if I must lose everything else… I will have him!
(*I will have you, my T’hai’la! I … have… you! *)
I’m unable to stay firm.
I have to move!
I stand up quickly. I go swiftly towards the window and I stare out, into the endless black space.
(*Oh yes, yes, yes! You will be my home world! You will be… you are my refuge, my trusted haven, my safe shelter! With you I will be capable of controlling these... emotions! You will help me! You will save me! Yes! And when... *)
I open my eyes wide, at the sudden, dire thought.
(*… When you will leave me, at the end of your life, I… I will have… your everlasting memory! *)
I lower my eyelids, endeavouring to fight against the tumult I feel inside me.
(*And perhaps…*)
I turn slowly and, my back leaning on the wall, I slid little by little along it on the floor, once more.
I curl my knees against my bosom and I hold them to me, laying my face upon them, breathing sharp at the illogical, absurd, poignant… wonderful… thought which has filled my mind.
And which inexorably finds a feeble voice in my mouth.
“Perhaps… I will have with me, to… to remind me of you… I will have… the children I will give you!”
I hold my knees tightly to me, as I’m clenching my eyes and my lips, in the hopeless attempt to control and alleviate the uproar within.
Without avail.
And the movie of this unforgettable night begins again to flow through my mind.
And I see myself again, while I re-emerge slowly from the maelstrom which engulfed me, after I screamed his name at the acme of my annihilating orgasm.
I see myself again on my bed.
I hear again my voice repeating his name in unison with the last waves of pleasure which make my body shiver.
I feel again his soft, warmish breath on my skin.
My hand, which caress delicately the nape of his neck.
My lips, which fondly kiss his cheek.
My… serenity!
His cowlick, which hangs down on his forehead.
My hand, which tenderly resettles it.
His beautiful, marvellous blue eyes, which widen in wonder and in bliss.
His question, when he whispered so sweetly my name.
I open my eyes slowly, without changing my position, rewatching myself dreamily while I was preparing to give him, finally, the answer he needed.
I know that he will face me soon, to demand this answer. The answer I wasn’t able to give him because of pressing events.
I can hear his unmistakable voice.
*********
[ “Morning T’Pol…” ]
*********
I will try to reply to him politely, with my usual tone.
*********
[“Commander.” ]
*********
He will sit near me, with a cup of strong and hot coffee between his hands, while I will keep on drinking my tea.
He will go on, smiling slightly, a little bit ill at ease.
*********
[ “Some night.” ]
*********
I… YES!... I feel amusement at the thought that he will try to get to the matter, in such an awkward way, in a way so… his own!
I know it! I know him! More…
A mild heat warms my heart.
(*… More than anyone else! *)
I will reply to him, with nonchalance.
*********
[“Eventful.” ]
*********
He will watch me with a puzzled look.
*********
[“Eventful, T’Pol?
“Indubitably, the Alien has given us a lot of work to do.”
“The alien has gone. The two of us are here.”
“I don't know what you mean.”
“Don’t…don’t you?” ]
*********
I will watch him, from the border of my cup of tea.
*********
[“Do you refer to what happened between us, in my quarters?” ]
*********
He will observe me nervously.
*********
[“Y…y… yeesss…”
“It was… agreeable.”
“A… agreeable, T’Pol?” ]
*********
And I will cease to act as if nothing had happened.
I will watch him with laughing eyes, and I will take his hand, also in open air.
I will say it to him!
*********
[“It was… splendid… Trip!” ]
*********
Yes! I will use his nickname! And I will have fun watching his mouth fall open.
Then I will go on, with low voice.
*********
[“And for you?” ]
*********
I know! I know what his answer will be!
*********
[“It was… I was… You were… I… love you, T’Pol!” ]
*********
I will melt, and, withdraw shamefully my hand, I will attempt to hide my delight raising my eyebrow. And to hide my inner upheaval, well knowing his next step.
He will talk... faltering.
*********
[“A… a… and… y… yyy….?” ]
*********
I will answer, showing my stoic Vulcan demeanour, trying in this way not to give in to the wish to kiss him in front of everyone.
*********
[“Commander, I think… my behaviour was sufficient explanation.” ]
*********
He will keep on, without relenting. He… NEVER… relents!
*********
[“I… I want to know, T’Pol! Tell me what you mean. Without… Vulcanisms!” ]
*********
And I… joyously… will give vent to my heart! Finally!
*********
[“Your… your feelings are returned, Commander!” ]
*********
He will smile at me with one of those smiles of his, making my heart hasten its beats, and he will grasp my hand again, holding it tightly.
Then he will begin to try to soften the atmosphere, with his enchanting humor.
*********
[“So, you were attracted to me?” ]
*********
I will no longer pretend to ignore the reality of our... love…
*********
[“Yes, as you were to me.” ]
*********
He will smile again.
*********
[“You are right.” ]
*********
I will want to know, exactly like him.
*********
[“Is it the truth?”]
*********
And I know what he will say to me!
*********
[“Sure! Long since!” ]
*********
He will smile yet again, with his warm smile, going on.
*********
[“Long since, darlin’! Like… ” ]
*********
He will observe me with that teasing air of his, so irritating to me, and so irresistible.
*********
[“Like you!” ]
*********
I won’t be able to help but almost smile in return.
He will understand, and will…
He will…
I raise my head abruptly, frowning, in fear.
He… will ask me…
*********
[“I never would have found the courage to display my feelings to you, hon. I… I was afraid of your raised eyebrow! But, thank God, you did it. How… how did you decide to take the initiative?” ]
*********
He will smirk maliciously, keeping on with his talk.
*********
[“Was it your… jealousy?” ]
*********
I will have to respond to him with the truth!
*********
[“My… jealousy, and… and…” ]
*********
He will observe me, curious and waiting, while I begin to swallow, uneasily.
*********
[“And?” ]
*********
I leap up, ter… terrorized!
I bring my hands to cover my mouth!
I start to breathe harshly!
“You… you will understand, T’hai’la, won't you?"
I begin to tremble. My hands shake.
“You… will understand, T’hai’la! You will understand it hasn't been the Trellium!"
I can’t stop my quivering.
I start to cry out!
“It hasn’t been that! It hasn’t been that! I… I love you, T’hai’la! I love you! Trellium or no Trellium! You will understand! YOU MUST UNDERSTAND! ”
I begin again to pace the floor, briskly, twisting my hands.
“Oh yes, yes, yes! You will understand! Yes! You will understand! SURE! And you…”
I stop all of a sudden!
I turn, searching for… searching for…
I don’t know for what!
I turn again!
And again!
And again!
I fall on the floor, curled in a trembling ball!
The fearsome awareness of what is happening to me hits me. Devastatingly.
I hear my voice, tremulous.
“Will you be able to understand, my K’diwa, that I’m…”
My voice breaks.
“Will you be able to want…”
I feel myself dying inside.
“…an… addict? ”
The thoughts run the one after the other, like a whirlwind; I’m incapable of halting them.
(*An addict! That's what I am! An addict! And how will I be able to tell him? And how will he react? Will he be capable of understanding? Of comprehending me? Or …*)
The horror!
(*Or he won’t understand and … and I… I will have turned my back on myself and my people... for nothing! To spend my life alone and rejected, by my people and by him! For having… for having NOT his love, but his disapproval! Because…*)
The words go inevitably to my lips.
“Because I have failed in my dignity and my responsibilities of First Officer of Enterprise, of Second in Command! As a woman and as a Vulcan! And because… I have hidden the truth from everyone.”
I can hear his voice, bitter and sarcastic – “Vulcans don’t lie, do they? Eh, hon?”
I feel the cry break free.
(*I lied to him! *)
NO!
I straighten my back suddenly, clenching my mouth and my fists, trying to breathe normally and to calm down.
(*I lied, but I won’t be ever again! *)
“And you…”
My weak voice finds the road to come out, free, from the depth of my soul.
I close my eyes, in the crazy hope.
“You will understand me, my K’diwa. You will want me yet, T’hai’la! You…”
I join my hands, beseeching.
“You cannot forget our night of love…all the passion and the love you taught me!”
I open my eyes again, my voice trembling, unsure.
“I’m… sure!”
And then… the… the terror, yet again!
(*And if I am mistaken? If what I have done is so grievous to him that he cannot forgive it? That he cannot give me the warm humanity he is capable of offering to everybody? Just because I am not… everybody… for him? *)
I seize my knees firmly, and clench them.
I take a deep breath.
(*I will tell nothing to him! I will show him all my love, and nothing else! I won't run the risk of losing him! I will hide the truth from him! I will lie! *)
And he will know it!
With his queer instinct. With his penetrating cleverness. With his ability to read everyone.
Especially... and above all... me!
I shake in the knowledge of the veracity of these thoughts and in the uncertainty of what I have to do.
A love based on lies!
I close my eyes again, my hands sweaty.
(*That’s what I want? That’s my… destiny? The destiny I want to condemn him to?*)
NO! I don’t want that!
(*I… I will…*)
I feel my heart beat madly inside me.
(*I will tell him everything! EVERYTHING! And my T’hai’la will understand, and won’t beat me off! No! He will help me! He will be close to me! He will want me! *)
HE WILL WANT ME!
I pant, whimpering feebly and weakly.
(*And I will be capable of ceasing my addiction, with you next to me! And I will love you, with my whole self! I will give you my whole self! I…*)
I gasp, raising my head all at once and broadening my eyes at the deadly doubt which pierces my mind suddenly, like a sharp and red-hot knife.
How will I be able to love him… without Trellium? The way Human women do? How… how will I be capable of giving him the love he searches for, he needs?
I’m Vulcan, I don’t know the road. I…
(*I will disappoint you, my K’diwa! I will dissatisfy you! *)
Something I haven’t ever felt chokes my whole being.
It’s an awful sensation, a feeling… destroying and harrowing.
Is it… despair?
I shrink in a quivering lump of… desperation.
Crying, whining.
Dying.
I'm trapped, at bay.
There's no way to escape. Any road is a dead end.
And suddenly another emotion turns up inside me. I feel myself get… get angry. Angry with him!
(*It’s his fault! Because of him I reduced myself to such a point! *)
It’s his fault! Only his!
(*It’s his fault if I fell in love! *)
It’s his fault if I’m incapable of thinking… logically, if I searched these… these damned emotions, if I searched his love, if I…
(*If I love him! *)
I stay so for a long while.
Pining and thinking.
(*With the Trellium, I will destroy myself eventually, and you with me, my Ashayam.
Without the Trellium, I will destroy you eventually, and me with you, my Ashayam.
If you are with me, I will destroy both us eventually, in some way or other, my Ashayam.
But if we are not together, I will destroy only…*)
I stand up, slowly, and I stare steadily into the void.
I have made my decision.
I have decided to die inside.
I won't abnegate my race and I won't beguile him.
I won't risk losing him just the moment I have found him, and I won’t drag him into a future of untruth and of confusion
But I don’t want to disappoint him.
I want him to be… happy!
I raise my face, sensing moisture on my cheeks.
(*I will deny myself to you, my K’diwa! I will treat you badly, with… Vulcan coldness! I will tell you that you… that you… have been nothing more than an experiment… my way to explore… to explore human sexuality! *)
I lower my head.
(*That all we have shared has nothing to do with matters of… the heart. *)
I endeavour to breathe.
(*That you had my body. Not my soul. *)
I rub my tear-filled eyes with the back of my hands, and I go slowly toward my bed – the bed where we loved each other – and I sink on it, once again. Face down, once again.
Crying plainly. Again.
And his voice resounds once more in my mind. Dismayed. Incredulous. Attempting to force me.
He will insist, without relenting. He… NEVER… relents!
*********
[“T’Pol! And… and your looks? Your gestures?”
“I don’t know what you mean.” ]
*********
What… what is this clamp on my chest?
*********
[“T’Pol! That… that caress on the nape of my neck! That kiss! That kiss on my cheek! And your hand resettling my cowlick! The shower! And the kiss in the corridor! DURING THE TACTICAL ALERT! And then.. you cannot tell me that you gave yourself to a man for the first time in your life for… for a mere experiment! ”
“Doubtlessly some of my actions of the night are explainable with difficulty. It’s probable that the Expanse has something to do with all that, and with all that happened this night between us. But, unlike other emotional races, Vulcans are always capable of finding again the rational road.” ]
*********
And… these choked noises that are coming out from my throat?
*********
[“And that word?”
“Which word?” ]
*********
Are they… are they… what Humans call… sobs?
*********
[“K’… K’d… K’di…“
“I think you are getting emotional. You’re overworked. You’re having aural hallucinations. You should consult with the doctor.” ]
*********
Yes! I think… I’m sobbing.
*********
[“Ha… hallucinations?!?” ]
*********
It’s seems to me I can see his eyes, enlarged, angry… sad.
I… I will have to speak like this to him, because I don’t want to run the risk of keeping his friendship yet. I DON’T WANT HIS FRIENDSHIP! I want one thing I never will be able to have. I want… I would want… his love!
(*And how would I be able to bear your closeness and your friendship, my K’diwa, without dying day after day – night after night! – devoid of your love?! *)
Humans say that crying is… liberating. It… it doesn’t seem that way to me!
I see his face among my sobs and through my misty eyes. His handsome, sorrowful face, looking at me one last time, before turning and leaving me alone with my destiny!
(*My destiny of solitude, without you! *)
And I will jog on to my quarters, and there... I will cry... and will sob... desperate...
Like now.
(*You'll have to suffer through it, I… I know! But… you will forget me, little by little, in your Human way. *)
I bite my lips.
(*And perhaps I will keep my emotions suppressed, somehow, in my Vulcan way. Perhaps I will manage to fight against my addiction, somehow, also without you next to me, in my Vulcan way. *)
It is bitter, my tears' taste!
(*And I will wilt, little by little, without you, my K’diwa. In my Vulcan way! *)
And our bond…
I snap my head up.
I… scream!!!
“Which bond? Which bond? Which bond? ”
The words come bitterly from me, among my unrestrainable sobs.
"Ha... ha... "
I yell it in the air.
"Hallucinations! "
I drop down my head, hiding and pressing my face on the bed, my mouth damping down that word against the bedsheet.
"Hallucinations! "
I try to control my tears bt rubbing my face against the sheet, and, in my weeping, I sniffle.
And I inhale… his scent in my bed!
Like a harrowing lash of the whip into my flesh!
It permeates and pervades me!
It inebriates me!
It brings inside itself all the sensations, the feelings... all the love he has given to me. The vision and the perception of all that he might give me yet. And that he will no longer give to me. That I will no longer have. NEVERMORE!
I straighten on my bed.
I begin to shake, yet again!
How… where… will I find the courage… the strength... to make my decision?
How will I do it? How? HOW?
Who… what… will give me the strength?
WHAT?
I stand up, mumbling and gesticulating.
Incoherently.
WHAT?
I… I… know… what!
I’m damned! Lost! Damned! Damned! DAMNED!
I'm the shadow of myself.
I made my damnation with my own hands!
I run toward my bathroom, eyes wide.
I stop abruptly in front of my bathroom, open the door and enter it quickly.
I… I need… I desperately need… to find the strength!
I stare, gazing at the drawer I well know.
I must find the strength! I must!
I…
I seize the knob of the drawer.
I pull it forcefully and I open the drawer.
I look into the drawer and see it.
A little ampoule.
I grasp it. I run toward my desk. I open the drawer. I grip the… device which is inside.
I put the ampoule in the device.
I bring the device to my neck.
I inject… the Trellium… into my veins.
I should sleep. Surely. At least a tiny bit.
The engine is heavily damaged, and I will have to work diligently to fix it, and my head hurts, as does my whole body, after I got knocked unconscious.
(*And I feel very weary… worn out…*)
I lift my head from my computer desk, where I’m drawing up the official report the Captain needs.
(*… after the first part of this night. *)
I straighten on my chair, looking ahead, a padded and intangible sensation, of… of unreality… enfolding me. The same sensation has accompanied me since I left her, in the corridor, after…
(*After her kiss! *)
I shake my head.
I don’t know exactly how I did it, but I found myself perfectly dressed in Engineering, in the thick of the emergency, among people too busy to pay attention to my slight delay or to my damp hair.
Or to my strange expression.
And then, before I was able to do anything, just when the Captain called me, the world exploded around me, and I awoke in sickbay.
The doctor in front of me, with that… that look in his eyes!
Luckily he didn't demur, when I told him I needed to go, that I had to check the engines.
That was the truth.
Partially.
Duty helped me not to think.
Partially.
Later, in my quarters, I started drawing up the official report.
And that helped me not to think.
Partially.
I look down at my computer.
The official report is done.
Mechanically, I send it to the Captain, through the security channel.
Now, I have done all I had to do.
I can sleep, now.
Surely.
I can sleep.
Instead of thinking.
(*Like I’m doing. *)
And my hand goes naturally to my shoulder.
It hurts.
Sweetly.
I’m naked from the waist up and my hand rubs delicately my wound, to and fro, unconsciously, like it wanted to be sure that the wound really exists.
I perceive under my fingers the tiny signs… of her teeth.
My mind relives as in a dream the sensation of her teeth sinking into my flesh, as she finds her release... by me.
Penetrated by me, filled up with me.
I blink, in the attempt to slip out from this unreal atmosphere that wraps me.
(*This one is not unreal! *)
I tilt my face to look at my shoulder, while my fingers delicately caress my skin.
I can’t see well, so I stand up, with a quick movement, making my chair tumble, and without caring about that, I go swiftly toward my bathroom.
I feel very well my wound, I know it is true and real, and nevertheless – unreasonably – I want to see it.
I want to see it.
I place myself in front of the mirror and I see my wound.
Her mark!
I scrutinise it.
I… contemplate it.
In astounded disbelief.
I pass my fingers lightly over it.
It is perfectly evident…
A sort of crown, divided in two parts, made with a lot of small signs. Many tiny red wounds, absolutely regular and deep.
The track of the set of her teeth.
The mark…
I breathe deeply and long.
The mark of her passion and…
I close my eyes tightly.
(*…and of her love! *)
I lift my eyelids slowly and I see…
I see, in the mirror in front of me, the face of an unknown man.
He stares at me from the mirror, with a disconcerted expression.
He seems to be asking.
“Is it you?”
I reciprocate the gaze of my mirrored image.
I speak, softly.
“Is it me?”
I go on automatically brushing my fingers over my wound.
“Am I the man to whom she gave this?”
I fix my eyes into the man's eyes, the man who stares at me from the mirror.
“The man…”
I feel my breath go away.
“… to whom she gave… herself?!?”
A marvel of dazed joy runs through me.
“For the first time in her life! ”
I lock my eyes with the dumbstruck man I see in the mirror.
“I am… the man… she… wanted… to be… the one… who… picked up,… in… his… hands… the… flower… of her… virginity!”
Her words peal in my mind!
I feel her yet!
I feel her holding my head tightly against her, placing her right cheek on my right cheek.
I… I feel her mouth on my ear!
I… hear… her voice… low… husky… in my ear!
“I… want… you!”
I tightly clench my eyes.
(*I… want… you! *)
She said that!
And I…
I have made her mine!
(*MINE! *)
One time!
And again!
And that isn’t a dream!
I open my eyes slowly and look at my mark.
(*This isn’t a dream! *)
And suddenly, in the mirror, behind my image, I see the peering doctor’s look, scanning me when I waked up in sickbay, dressed only in my underwear.
I see again that sparkle of amusement in his eyes, behind his professional expression… while he looks at my shoulder.
(*This isn’t a dream! *)
I turn around, almost gingerly, and I move toward my desk, inch by inch, still gripped by a sensation of unreality.
I stop in front of the desk.
I stay for awhile, my look and my mind straying.
Then I turn my head toward my bed.
(*I must sleep. *)
Yes. I must.
I walk toward the bed, step after step, and I flop down upon it, face up, flat on my back, bending my left arm, to cover my eyes.
To induce sleep.
And all the images and the sensations and the words and the thoughts of the night run free and powerful inside me!
My voice.
*********
[“Are you saying I'm attracted to you?” ]
*********
Her voice.
*********
[“You're jealous?” ]
*********
And me. Stupid man!
*********
[“No, absolutely not.” ]
*********
And she!... She who sighs!... With displeasure!
And me, making up my mind to admit the truth, with sham nonchalance.
*********
[“Okay, maybe. Maybe I am, a little.” ]
*********
And her voice, again.
I take my arm away from my face, opening my eyes, seeing again her lovely visage which faces mine, while her sweet voice goes on talking, with intention.
*********
[“Which would mean you're attracted to me.” ]
*********
(*Attracted to you? *)
ME?
I look at the ceiling, while the roads I have passed through during these years on Enterprise are spinning in a whirl in my mind and my soul.
Attracted to you?
ME!?!
All along, T’Pol! All along!
Since the first time I met you!
Since I saw your… awfully nice bum!
And your delightful small feet!
And your pretty face!
And your nose!
Your mouth!
Your delicious eyebrows!
Your eyes! Your eyes which sound a dark green sea, an unfathomable ocean!
And your marvellous…
(*My God! *)
I gasp, my eyes wide open, while I see it again, like it was happening now, before me.
I see her opening her robe and letting it slid from her shoulders on the floor, with a fluid motion, exposing her astounding body, wholly nude, to my sight.
I experience again my dazed and flabbergasted – and wonderful – feelings, while I was running my astonished eyes over her, along her breathtaking body, scrutinizing it from head to feet.
I see again, under my eyes, her shapely, long, smooth legs.
Her well shaped thighs.
The… the dense downy hairs covering her sex.
Her flat belly. Trembling with… desire!
Her firm breasts!
Swollen with desire!
Rising and swelling with the rhythm of her harsh breath!
Her nipples!
Her heavenly nipples, erect …
I feel my breath stop!
… erect with lust for the touch of… my fingers, of my hands…
… of my mouth…
… of my tongue!
And, at last, … her face!
Her gorgeous, splendid, incomparably beautiful face… which stares at me covetously and with eager lust!
I sit up, slowly, on my bed and I cross my legs, my hands grasping my ankles, and I lean forward, squinting, like I am observing again... her marvellous features.
The image of their absolute beauty.
A beauty…
I lean back against the wall.
A beauty that only I know!
I shut my eyes.
(*Attracted to you, T’Pol? *)
I knew we had some kind of chemistry the first time we got into an argument. I never had fun arguing with anyone before. But that is something else. That’s…
Attracted to you, T’Pol?
No.
(*No! *)
I’m in love with you, T’Pol!
(*I am hopelessly, desperately in love with you, utterly and forever! *)
And this… IS ABSOLUTELY REAL! Beyond any doubt!
And beyond remedy!
I’m in love with you, T’Pol, because not only did I see and… taste the perfection of your body.
I did see… and savour…
(*THE SUPREME BEAUTY OF YOUR SOUL! *)
I saw it through the transparent, limpid window of your eyes so deep that I have gotten lost in those depths.
(*Into your soul! *)
And you…
I spring up on my feet, unable to stay on the bed.
(*You love me! *)
Yes! It’s so! I don’t deceive myself!
It wasn’t an illusion of my heart, the look I saw in her eyes when we re-emerged slowly from the maelstrom which engulfed us, after… after I heard her screaming my name at the acme of her orgasm.
And the sweet sound of her voice repeating my name in unison with the last waves of pleasure of our love.
Her hand, caressing delicately the nape of my neck.
Her lips, kissing fondly my cheek.
Her mild gesture, when she resettled tenderly my cowlick.
The words… the words of love!… I know – I’M SURE! – she was about to tell me, in answer to my dumb question, when I whispered… with trepidation… her name.
(*And you… you will tell me those words, won’t you, Hon? WON’T YOU?! *)
You…YOU WILL TELL ME YOU LOVE ME, T’POL!
Soon! When we will met in the mess hall.
I can see the scene, as if it were real and happening under my eyes.
I will enter the mess hall and I will see her, sitting quietly while drinking solemnly her usual cup of tea.
I clench my eyes tightly, focusing on the scene my mind is building.
I will greet her, trying to appear normal, a cup of strong and hot coffee between my hands, so as to find the right tone, well knowing her necessity for polite and formal behaviour and for decorum.
(*In public! *)
*********
[“Morning T’Pol…” ]
*********
I can hear her well-mannered voice replying urbanely to me, with her habitual tone.
*********
[“Commander.” ]
*********
I will sit near her, and I will go on, smiling slightly, attempting to hide my disquiet.
*********
[“Some night.” ]
*********
Well! I hope… I hope I will be capable of introducing the matter a little more brilliantly.
I smile to myself.
I know what she will do.
I see it! I see her perfect eyebrow that gets arched, with a puzzled expression.
(*Oh yes, yes! With a knowing… warm expression! *)
And her voice. Soft. Sweet.
Alluding.
*********
[“What, exactly, do you refer to, Commander?” ]
*********
How… how will I able to talk? Which… words will I say?
HOW? What the hell would it mean HOW?
I gnash, almost angrily.
We have made love, for Pete’s sake! And now aren’t I capable of imagining what I should tell her?
We have made love!
(*We… have… made… love! *)
And the swollen river of images and sensations of our night of passion and of love begins again to flow inside me.
I see her. I hear her. I feel her!
I start to pace the floor with long and quick steps, all around the room, attempting to calm down.
I halt near my desk and lean on it with both hands, stretching out my arms, almost unable to hold up the overwhelming whirlwind which assaults my mind.
She, who offers herself, nude, to me.
She, who throws herself upon me, with impunity. With yearning desire. With unrestrained desire.
And who kisses angrily my mouth!
My… my hands on her hips!
The paradise… the paradise of the feel of my tongue as it tastes her… inside! That brings her to orgasm, my hands playing her body totally opened to me!
She, who is losing in me, in this way, before… before…
I shut, again, tightly.
(*Before she begged me to take her, before… I knew she was virgin!*)
And she who gives herself to me!
I straighten my chair out, an unthinking gesture, and I sit on it, laying my forearms upon my desk, my look dreamy and lost.
In the most enchanting daydream of my whole life.
I… get her…
I penetrate her.
Sweetly, carefully… amorously…
I take possession of her.
My arms enwrap her…
My hands caress her skin.
Her arms… hold me to her.
My mouth kisses her mouth.
Her lips…
My tongue dances with her tongue.
My body sinks into hers.
Her body gets filled with me!
My seed replenishes her!
The paradise of our shared bliss!
All, I see again. And I… feel! All!
ALL!
She doesn’t allow me to leave her!
She wants me to take her again!
She takes in me… into her mouth!
I see her, I feel her disclose herself to me; give herself to me completely, in her body and in her soul; luxuriate in the sight and in the feeling of me watching and tasting her so undone.
I feel her bask in the libidinous awareness of my lordship over her; revel dissolutely in the sight of my eyes which drink lustfully the view of her body, naked for me.
I feel, I hear her…
My eyes snap open wide!
…Who says to me she’s mine!
I jump up yet again and go toward the bed, and I flop down upon it, face up, a powerful wish inside me.
A wish... to shout loud my happiness. Like she – MY T’POL! – shouted aloud that… “Yourrrrrrrrrrr! ”
I roll on my back, turning my face to the ceiling.
It’s true! Real! It’s not a dream! Really she said it! Really she used that word.
That…. K’… K’d… K’di…
I shake my head.
I am not capable of uttering that word, but one thing is sure. It’s a word that is worth the whole universe.
Yes!
Something happened between us, a sort of magic… I don’t know what. But it happened, undoubtedly.
I have felt it, clear and pellucid, during the marvellous night she gave to me, and… after our lovemaking. I can savour again inside me the gorgeous sensation of our shared acting... of our thinking in unison, when we were preparing ourselves, in great haste, in worry, in disbelief... and in joy. As we were...
(*One! *)
My mouth pronounces spontaneously this incredible word, in a low tone.
“ONE!”
Once more I sit up, on my bed, and lean my back on the wall, breathing long and deeply, like she taught me, trying to pull myself together.
(*One, hon, One! And you will ask me what I was referring to? *)
We made love, damn it! I made you mine, damn it! You wanted me to harvest you, damn it! You told me you are mine, damn it and damn it and damn it!
I jump up on my feet, lifting my arms up in air, and I say in a loud voice the words I will tell her, in answer to her impish request.
“I don’t refer to the alien, T’Pol! I refer to what happened between us, in your quarters!”
*********
[“I refer to what happened between us, in your quarters!”
“Oh!” ]
*********
Yes! She will reply to me thus, because it’s difficult for her to freely express her emotions, but I will understand the meaning of that “Oh!” on her lips.
I will look at her, trying to find the right way.
*********
[“I guess I'll go first. Actually, why don't you go first?” ]
*********
I sit down slowly on my bed, placing my arms on my knees, while my mind keeps on imagining our conversation.
*********
[“It has been… agreeable.”
“A… agreeable, T’Pol?” ]
*********
And she will cease to act as if nothing had happened.
She will watch me with laughing eyes, and she will take my hand, also in open air.
She will say it to me!
*********
[“It has been… splendid… Trip!” ]
*********
Yes! Sure! Undoubtedly! She will say this, by using my nickname! And my jaw will tumble down! And she will have fun in seeing that!
And then…
I sit my elbows on my thighs and put my face between my hands.
Then… she will go on, with low voice.
*********
[“And for you?” ]
*********
And I will stammer my response.
*********
[“It was… I was… You were… I… love you, T’Pol!” ]
*********
I can see her withdraw her hand and raise her eyebrow in the attempt to hide her delight. And to hide her inner upheaval, well knowing my next step.
*********
[“And… you?” ]
*********
And she…
*********
[“Commander, I think… my behaviour this night is sufficiently explanatory”
“T’Pol!” ]
*********
She will look at me with a soft expression, and finally…
Finally she will give vent to her heart!
(*She…*)
My mind gets lost in my dream.
(*She… will say it, at last! *)
*********
[“Your… your feelings are returned, Commander!” ]
*********
(*Oh yes! Yes! YES! *)
I am smiling openly, now, savouring my joy in advance.
(*It will happen thus! Without doubt! Without doubt! *)
Without…
And… and if I’m mistaken?
If…
My shoulders hunch at the appalling fear which suddenly seizes me.
(*If all this is real, but she won’t admit her feelings for me? If she will be…*)
AFRAID?
Oh no, no, no! Vulcans don’t get afraid. They are logical, they are not unable to control their emotions! They…
All of a sudden the truth hidden in my thoughts reveals itself with all its dimensions.
I widen my eyes.
She didn’t control her emotions. She got lost in them! And I – Yes! – I! I am the man who smashed all her barriers! And I know she would have told me really her love! In the night!
(*In the night! *)
But the night is ended, now. And she… she has had time to think, and to become… afraid!
I close my eyes, in dread.
(*But what am I thinking? How can I believe she will deny herself to me for…!*)
FOR FEAR!
And then I see again that look, that look of fear in her eyes, when she was realizing what she was about to do, before I was capable of reassuring her.
(*Of making her forget her… FEAR! *)
I stand up again, and start to walk through the room, in agitation, unable to deviate from the mad rushing of my mind, my hands grasping each other behind my back, as…
I halt abruptly!
As is her custom!
(*WHAT THE HELL…?*)
Now… I… I don’t know why, but I feel a sort of… anger growing inside me!
What the hell is happening to me? What the hell are these… these things I don’t understand? Like those things I have experienced during our love making, those things so strange, so…
I am only a poor Human!
(*I am only a poor Human! *)
A poor Human engineer fallen in love with a gorgeous, beautiful… damned! ... Vulcan First Officer!
(*In love! *)
But maybe this is love.
One more time that strange feeling of being “one with her” seizes me.
Maybe… SURELY!... love is to share feelings, is to act in unison, to… think… in unison!
And I love her.
And she loves me!
So… if it were true? If I am not mistaken? If really she will feel fear, and, because of this fear, she will…
(*She will be afraid of admitting her love! *)
Will I be capable of perpetuating the magic of the night? Will I be able to chase away her fear yet again?
I feel my own fear grow inside me, irrational and invincible.
I don’t want to lose her the same moment I have found her!
(*I DON’T WANT TO LOSE HER! *)
How… how will I do it?
How will I react if she… if she really denies the truth? The truth I know?
What will I have to say?
I clench my fists, trying to calm down.
All this is irrational, is…
I wince at the word which blazes in my mind.
(*ILLOGICAL! *)
No! Enough now!
I need, I need…
I need… something that is able to quiet me. And that maybe is able to… to help me, at the right time.
I turn my head, looking toward the cabinet, and then at the clock. Time has passed. It's almost the moment to go.
(*And I didn't sleep. *)
I gaze at the cabinet yet again.
Never have I done it at this time of day, but…
(*I feel the necessity, now! *)
I walk slowly toward the cabinet and open it.
(*Her damned nose won’t perceive the smell! Not over the coffee!*)
I hope.
I take the bottle and one glass out from the cabinet and pour a generous dose.
I stare intensely and pensively at the amber liquid in the glass.
(*So it is true. Women can bring men to do that! *)
I send the whiskey down my throat!
The engine is heavily damaged, and I will have to work diligently to fix it, and my head hurts, as does my whole body, after I got knocked unconscious.
(*And I feel very weary… worn out…*)
I lift my head from my computer desk, where I’m drawing up the official report the Captain needs.
(*… after the first part of this night. *)
I straighten on my chair, looking ahead, a padded and intangible sensation, of… of unreality… enfolding me. The same sensation has accompanied me since I left her, in the corridor, after…
(*After her kiss! *)
I shake my head.
I don’t know exactly how I did it, but I found myself perfectly dressed in Engineering, in the thick of the emergency, among people too busy to pay attention to my slight delay or to my damp hair.
Or to my strange expression.
And then, before I was able to do anything, just when the Captain called me, the world exploded around me, and I awoke in sickbay.
The doctor in front of me, with that… that look in his eyes!
Luckily he didn't demur, when I told him I needed to go, that I had to check the engines.
That was the truth.
Partially.
Duty helped me not to think.
Partially.
Later, in my quarters, I started drawing up the official report.
And that helped me not to think.
Partially.
I look down at my computer.
The official report is done.
Mechanically, I send it to the Captain, through the security channel.
Now, I have done all I had to do.
I can sleep, now.
Surely.
I can sleep.
Instead of thinking.
(*Like I’m doing. *)
And my hand goes naturally to my shoulder.
It hurts.
Sweetly.
I’m naked from the waist up and my hand rubs delicately my wound, to and fro, unconsciously, like it wanted to be sure that the wound really exists.
I perceive under my fingers the tiny signs… of her teeth.
My mind relives as in a dream the sensation of her teeth sinking into my flesh, as she finds her release... by me.
Penetrated by me, filled up with me.
I blink, in the attempt to slip out from this unreal atmosphere that wraps me.
(*This one is not unreal! *)
I tilt my face to look at my shoulder, while my fingers delicately caress my skin.
I can’t see well, so I stand up, with a quick movement, making my chair tumble, and without caring about that, I go swiftly toward my bathroom.
I feel very well my wound, I know it is true and real, and nevertheless – unreasonably – I want to see it.
I want to see it.
I place myself in front of the mirror and I see my wound.
Her mark!
I scrutinise it.
I… contemplate it.
In astounded disbelief.
I pass my fingers lightly over it.
It is perfectly evident…
A sort of crown, divided in two parts, made with a lot of small signs. Many tiny red wounds, absolutely regular and deep.
The track of the set of her teeth.
The mark…
I breathe deeply and long.
The mark of her passion and…
I close my eyes tightly.
(*…and of her love! *)
I lift my eyelids slowly and I see…
I see, in the mirror in front of me, the face of an unknown man.
He stares at me from the mirror, with a disconcerted expression.
He seems to be asking.
“Is it you?”
I reciprocate the gaze of my mirrored image.
I speak, softly.
“Is it me?”
I go on automatically brushing my fingers over my wound.
“Am I the man to whom she gave this?”
I fix my eyes into the man's eyes, the man who stares at me from the mirror.
“The man…”
I feel my breath go away.
“… to whom she gave… herself?!?”
A marvel of dazed joy runs through me.
“For the first time in her life! ”
I lock my eyes with the dumbstruck man I see in the mirror.
“I am… the man… she… wanted… to be… the one… who… picked up,… in… his… hands… the… flower… of her… virginity!”
Her words peal in my mind!
I feel her yet!
I feel her holding my head tightly against her, placing her right cheek on my right cheek.
I… I feel her mouth on my ear!
I… hear… her voice… low… husky… in my ear!
“I… want… you!”
I tightly clench my eyes.
(*I… want… you! *)
She said that!
And I…
I have made her mine!
(*MINE! *)
One time!
And again!
And that isn’t a dream!
I open my eyes slowly and look at my mark.
(*This isn’t a dream! *)
And suddenly, in the mirror, behind my image, I see the peering doctor’s look, scanning me when I waked up in sickbay, dressed only in my underwear.
I see again that sparkle of amusement in his eyes, behind his professional expression… while he looks at my shoulder.
(*This isn’t a dream! *)
I turn around, almost gingerly, and I move toward my desk, inch by inch, still gripped by a sensation of unreality.
I stop in front of the desk.
I stay for awhile, my look and my mind straying.
Then I turn my head toward my bed.
(*I must sleep. *)
Yes. I must.
I walk toward the bed, step after step, and I flop down upon it, face up, flat on my back, bending my left arm, to cover my eyes.
To induce sleep.
And all the images and the sensations and the words and the thoughts of the night run free and powerful inside me!
My voice.
*********
[“Are you saying I'm attracted to you?” ]
*********
Her voice.
*********
[“You're jealous?” ]
*********
And me. Stupid man!
*********
[“No, absolutely not.” ]
*********
And she!... She who sighs!... With displeasure!
And me, making up my mind to admit the truth, with sham nonchalance.
*********
[“Okay, maybe. Maybe I am, a little.” ]
*********
And her voice, again.
I take my arm away from my face, opening my eyes, seeing again her lovely visage which faces mine, while her sweet voice goes on talking, with intention.
*********
[“Which would mean you're attracted to me.” ]
*********
(*Attracted to you? *)
ME?
I look at the ceiling, while the roads I have passed through during these years on Enterprise are spinning in a whirl in my mind and my soul.
Attracted to you?
ME!?!
All along, T’Pol! All along!
Since the first time I met you!
Since I saw your… awfully nice bum!
And your delightful small feet!
And your pretty face!
And your nose!
Your mouth!
Your delicious eyebrows!
Your eyes! Your eyes which sound a dark green sea, an unfathomable ocean!
And your marvellous…
(*My God! *)
I gasp, my eyes wide open, while I see it again, like it was happening now, before me.
I see her opening her robe and letting it slid from her shoulders on the floor, with a fluid motion, exposing her astounding body, wholly nude, to my sight.
I experience again my dazed and flabbergasted – and wonderful – feelings, while I was running my astonished eyes over her, along her breathtaking body, scrutinizing it from head to feet.
I see again, under my eyes, her shapely, long, smooth legs.
Her well shaped thighs.
The… the dense downy hairs covering her sex.
Her flat belly. Trembling with… desire!
Her firm breasts!
Swollen with desire!
Rising and swelling with the rhythm of her harsh breath!
Her nipples!
Her heavenly nipples, erect …
I feel my breath stop!
… erect with lust for the touch of… my fingers, of my hands…
… of my mouth…
… of my tongue!
And, at last, … her face!
Her gorgeous, splendid, incomparably beautiful face… which stares at me covetously and with eager lust!
I sit up, slowly, on my bed and I cross my legs, my hands grasping my ankles, and I lean forward, squinting, like I am observing again... her marvellous features.
The image of their absolute beauty.
A beauty…
I lean back against the wall.
A beauty that only I know!
I shut my eyes.
(*Attracted to you, T’Pol? *)
I knew we had some kind of chemistry the first time we got into an argument. I never had fun arguing with anyone before. But that is something else. That’s…
Attracted to you, T’Pol?
No.
(*No! *)
I’m in love with you, T’Pol!
(*I am hopelessly, desperately in love with you, utterly and forever! *)
And this… IS ABSOLUTELY REAL! Beyond any doubt!
And beyond remedy!
I’m in love with you, T’Pol, because not only did I see and… taste the perfection of your body.
I did see… and savour…
(*THE SUPREME BEAUTY OF YOUR SOUL! *)
I saw it through the transparent, limpid window of your eyes so deep that I have gotten lost in those depths.
(*Into your soul! *)
And you…
I spring up on my feet, unable to stay on the bed.
(*You love me! *)
Yes! It’s so! I don’t deceive myself!
It wasn’t an illusion of my heart, the look I saw in her eyes when we re-emerged slowly from the maelstrom which engulfed us, after… after I heard her screaming my name at the acme of her orgasm.
And the sweet sound of her voice repeating my name in unison with the last waves of pleasure of our love.
Her hand, caressing delicately the nape of my neck.
Her lips, kissing fondly my cheek.
Her mild gesture, when she resettled tenderly my cowlick.
The words… the words of love!… I know – I’M SURE! – she was about to tell me, in answer to my dumb question, when I whispered… with trepidation… her name.
(*And you… you will tell me those words, won’t you, Hon? WON’T YOU?! *)
You…YOU WILL TELL ME YOU LOVE ME, T’POL!
Soon! When we will met in the mess hall.
I can see the scene, as if it were real and happening under my eyes.
I will enter the mess hall and I will see her, sitting quietly while drinking solemnly her usual cup of tea.
I clench my eyes tightly, focusing on the scene my mind is building.
I will greet her, trying to appear normal, a cup of strong and hot coffee between my hands, so as to find the right tone, well knowing her necessity for polite and formal behaviour and for decorum.
(*In public! *)
*********
[“Morning T’Pol…” ]
*********
I can hear her well-mannered voice replying urbanely to me, with her habitual tone.
*********
[“Commander.” ]
*********
I will sit near her, and I will go on, smiling slightly, attempting to hide my disquiet.
*********
[“Some night.” ]
*********
Well! I hope… I hope I will be capable of introducing the matter a little more brilliantly.
I smile to myself.
I know what she will do.
I see it! I see her perfect eyebrow that gets arched, with a puzzled expression.
(*Oh yes, yes! With a knowing… warm expression! *)
And her voice. Soft. Sweet.
Alluding.
*********
[“What, exactly, do you refer to, Commander?” ]
*********
How… how will I able to talk? Which… words will I say?
HOW? What the hell would it mean HOW?
I gnash, almost angrily.
We have made love, for Pete’s sake! And now aren’t I capable of imagining what I should tell her?
We have made love!
(*We… have… made… love! *)
And the swollen river of images and sensations of our night of passion and of love begins again to flow inside me.
I see her. I hear her. I feel her!
I start to pace the floor with long and quick steps, all around the room, attempting to calm down.
I halt near my desk and lean on it with both hands, stretching out my arms, almost unable to hold up the overwhelming whirlwind which assaults my mind.
She, who offers herself, nude, to me.
She, who throws herself upon me, with impunity. With yearning desire. With unrestrained desire.
And who kisses angrily my mouth!
My… my hands on her hips!
The paradise… the paradise of the feel of my tongue as it tastes her… inside! That brings her to orgasm, my hands playing her body totally opened to me!
She, who is losing in me, in this way, before… before…
I shut, again, tightly.
(*Before she begged me to take her, before… I knew she was virgin!*)
And she who gives herself to me!
I straighten my chair out, an unthinking gesture, and I sit on it, laying my forearms upon my desk, my look dreamy and lost.
In the most enchanting daydream of my whole life.
I… get her…
I penetrate her.
Sweetly, carefully… amorously…
I take possession of her.
My arms enwrap her…
My hands caress her skin.
Her arms… hold me to her.
My mouth kisses her mouth.
Her lips…
My tongue dances with her tongue.
My body sinks into hers.
Her body gets filled with me!
My seed replenishes her!
The paradise of our shared bliss!
All, I see again. And I… feel! All!
ALL!
She doesn’t allow me to leave her!
She wants me to take her again!
She takes in me… into her mouth!
I see her, I feel her disclose herself to me; give herself to me completely, in her body and in her soul; luxuriate in the sight and in the feeling of me watching and tasting her so undone.
I feel her bask in the libidinous awareness of my lordship over her; revel dissolutely in the sight of my eyes which drink lustfully the view of her body, naked for me.
I feel, I hear her…
My eyes snap open wide!
…Who says to me she’s mine!
I jump up yet again and go toward the bed, and I flop down upon it, face up, a powerful wish inside me.
A wish... to shout loud my happiness. Like she – MY T’POL! – shouted aloud that… “Yourrrrrrrrrrr! ”
I roll on my back, turning my face to the ceiling.
It’s true! Real! It’s not a dream! Really she said it! Really she used that word.
That…. K’… K’d… K’di…
I shake my head.
I am not capable of uttering that word, but one thing is sure. It’s a word that is worth the whole universe.
Yes!
Something happened between us, a sort of magic… I don’t know what. But it happened, undoubtedly.
I have felt it, clear and pellucid, during the marvellous night she gave to me, and… after our lovemaking. I can savour again inside me the gorgeous sensation of our shared acting... of our thinking in unison, when we were preparing ourselves, in great haste, in worry, in disbelief... and in joy. As we were...
(*One! *)
My mouth pronounces spontaneously this incredible word, in a low tone.
“ONE!”
Once more I sit up, on my bed, and lean my back on the wall, breathing long and deeply, like she taught me, trying to pull myself together.
(*One, hon, One! And you will ask me what I was referring to? *)
We made love, damn it! I made you mine, damn it! You wanted me to harvest you, damn it! You told me you are mine, damn it and damn it and damn it!
I jump up on my feet, lifting my arms up in air, and I say in a loud voice the words I will tell her, in answer to her impish request.
“I don’t refer to the alien, T’Pol! I refer to what happened between us, in your quarters!”
*********
[“I refer to what happened between us, in your quarters!”
“Oh!” ]
*********
Yes! She will reply to me thus, because it’s difficult for her to freely express her emotions, but I will understand the meaning of that “Oh!” on her lips.
I will look at her, trying to find the right way.
*********
[“I guess I'll go first. Actually, why don't you go first?” ]
*********
I sit down slowly on my bed, placing my arms on my knees, while my mind keeps on imagining our conversation.
*********
[“It has been… agreeable.”
“A… agreeable, T’Pol?” ]
*********
And she will cease to act as if nothing had happened.
She will watch me with laughing eyes, and she will take my hand, also in open air.
She will say it to me!
*********
[“It has been… splendid… Trip!” ]
*********
Yes! Sure! Undoubtedly! She will say this, by using my nickname! And my jaw will tumble down! And she will have fun in seeing that!
And then…
I sit my elbows on my thighs and put my face between my hands.
Then… she will go on, with low voice.
*********
[“And for you?” ]
*********
And I will stammer my response.
*********
[“It was… I was… You were… I… love you, T’Pol!” ]
*********
I can see her withdraw her hand and raise her eyebrow in the attempt to hide her delight. And to hide her inner upheaval, well knowing my next step.
*********
[“And… you?” ]
*********
And she…
*********
[“Commander, I think… my behaviour this night is sufficiently explanatory”
“T’Pol!” ]
*********
She will look at me with a soft expression, and finally…
Finally she will give vent to her heart!
(*She…*)
My mind gets lost in my dream.
(*She… will say it, at last! *)
*********
[“Your… your feelings are returned, Commander!” ]
*********
(*Oh yes! Yes! YES! *)
I am smiling openly, now, savouring my joy in advance.
(*It will happen thus! Without doubt! Without doubt! *)
Without…
And… and if I’m mistaken?
If…
My shoulders hunch at the appalling fear which suddenly seizes me.
(*If all this is real, but she won’t admit her feelings for me? If she will be…*)
AFRAID?
Oh no, no, no! Vulcans don’t get afraid. They are logical, they are not unable to control their emotions! They…
All of a sudden the truth hidden in my thoughts reveals itself with all its dimensions.
I widen my eyes.
She didn’t control her emotions. She got lost in them! And I – Yes! – I! I am the man who smashed all her barriers! And I know she would have told me really her love! In the night!
(*In the night! *)
But the night is ended, now. And she… she has had time to think, and to become… afraid!
I close my eyes, in dread.
(*But what am I thinking? How can I believe she will deny herself to me for…!*)
FOR FEAR!
And then I see again that look, that look of fear in her eyes, when she was realizing what she was about to do, before I was capable of reassuring her.
(*Of making her forget her… FEAR! *)
I stand up again, and start to walk through the room, in agitation, unable to deviate from the mad rushing of my mind, my hands grasping each other behind my back, as…
I halt abruptly!
As is her custom!
(*WHAT THE HELL…?*)
Now… I… I don’t know why, but I feel a sort of… anger growing inside me!
What the hell is happening to me? What the hell are these… these things I don’t understand? Like those things I have experienced during our love making, those things so strange, so…
I am only a poor Human!
(*I am only a poor Human! *)
A poor Human engineer fallen in love with a gorgeous, beautiful… damned! ... Vulcan First Officer!
(*In love! *)
But maybe this is love.
One more time that strange feeling of being “one with her” seizes me.
Maybe… SURELY!... love is to share feelings, is to act in unison, to… think… in unison!
And I love her.
And she loves me!
So… if it were true? If I am not mistaken? If really she will feel fear, and, because of this fear, she will…
(*She will be afraid of admitting her love! *)
Will I be capable of perpetuating the magic of the night? Will I be able to chase away her fear yet again?
I feel my own fear grow inside me, irrational and invincible.
I don’t want to lose her the same moment I have found her!
(*I DON’T WANT TO LOSE HER! *)
How… how will I do it?
How will I react if she… if she really denies the truth? The truth I know?
What will I have to say?
I clench my fists, trying to calm down.
All this is irrational, is…
I wince at the word which blazes in my mind.
(*ILLOGICAL! *)
No! Enough now!
I need, I need…
I need… something that is able to quiet me. And that maybe is able to… to help me, at the right time.
I turn my head, looking toward the cabinet, and then at the clock. Time has passed. It's almost the moment to go.
(*And I didn't sleep. *)
I gaze at the cabinet yet again.
Never have I done it at this time of day, but…
(*I feel the necessity, now! *)
I walk slowly toward the cabinet and open it.
(*Her damned nose won’t perceive the smell! Not over the coffee!*)
I hope.
I take the bottle and one glass out from the cabinet and pour a generous dose.
I stare intensely and pensively at the amber liquid in the glass.
(*So it is true. Women can bring men to do that! *)
I send the whiskey down my throat!
********************************
Well, my dear friends, my readers, I think that now everything is clear, and I also think that now you are ready.
Yes, ready to know, in through and through, what, with respect to that famous conversation of the morning after, there was not said in the television show. So, have I permission to reveal it to you? With the help of that damned busybody who was my ancestor? Yes? In this case, here you go. Click on the picture, here beside, and you'll know everything about "the morning after" and the famous conversation we are talking about. Everything. Including that not always women know a bit more than the devil. Even if they are Vulcan. |