Well, my friends, in all honesty, despite my now well-known propensity to chat a little too much, this time I have little to say in order to introduce this particular "document", so special that really there is to believe that it is a fanfiction to all intents and purposes (but, on the other hand, isn't it so?)
I think, in fact, that I have already said everything previously at the end of the the preceding chapter.
Enough now.
Let's see - let's know for real - how the famous conversation that took place between Trip and T'Pol on the morning following their memorable first night of love was carried out in reality. Or rather, let us see what was behind each of the words that they said, let's explore their thoughts.
You know, there can be no doubt that my ancestor was the greatest confidant of our two lovebirds. It's too deep the knowledge that he demonstrates regarding this conversation. It is very clear that, for some reason (probably, who knows, the desire, the need to confide in a real friend, the urge that all of us feel - even Trip and T'Pol, even with all their privateness - to say to someone upon whom we can rely, something that we feel central, absolutely central in our personal history, to the point to want to let someone else share in this), they, Trip and T'Pol, - together? separately? - have told to my ancestor, in its entirety, word for word to, what really happened - in their intentions, their motivations, their goals, their thoughts - in that conversation.
Because, you see, it was really a central conversation for our two lovers: from it, it came the rest of their story. If that conversation had meant something different from what now you will be able to read, indeed if it had been even just vaguely similar to what was seen on the screen, without all the "unexpressed" which there was inside, today it might even be possible that we would not be here to talk about Trip and T'Pol and their love story.
But this, in truth, would be, and is, impossible.
Only, to want to see well, they did a little rashly their sums. They shouldn't have trusted too much in that swindler of my ancestor!
But, all things considered, is not that better this way? I mean, is not it better that my ancestor has cheated, in a certain way, his two friends, putting in paper and recordings, all the knowledge he gained about them? So that all of us can be able to know the genuine truth about them?
Of course, in reality, the worst of all it's me, because ... well because... just look up the use I make of what my ancestor has passed on to me!
Oh bah. I'm making too many problems to myself. We are talking about fanfiction, after all.
Or not?
I think, in fact, that I have already said everything previously at the end of the the preceding chapter.
Enough now.
Let's see - let's know for real - how the famous conversation that took place between Trip and T'Pol on the morning following their memorable first night of love was carried out in reality. Or rather, let us see what was behind each of the words that they said, let's explore their thoughts.
You know, there can be no doubt that my ancestor was the greatest confidant of our two lovebirds. It's too deep the knowledge that he demonstrates regarding this conversation. It is very clear that, for some reason (probably, who knows, the desire, the need to confide in a real friend, the urge that all of us feel - even Trip and T'Pol, even with all their privateness - to say to someone upon whom we can rely, something that we feel central, absolutely central in our personal history, to the point to want to let someone else share in this), they, Trip and T'Pol, - together? separately? - have told to my ancestor, in its entirety, word for word to, what really happened - in their intentions, their motivations, their goals, their thoughts - in that conversation.
Because, you see, it was really a central conversation for our two lovers: from it, it came the rest of their story. If that conversation had meant something different from what now you will be able to read, indeed if it had been even just vaguely similar to what was seen on the screen, without all the "unexpressed" which there was inside, today it might even be possible that we would not be here to talk about Trip and T'Pol and their love story.
But this, in truth, would be, and is, impossible.
Only, to want to see well, they did a little rashly their sums. They shouldn't have trusted too much in that swindler of my ancestor!
But, all things considered, is not that better this way? I mean, is not it better that my ancestor has cheated, in a certain way, his two friends, putting in paper and recordings, all the knowledge he gained about them? So that all of us can be able to know the genuine truth about them?
Of course, in reality, the worst of all it's me, because ... well because... just look up the use I make of what my ancestor has passed on to me!
Oh bah. I'm making too many problems to myself. We are talking about fanfiction, after all.
Or not?
Sure. This here, this chapter, is it not fanfiction, by chance?
No?
No?
Oh ... ahem ... just to stress this one more time. Look well at the subtitle: not always women know a bit more than the devil. Even if they are Vulcan.
Mh ... What the hell does that mean?
Mh ... What the hell does that mean?
Chapter Seven
The Morning After
The Morning After
I feel him before I hear him.
I perceive his scent, the scent which belongs only to him.
And its potency clouds my mind.
And this morning… this morning it’s different.
It is blended… with mine!
(*Calm down, now! I can dominate the situation. The… the Trellium will help me!*)
“Morning.”
His voice.
His unmistakable intonation.
(*So charming! So… I said “CALM DOWN”! *)
I don’t need to watch him to know he is addressing me.
The moment has come.
(*Calm down! CALM DOWN! )
I keep on drinking my tea, quietly.
(*QUIETLY! *)
I greet him politely. Without looking at him.
“ Commander.”
I perceive his scent, the scent which belongs only to him.
And its potency clouds my mind.
And this morning… this morning it’s different.
It is blended… with mine!
(*Calm down, now! I can dominate the situation. The… the Trellium will help me!*)
“Morning.”
His voice.
His unmistakable intonation.
(*So charming! So… I said “CALM DOWN”! *)
I don’t need to watch him to know he is addressing me.
The moment has come.
(*Calm down! CALM DOWN! )
I keep on drinking my tea, quietly.
(*QUIETLY! *)
I greet him politely. Without looking at him.
“ Commander.”
Here she is! Sitting noiselessly at the table, while drinking her tea placidy, true to form.
How beautiful she is!
(*Calm down, now! Don't let the situation dominate you! First of all a greeting! Normal! Maybe a little bit warmer than usual, yes!*)
“Morning.”
(*Oh holy shit! That’s all I’m capable of, saying hello? After last night? After all my thinking about last night? After all my… machinating? After…*)
“ Commander.”
How… how distant… her tone is! And she does not even watch me! Like nothing has happened! Like…
(*Beast of a man! What did you expect? That she would throw her arms at your neck?*)
Calm down, Calm down!
Certainly… it’s strange she… doesn’t deign even to look at me.
Maybe… - A sore anxiety begins to make its way inside me - ...maybe my fear… was correct?
(*Calm down! CALM DOWN! *)
Coffee! Strong!
(*Yes! Coffee! Strong! That’s what I need! And then I… have to mask my breath, if I want to talk to her… closely.*)
I turn and call for the coffee, gaining time in the meantime.
“Coffee. Strong.”
(*Come on! Get a move on! *)
The moment has come.
My cup between my hands, I turn toward her and glance at her, smiling a little bit clumsily.
She keeps on drinking her tea, quietly. Still without looking at me.
(*Say something, foolish man! Say something which has good sense! *)
“Some night.”
(*Oh crap! *)
How beautiful she is!
(*Calm down, now! Don't let the situation dominate you! First of all a greeting! Normal! Maybe a little bit warmer than usual, yes!*)
“Morning.”
(*Oh holy shit! That’s all I’m capable of, saying hello? After last night? After all my thinking about last night? After all my… machinating? After…*)
“ Commander.”
How… how distant… her tone is! And she does not even watch me! Like nothing has happened! Like…
(*Beast of a man! What did you expect? That she would throw her arms at your neck?*)
Calm down, Calm down!
Certainly… it’s strange she… doesn’t deign even to look at me.
Maybe… - A sore anxiety begins to make its way inside me - ...maybe my fear… was correct?
(*Calm down! CALM DOWN! *)
Coffee! Strong!
(*Yes! Coffee! Strong! That’s what I need! And then I… have to mask my breath, if I want to talk to her… closely.*)
I turn and call for the coffee, gaining time in the meantime.
“Coffee. Strong.”
(*Come on! Get a move on! *)
The moment has come.
My cup between my hands, I turn toward her and glance at her, smiling a little bit clumsily.
She keeps on drinking her tea, quietly. Still without looking at me.
(*Say something, foolish man! Say something which has good sense! *)
“Some night.”
(*Oh crap! *)
What do I have to do? What is the best demeanour to have?
I continue to ignore him while I hear his voice ordering a coffee.
“Coffee. Strong.”
(*Strong! *)
Why am I feeling this trembling inside? Obviously he wants a strong coffee, after such a night.
(*After such a night! *)
Enough!
(*Remember your decision, T’Pol! This is the correct conduct. Distant, cold…*)
What a chill, within!
I feel him approach me. If I were looking at his face, I’m sure I would see an iffy smile plastered on it.
He is looking at me, I can sense it.
He is searching for the right words.
(*Ignore him! Ignore him! *)
“Some night.”
I have to force myself not to react, in hearing him saying the exact locution I have figured he would use, and – automatically – turning slightly my head toward the table, still without looking at him and crossing my legs to pull myself together, I answer him.
Coldly and placidly. With nonchalance.
“Eventful.”
(*Eventful! *)
But this time I’m… I’m not keeping him guessing, before I tell him my true feelings.
This time…
(*What a chill, within! *)
I continue to ignore him while I hear his voice ordering a coffee.
“Coffee. Strong.”
(*Strong! *)
Why am I feeling this trembling inside? Obviously he wants a strong coffee, after such a night.
(*After such a night! *)
Enough!
(*Remember your decision, T’Pol! This is the correct conduct. Distant, cold…*)
What a chill, within!
I feel him approach me. If I were looking at his face, I’m sure I would see an iffy smile plastered on it.
He is looking at me, I can sense it.
He is searching for the right words.
(*Ignore him! Ignore him! *)
“Some night.”
I have to force myself not to react, in hearing him saying the exact locution I have figured he would use, and – automatically – turning slightly my head toward the table, still without looking at him and crossing my legs to pull myself together, I answer him.
Coldly and placidly. With nonchalance.
“Eventful.”
(*Eventful! *)
But this time I’m… I’m not keeping him guessing, before I tell him my true feelings.
This time…
(*What a chill, within! *)
(*Eventful! *)
I feel a sudden chill within!
What the hell kind of a way is this to talk? I didn’t expect she would respond “SPLENDID! UNFORGETTABLE!” and smile openly at me, but this nonchalance! This coldness!
I fight against the constraint I feel is gripping my stomach.
Maybe… really my fear… was correct? Or… worse… - (*What an awful freeze, within! *) - ...I have really blundered!
(*I am deceiving myself! *)
Nah! It’s impossible! That… that caress on the nape of my neck! That kiss on my cheek! Her hand that resettles my cowlick! The shower! And the kiss in the corridor! DURING THE TACTICAL ALERT! And then…
(*Then it’s unthinkable she gave herself to a man for the first time in her life for… for a mere whim! For nothing but a passing desire!! *)
Not certainly a Vulcan female, rational, logical…
(*Rational, logical! Yeah! Like she was last night! *)
Enough! Stop! Halt!
Thinking like this is no good, it doesn’t come to anything!
And then…
I see in my mind the way she uttered those words after I said that stupid “Some night,” while I was approaching her.
(*Turning her head slightly toward the table, still without looking at me and crossing her legs…*)
Coldly and placidly. With nonchalance.
Too much coldly. Too much placidly. With too much nonchalance.
Almost like she was trying to…
(*To struggle with the embarrassment, with…*)
… the fear.
Again.
(*Again. *)
This is not my fantasy.
(*I know how to read her. *)
Calm down. CALM DOWN!
Don’t push. Don’t force. Go along with her play.
I sit at her table.
(*Go along with her play! *)
“I don't know who did more damage to the engine, the alien or Malcolm.”
I feel a sudden chill within!
What the hell kind of a way is this to talk? I didn’t expect she would respond “SPLENDID! UNFORGETTABLE!” and smile openly at me, but this nonchalance! This coldness!
I fight against the constraint I feel is gripping my stomach.
Maybe… really my fear… was correct? Or… worse… - (*What an awful freeze, within! *) - ...I have really blundered!
(*I am deceiving myself! *)
Nah! It’s impossible! That… that caress on the nape of my neck! That kiss on my cheek! Her hand that resettles my cowlick! The shower! And the kiss in the corridor! DURING THE TACTICAL ALERT! And then…
(*Then it’s unthinkable she gave herself to a man for the first time in her life for… for a mere whim! For nothing but a passing desire!! *)
Not certainly a Vulcan female, rational, logical…
(*Rational, logical! Yeah! Like she was last night! *)
Enough! Stop! Halt!
Thinking like this is no good, it doesn’t come to anything!
And then…
I see in my mind the way she uttered those words after I said that stupid “Some night,” while I was approaching her.
(*Turning her head slightly toward the table, still without looking at me and crossing her legs…*)
Coldly and placidly. With nonchalance.
Too much coldly. Too much placidly. With too much nonchalance.
Almost like she was trying to…
(*To struggle with the embarrassment, with…*)
… the fear.
Again.
(*Again. *)
This is not my fantasy.
(*I know how to read her. *)
Calm down. CALM DOWN!
Don’t push. Don’t force. Go along with her play.
I sit at her table.
(*Go along with her play! *)
“I don't know who did more damage to the engine, the alien or Malcolm.”
He sits at my table.
We are next to each other.
His smell is overpowering, now, and… and there’s another smell…
Something… of spirits.
(*He has been drinking! Now! At this time of day! *)
He never would do this! NEVER!
Unless…
(*Unless he was agitated! *)
He… understood!
He understood I was… I am… AFRAID!
He felt my fear, as if it was… his own fear!
And he prepared himself, someway.
Calm down. CALM DOWN!
Don’t push. Don’t force. Go on with this play. Let him seek the way.
(*And, at the right time…*)
I said “CALM DOWN”!
(*Kill him… and yourself! *)
He speaks, finally, going along with my play.
“I don't know who did more damage to the engine, the alien or Malcolm.”
I cannot brush off his talk, now. It would be illogical and… revealing. I have to say something, and... and I have to look at him.
(*Does he… is he able to figure out my intimate tumult through my eyes? Or by my voice? *)
I speak.
I’m sure my eyes and my voice are normal. And cold.
(*COLD! COLD! COLD! *)
Like the frost that wraps my soul!
“How long before we can get underway?”
We are next to each other.
His smell is overpowering, now, and… and there’s another smell…
Something… of spirits.
(*He has been drinking! Now! At this time of day! *)
He never would do this! NEVER!
Unless…
(*Unless he was agitated! *)
He… understood!
He understood I was… I am… AFRAID!
He felt my fear, as if it was… his own fear!
And he prepared himself, someway.
Calm down. CALM DOWN!
Don’t push. Don’t force. Go on with this play. Let him seek the way.
(*And, at the right time…*)
I said “CALM DOWN”!
(*Kill him… and yourself! *)
He speaks, finally, going along with my play.
“I don't know who did more damage to the engine, the alien or Malcolm.”
I cannot brush off his talk, now. It would be illogical and… revealing. I have to say something, and... and I have to look at him.
(*Does he… is he able to figure out my intimate tumult through my eyes? Or by my voice? *)
I speak.
I’m sure my eyes and my voice are normal. And cold.
(*COLD! COLD! COLD! *)
Like the frost that wraps my soul!
“How long before we can get underway?”
Her eyes are quiet, absolutely professional. Like her tone.
(*Maybe a little bit too much. I… I believe! *)
And she doesn’t let go.
(*I don’t believe it. I don’t! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! *)
I answer almost without knowing what I’m saying.
“Another day at least.”
Then… I’m no longer capable of resisting.
I must force the pace.
I must know!
“I guess we should talk about what happened last night.”
I’m perfectly aware of the expectant and… fearful… inflection of my voice.
(*Maybe a little bit too much. I… I believe! *)
And she doesn’t let go.
(*I don’t believe it. I don’t! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! *)
I answer almost without knowing what I’m saying.
“Another day at least.”
Then… I’m no longer capable of resisting.
I must force the pace.
I must know!
“I guess we should talk about what happened last night.”
I’m perfectly aware of the expectant and… fearful… inflection of my voice.
Don’t cede!
(*Don’t cede! Don’t cede! Don’t cede! *)
I look at him, shortly, and then I go on with my comedy.
My tragedy!
“I've been briefed on the situation.”
(*Is it thus that one can die?! *)
(*Don’t cede! Don’t cede! Don’t cede! *)
I look at him, shortly, and then I go on with my comedy.
My tragedy!
“I've been briefed on the situation.”
(*Is it thus that one can die?! *)
“Well…”
Am I mistaken?
Did I… Did I imagine everything? Was everything only a figment… of my desire? A splendid… damned… daydream?
(*Like hell it is! *)
My body hurts, my head aches, I wasn’t able to sleep, I feel damned tired!
(*And that’s not because of the Alien! *)
It wasn’t him who gnawed my shoulder… until I bled!
In passion's depth.
(*It wasn’t the Alien who marked me thus…*)
In love's depth.
This pain… I feel… in my flesh… this sweet pain…
(*…is real! *)
So…
(*WHY? *)
Why is she playing this way?
Fear, yes. Shame, maybe. Sure. I can understand that, I have anticipated that.
I can feel that.
I know very well… she is not a common Vulcan!
But, if she wants to deny…
I feel myself dying inside at this horrible thought.
…if she wants to deny herself to me, why…
(*Why doesn’t she do it… outright? *)
Why is she pretending to not understand?
Why is she acting so… unvulcan-like?
Fear, fear, fear…
(*Fear, fear, fear! *)
Fear…
A flash, in my mind!
(*Fear… of what? *)
What…
My heart trembles.
(*What are you hiding from me, my sweet, petite Vulcan? *)
I must know, I can no longer procrastinate.
I look at her, the same foolish smile still on my face.
I speak.
“I was referring to what happened between us, in your quarters.”
(*Trust me… my love! *)
“I guess I'll go first.”
No!
(*No! *)
She! She has to go first! She has to overtake her fear!
I feel my own fear mount.
“Actually, why don't you go first?”
(*I beg you, I beg you… trust me… my love! *)
Am I mistaken?
Did I… Did I imagine everything? Was everything only a figment… of my desire? A splendid… damned… daydream?
(*Like hell it is! *)
My body hurts, my head aches, I wasn’t able to sleep, I feel damned tired!
(*And that’s not because of the Alien! *)
It wasn’t him who gnawed my shoulder… until I bled!
In passion's depth.
(*It wasn’t the Alien who marked me thus…*)
In love's depth.
This pain… I feel… in my flesh… this sweet pain…
(*…is real! *)
So…
(*WHY? *)
Why is she playing this way?
Fear, yes. Shame, maybe. Sure. I can understand that, I have anticipated that.
I can feel that.
I know very well… she is not a common Vulcan!
But, if she wants to deny…
I feel myself dying inside at this horrible thought.
…if she wants to deny herself to me, why…
(*Why doesn’t she do it… outright? *)
Why is she pretending to not understand?
Why is she acting so… unvulcan-like?
Fear, fear, fear…
(*Fear, fear, fear! *)
Fear…
A flash, in my mind!
(*Fear… of what? *)
What…
My heart trembles.
(*What are you hiding from me, my sweet, petite Vulcan? *)
I must know, I can no longer procrastinate.
I look at her, the same foolish smile still on my face.
I speak.
“I was referring to what happened between us, in your quarters.”
(*Trust me… my love! *)
“I guess I'll go first.”
No!
(*No! *)
She! She has to go first! She has to overtake her fear!
I feel my own fear mount.
“Actually, why don't you go first?”
(*I beg you, I beg you… trust me… my love! *)
It’s time.
(*Don’t quiver! Don’t hesitate! Be sure! Act as…*)
What a longing… what a longing to cry!
(*… Act as… Vulcans do! *)
I reciprocate his look, coldly.
Stolidly!
(*Flatter him, before…*)
I don’t want his comprehension! I cannot run the risk to have him around… without his love!
(*… before… destroying everything! *)
My words are clear.
Immediate.
And, all the same, ambiguous.
“I suppose I should thank you.”
(*Don’t quiver! Don’t hesitate! Be sure! Act as…*)
What a longing… what a longing to cry!
(*… Act as… Vulcans do! *)
I reciprocate his look, coldly.
Stolidly!
(*Flatter him, before…*)
I don’t want his comprehension! I cannot run the risk to have him around… without his love!
(*… before… destroying everything! *)
My words are clear.
Immediate.
And, all the same, ambiguous.
“I suppose I should thank you.”
But what sort of…?
(*”Thank?”… “I suppose?” *)
Is that what Vulcan females say to their lovers after… after…?
What’s wrong?
(*What’s wrong? *)
I can understand shame. I can understand reticence.
I CAN UNDERSTAND FEAR!
But…
(*This? *)
What is there behind that? What…
(*What is she leading up to? *)
Why…
(*Why this… look? *)
What do I have to say? What does she expect from me?
(*What does she believe a Human male could… should tell her? *)
Stupidly, uncertainly, still smiling foolishly, I swallow the bait.
“No…”
(*What do you want me to say? *)
“… need to thank me.”
(*”Thank?”… “I suppose?” *)
Is that what Vulcan females say to their lovers after… after…?
What’s wrong?
(*What’s wrong? *)
I can understand shame. I can understand reticence.
I CAN UNDERSTAND FEAR!
But…
(*This? *)
What is there behind that? What…
(*What is she leading up to? *)
Why…
(*Why this… look? *)
What do I have to say? What does she expect from me?
(*What does she believe a Human male could… should tell her? *)
Stupidly, uncertainly, still smiling foolishly, I swallow the bait.
“No…”
(*What do you want me to say? *)
“… need to thank me.”
NOW!
I look at his face, I observe attentively his confused expression, the need he plainly shows to understand, to comprehend, ready to take everything, even to pass himself off as the nitwit he surely is not, just to… just to…
A knife in my heart, sharp and deadly.
(*Just to love me! Just to have… my love! *)
What am I about to do?
And if am I mistaken? If I’m about to sacrifice everything for… for nothing?
No!
(*NO! *)
NO!
I don’t want his compassion! I don’t want his scorn!
And I don’t want…
(*I don’t want him to give himself to a woman… unworthy of him! *)
To a woman who never will be capable of loving him the way he needs… and deserves!
Hate me!
(*Hate me! Shower me with the most mortifying insults! But…*)
But don’t compel me to reveal to you my weakness, my… inadequacy!
I prefer your hatred, rather than your unhappiness.
(*And I…I would be unable to make you happy, my Ashayam! *)
So…
I straighten, mentally.
(*NOW! *)
Now is the moment to do what I decided.
Now! After his sanguine words.
I almost don’t give him the time to finish his sentence.
I talk precipitously, with glacial and sure tone, staring at him with inexpressive eyes.
“For facilitating my exploration of human sexuality.”
I look at his face, I observe attentively his confused expression, the need he plainly shows to understand, to comprehend, ready to take everything, even to pass himself off as the nitwit he surely is not, just to… just to…
A knife in my heart, sharp and deadly.
(*Just to love me! Just to have… my love! *)
What am I about to do?
And if am I mistaken? If I’m about to sacrifice everything for… for nothing?
No!
(*NO! *)
NO!
I don’t want his compassion! I don’t want his scorn!
And I don’t want…
(*I don’t want him to give himself to a woman… unworthy of him! *)
To a woman who never will be capable of loving him the way he needs… and deserves!
Hate me!
(*Hate me! Shower me with the most mortifying insults! But…*)
But don’t compel me to reveal to you my weakness, my… inadequacy!
I prefer your hatred, rather than your unhappiness.
(*And I…I would be unable to make you happy, my Ashayam! *)
So…
I straighten, mentally.
(*NOW! *)
Now is the moment to do what I decided.
Now! After his sanguine words.
I almost don’t give him the time to finish his sentence.
I talk precipitously, with glacial and sure tone, staring at him with inexpressive eyes.
“For facilitating my exploration of human sexuality.”
(*WHAT?!? *)
WHAT? WHAT??!!
That’s not true! I have not heard well! I imagined it!
Never T’Pol – MY T’POL! – the woman I have just learned to know last night, never the T’Pol who loved me so passionately… would talk in this way!
(*For… for facilitating… my exploration of… of human sexuality?!? *)
NO! Impossible! Absurd!
And still… she is here, in front of me, looking at me with quiet eyes, waiting… waiting for my answer to… to her words!
I feel my brain freeze up.
I am unable to think, to plan anything.
I can talk idiotically, without reasoning, gawking at her, my hands moving as if searching for something.
“I'm not sure I follow.”
(*NO! I’M NOT!!! *)
WHAT? WHAT??!!
That’s not true! I have not heard well! I imagined it!
Never T’Pol – MY T’POL! – the woman I have just learned to know last night, never the T’Pol who loved me so passionately… would talk in this way!
(*For… for facilitating… my exploration of… of human sexuality?!? *)
NO! Impossible! Absurd!
And still… she is here, in front of me, looking at me with quiet eyes, waiting… waiting for my answer to… to her words!
I feel my brain freeze up.
I am unable to think, to plan anything.
I can talk idiotically, without reasoning, gawking at her, my hands moving as if searching for something.
“I'm not sure I follow.”
(*NO! I’M NOT!!! *)
Again! Harder! Sharper! Worse! With hellish coldness, under science's mantle!
A sort of sardonic laugh resounds in my mind!
(*Science's mantle! *)
Yes! Sure!
(*Stop! Don’t think of what you’re doing! Go on! *)
GO ON!
(*Turn the knife in the wound! )
Make him angry!
(*Make him disgusted with you! *)
And I go on, deliberately shearing my heart!
(*And his soul! *)
“It's one of the many aspects of your species which I've been meaning to explore since I left the High Command.”
And in saying that, a bitter thought runs through my mind.
(*Undoubtedly the High Command would be satisfied with me! *)
A sort of sardonic laugh resounds in my mind!
(*Science's mantle! *)
Yes! Sure!
(*Stop! Don’t think of what you’re doing! Go on! *)
GO ON!
(*Turn the knife in the wound! )
Make him angry!
(*Make him disgusted with you! *)
And I go on, deliberately shearing my heart!
(*And his soul! *)
“It's one of the many aspects of your species which I've been meaning to explore since I left the High Command.”
And in saying that, a bitter thought runs through my mind.
(*Undoubtedly the High Command would be satisfied with me! *)
It is not true! No! No! No!
(*Not true! Not true! Not true! *)
A nightmare! Sure! I fell asleep, and now I’m having a bad dream.
No doubt!
(*No doubt! *)
And yet…
And yet she is here, real, true, with that look in her eyes. Distant. Cold.
Like the damned Vulcan female who…
(*…she was before. Stubborn, arrogant, a real pain in the ass…*)
And who seems…
(*Seems… YES!… Only… seems! *)
… to be there yet again!
And, insuppressible, I feel the rage is mounting inside me.
Against any of my intentions.
Against my own will.
(*Why do you do this to me? Why? *)
WHY!?!
I look at her lovely visage; at her eyes, which can give a man… death… and life.
My voice sounds uncertain, between hope and fear, with a perceptible hint of anger.
“Sounds like you're saying last night was some kind of experiment.”
(*Not true! Not true! Not true! *)
A nightmare! Sure! I fell asleep, and now I’m having a bad dream.
No doubt!
(*No doubt! *)
And yet…
And yet she is here, real, true, with that look in her eyes. Distant. Cold.
Like the damned Vulcan female who…
(*…she was before. Stubborn, arrogant, a real pain in the ass…*)
And who seems…
(*Seems… YES!… Only… seems! *)
… to be there yet again!
And, insuppressible, I feel the rage is mounting inside me.
Against any of my intentions.
Against my own will.
(*Why do you do this to me? Why? *)
WHY!?!
I look at her lovely visage; at her eyes, which can give a man… death… and life.
My voice sounds uncertain, between hope and fear, with a perceptible hint of anger.
“Sounds like you're saying last night was some kind of experiment.”
Here it is!
His rage.
One last effort…
(*One last effort… to die! *)
One last effort… and he…
(*…he will send me…*)
I sigh inside me.
(*… to hell! *)
And I will lose him… forever!
(*FOREVER! *)
I speak again.
(*Again! Keep on! Keep on wallowing in the mud! *)
“I wouldn't use that term.”
His rage.
One last effort…
(*One last effort… to die! *)
One last effort… and he…
(*…he will send me…*)
I sigh inside me.
(*… to hell! *)
And I will lose him… forever!
(*FOREVER! *)
I speak again.
(*Again! Keep on! Keep on wallowing in the mud! *)
“I wouldn't use that term.”
I can’t manage to stop myself.
I don’t feel anything else but this soreness which wounds and ravages.
(*Which nurtures my wrath! *)
I speak, once more.
Bitterly and contentiously.
“But that's the general idea.”
I don’t feel anything else but this soreness which wounds and ravages.
(*Which nurtures my wrath! *)
I speak, once more.
Bitterly and contentiously.
“But that's the general idea.”
Here we are.
(*One last blow, and the match is clinched. I know very well how to push his buttons. *)
Oh yes! I know it very well! More than…
(*How… how much nostalgia will I have for our tiffs? *)
… more than anyone else.
(*Come on! Come on, big example of Vulcaness that you are, T’Pol! *)
Kill him! Make him sick! Give him…
Give him…
(*The kiss of death!!! *)
KISS! How… how will I do without his kisses?
HOW WILL I LIVE, WITHOUT THEM?!?
(*ENOUGH! CEASE! THINK ONLY…*)
Think only to complete your duplicity’s masterpiece!
I look at him. Blankly. With a hint of derision.
I shoot my sentence.
“Are you getting emotional? “
(*One last blow, and the match is clinched. I know very well how to push his buttons. *)
Oh yes! I know it very well! More than…
(*How… how much nostalgia will I have for our tiffs? *)
… more than anyone else.
(*Come on! Come on, big example of Vulcaness that you are, T’Pol! *)
Kill him! Make him sick! Give him…
Give him…
(*The kiss of death!!! *)
KISS! How… how will I do without his kisses?
HOW WILL I LIVE, WITHOUT THEM?!?
(*ENOUGH! CEASE! THINK ONLY…*)
Think only to complete your duplicity’s masterpiece!
I look at him. Blankly. With a hint of derision.
I shoot my sentence.
“Are you getting emotional? “
Now I will kill her! I’ll overturn the table on her! I’ll shoot her ass! I’ll grasp her delicious neck between my hands and strangle her!
Now I…
(*No! There’s something that doesn’t add up! *)
She is pressing all the right buttons to make me angry!
(*To make me unable to think clearly! *)
My shoulder hurts, T’Pol. You didn’t do it for sexual exploration!
Why…why are you behaving so?
(*Why do you want me to get furious? *)
There would have been a whole mess of ways to reject me. You know I would have been able to understand.
(*You know I would have understood and comprehended your shame and your fear!*)
Why T’Pol? Why?
(*Why this unintelligible need to… *)
TO DISGUST ME?
The truth enlightens my mind!
(*She wants me to go away from her as an enemy, so that… so that… *)
So that… she won't have to tell me anything she doesn't want me to know!
It’s so, I don’t mistake it!
(*What are you hiding from me, my sweet, sweet petite Vulcan? *)
WHAT?
What do you conceal that is so terrible you think I couldn’t comprehend?
(*And forgive? *)
To you… to you who are my unique love?
(*But why did I have to get enamoured of someone as stubborn as her?! *)
How can I smash this last barrier?
How must I act, without arousing her suspicions, without making her shut up like a clam?
How…
I sneer mockingly to myself!
(*Be angry, man! Be angry like she wants! *)
But not too much! Not the way she expects!
(*Be yourself, but keep the door ajar. *)
I control my voice, in my speaking.
“No, I'm not getting emotional.”
I go on, gazing at her with purpose.
“I just don't like being compared to a lab rat.”
(*To you the next move, my… sweet love! *)
Now I…
(*No! There’s something that doesn’t add up! *)
She is pressing all the right buttons to make me angry!
(*To make me unable to think clearly! *)
My shoulder hurts, T’Pol. You didn’t do it for sexual exploration!
Why…why are you behaving so?
(*Why do you want me to get furious? *)
There would have been a whole mess of ways to reject me. You know I would have been able to understand.
(*You know I would have understood and comprehended your shame and your fear!*)
Why T’Pol? Why?
(*Why this unintelligible need to… *)
TO DISGUST ME?
The truth enlightens my mind!
(*She wants me to go away from her as an enemy, so that… so that… *)
So that… she won't have to tell me anything she doesn't want me to know!
It’s so, I don’t mistake it!
(*What are you hiding from me, my sweet, sweet petite Vulcan? *)
WHAT?
What do you conceal that is so terrible you think I couldn’t comprehend?
(*And forgive? *)
To you… to you who are my unique love?
(*But why did I have to get enamoured of someone as stubborn as her?! *)
How can I smash this last barrier?
How must I act, without arousing her suspicions, without making her shut up like a clam?
How…
I sneer mockingly to myself!
(*Be angry, man! Be angry like she wants! *)
But not too much! Not the way she expects!
(*Be yourself, but keep the door ajar. *)
I control my voice, in my speaking.
“No, I'm not getting emotional.”
I go on, gazing at her with purpose.
“I just don't like being compared to a lab rat.”
(*To you the next move, my… sweet love! *)
Why doesn’t he explode?
I have pressed all the right buttons to make him want to attack me!
Why doesn’t he hurl his fury upon me?
Would he…
(*Could he have been able to figure this out? Does he suspect me?! *)
I look at him… anxiously, even if my behaviour and my eyes don’t betray anything.
His posture is quiet, as his voice, while he replies to me.
Angrily.
But not too angrily!
In a controlled tone.
“No, I'm not getting emotional.”
I feel uneasy.
He didn’t take the bait.
Then he goes on, gazing at me intentionally.
“I just don't like being compared to a lab rat.”
(*And now what can I say to reject him, according the way I have chosen, and… *)
And that doesn’t sound stupidly offensive?
I have pressed all the right buttons to make him want to attack me!
Why doesn’t he hurl his fury upon me?
Would he…
(*Could he have been able to figure this out? Does he suspect me?! *)
I look at him… anxiously, even if my behaviour and my eyes don’t betray anything.
His posture is quiet, as his voice, while he replies to me.
Angrily.
But not too angrily!
In a controlled tone.
“No, I'm not getting emotional.”
I feel uneasy.
He didn’t take the bait.
Then he goes on, gazing at me intentionally.
“I just don't like being compared to a lab rat.”
(*And now what can I say to reject him, according the way I have chosen, and… *)
And that doesn’t sound stupidly offensive?
It’s okay!
I have hit the nail on the head!
Her look speaks volumes.
It’s the look she displays when she is cornered.
I have seen it many times during our arguments, and I have always withdrawn, in these cases.
Not this time.
(*Not this time, My lady and my Owner… *)
The door is open.
(*Don’t let it close! *)
She talks, eventually.
“I'm sorry if I offended you.”
I laugh to myself.
(*Close the door behind you, woman! There are only the two of us in the room!*)
I have hit the nail on the head!
Her look speaks volumes.
It’s the look she displays when she is cornered.
I have seen it many times during our arguments, and I have always withdrawn, in these cases.
Not this time.
(*Not this time, My lady and my Owner… *)
The door is open.
(*Don’t let it close! *)
She talks, eventually.
“I'm sorry if I offended you.”
I laugh to myself.
(*Close the door behind you, woman! There are only the two of us in the room!*)
He has left the door open.
I can… I can enter.
Without having the need to say anything to him, anything but “I’m here”!
But… how will I be able to stay alongside him, after… after what I said, this morning, to him?
And how will I be able to tell him… to tell him…
(*But maybe… maybe it will be not necessary! *)
Maybe he will want to be next to me without requiring anything!
YES!
He understood!
(*He understood! *)
But will I be capable of having his nearness without… without his love?
Certainly I won’t be able to claim anything after… my foolish talk, and…
(*Oh stupid woman that I am!! *)
What have I done? But why… why did I think what I thought, this night, before I came to the mess hall?
(*WHY? *)
But the crack is open.
I can thread myself through it.
And he…
(*He will help me! My T’hai’la will be capable of helping me, of sustaining me! Without claiming anything… but me! *)
I know it! I know it perfectly after I have seen… and heard him, now!
How could I have ever doubted?
(*How could I have ever doubted? *)
A little effort! Nothing else!
Only that, he wants!
(*Enter the door! Enter the door, silly woman! *)
My words are calm, like my look.
But he will understand.
(*He will understand! *)
“I'm sorry if I offended you.”
I can… I can enter.
Without having the need to say anything to him, anything but “I’m here”!
But… how will I be able to stay alongside him, after… after what I said, this morning, to him?
And how will I be able to tell him… to tell him…
(*But maybe… maybe it will be not necessary! *)
Maybe he will want to be next to me without requiring anything!
YES!
He understood!
(*He understood! *)
But will I be capable of having his nearness without… without his love?
Certainly I won’t be able to claim anything after… my foolish talk, and…
(*Oh stupid woman that I am!! *)
What have I done? But why… why did I think what I thought, this night, before I came to the mess hall?
(*WHY? *)
But the crack is open.
I can thread myself through it.
And he…
(*He will help me! My T’hai’la will be capable of helping me, of sustaining me! Without claiming anything… but me! *)
I know it! I know it perfectly after I have seen… and heard him, now!
How could I have ever doubted?
(*How could I have ever doubted? *)
A little effort! Nothing else!
Only that, he wants!
(*Enter the door! Enter the door, silly woman! *)
My words are calm, like my look.
But he will understand.
(*He will understand! *)
“I'm sorry if I offended you.”
OK!
My turn!
(*My turn, my stubborn lady! Like you said to me this night! *)
“Forget it.”
My voice sounds resentful.
(*You have to pay something, my mistress! *)
I keep on, with a miffed tone.
“I'd appreciate it if we could keep this between us.”
I cannot restrain myself.
(*The stab, now! *)
“In fact, we probably should forget it ever happened.”
(*To you again, Milady! *)
My turn!
(*My turn, my stubborn lady! Like you said to me this night! *)
“Forget it.”
My voice sounds resentful.
(*You have to pay something, my mistress! *)
I keep on, with a miffed tone.
“I'd appreciate it if we could keep this between us.”
I cannot restrain myself.
(*The stab, now! *)
“In fact, we probably should forget it ever happened.”
(*To you again, Milady! *)
“Forget it.”
(*Yes, Yes, Ashayam! *)
But his tone…
I look at him. Fearfully, even if my eyes are blank.
“I'd appreciate it if we could keep this between us.”
(*Yes, Ashayam, yes! *)
But his tone…
(*HIS TONE!! *)
“In fact, we probably should forget it ever happened.”
The world crumbles upon me!
So, it’s done!
And I have failed!
I will have his closeness and won’t have his love!
I have what I deserve.
I carefully hide my humiliating defeat, my regret.
I reply with the only logical thing I can say.
“Agreed.”
Then I dip my face in my cup, so that he cannot see my look.
(*And now I will die! Day after day. And night after night! *)
(*Yes, Yes, Ashayam! *)
But his tone…
I look at him. Fearfully, even if my eyes are blank.
“I'd appreciate it if we could keep this between us.”
(*Yes, Ashayam, yes! *)
But his tone…
(*HIS TONE!! *)
“In fact, we probably should forget it ever happened.”
The world crumbles upon me!
So, it’s done!
And I have failed!
I will have his closeness and won’t have his love!
I have what I deserve.
I carefully hide my humiliating defeat, my regret.
I reply with the only logical thing I can say.
“Agreed.”
Then I dip my face in my cup, so that he cannot see my look.
(*And now I will die! Day after day. And night after night! *)
“Agreed.”
So, you said it, sweet Vulcan lady of my heart!
I observe her look.
I observe the way she rapidly turns her face, hiding her eyes in her cup.
(*Enough, now! Enough, man! *)
I had my little vengeance, but now…
(*Enough! *)
I look sidelong at her.
I see the slightly gray tinge of her skin.
It seems to me I can see her thoughts, her chagrin, hovering – tangible – on air.
My heart melts!
(*But really can you believe I might forsake you, my love?! *)
My eyes shine puckishly and slyly while I speak.
“Doesn't mean we can't keep doing the neuro-pressure, though.”
So, you said it, sweet Vulcan lady of my heart!
I observe her look.
I observe the way she rapidly turns her face, hiding her eyes in her cup.
(*Enough, now! Enough, man! *)
I had my little vengeance, but now…
(*Enough! *)
I look sidelong at her.
I see the slightly gray tinge of her skin.
It seems to me I can see her thoughts, her chagrin, hovering – tangible – on air.
My heart melts!
(*But really can you believe I might forsake you, my love?! *)
My eyes shine puckishly and slyly while I speak.
“Doesn't mean we can't keep doing the neuro-pressure, though.”
“Doesn't mean we can't keep doing the neuro-pressure though.”
I hear that clearly and perfectly.
And I can’t do anything else but gulp and comply!
In fact what sort of logic could there be in agreeing with the necessity of forgetting what happened between us, and at the same time denying the possibility of continuing our neuro-pressure sessions?
Like I was… fearing they might push a… a logical Vulcan as I am to… to do…
(*Damn… filibuster of a Human! Damn…*)
But as I heard clearly and perfectly his words, I… understand clearly and perfectly what they mean!
How have I heard him put it?
Opportunity makes the thief!
(*Damn… filibuster of a Human! Damn…*)
But…
But what am I complaining about?
I have all I desire!
He gave me another…
(*Opportunity makes the thief! *)
… another opportunity!
Without asking anything of me!
Without being confrontational with me!
Without trying to force me!
(*He wants me! Totally! He wants my nearness and my…*)
… MY LOVE!
And he won’t deny his love for me!
I raise my eyes from the cup, clenching it tightly between my hands, without lifting my face from it, looking ahead.
And he…
I widen my eyes, in the wondrous awareness that suddenly pervades my soul.
… He never will force me to do something I don’t want to do, to say something I don’t want to say!
(*He always will sustain me, and will comprehend me, without wanting anything in return…*) Except my love!
And he will accept me as the Vulcan…
(*As the woman…*)
… I am!
(*ALWAYS LOVING ME! *)
I decide I had better not reply!
I hear that clearly and perfectly.
And I can’t do anything else but gulp and comply!
In fact what sort of logic could there be in agreeing with the necessity of forgetting what happened between us, and at the same time denying the possibility of continuing our neuro-pressure sessions?
Like I was… fearing they might push a… a logical Vulcan as I am to… to do…
(*Damn… filibuster of a Human! Damn…*)
But as I heard clearly and perfectly his words, I… understand clearly and perfectly what they mean!
How have I heard him put it?
Opportunity makes the thief!
(*Damn… filibuster of a Human! Damn…*)
But…
But what am I complaining about?
I have all I desire!
He gave me another…
(*Opportunity makes the thief! *)
… another opportunity!
Without asking anything of me!
Without being confrontational with me!
Without trying to force me!
(*He wants me! Totally! He wants my nearness and my…*)
… MY LOVE!
And he won’t deny his love for me!
I raise my eyes from the cup, clenching it tightly between my hands, without lifting my face from it, looking ahead.
And he…
I widen my eyes, in the wondrous awareness that suddenly pervades my soul.
… He never will force me to do something I don’t want to do, to say something I don’t want to say!
(*He always will sustain me, and will comprehend me, without wanting anything in return…*) Except my love!
And he will accept me as the Vulcan…
(*As the woman…*)
… I am!
(*ALWAYS LOVING ME! *)
I decide I had better not reply!
I look at her, grinning.
(*So, my balking sweetheart, have you understood…*)
I can’t help laughing wickedly to myself.
Have you understood that… it isn't always the woman who beats the devil, even when this woman is a Vulcan female?
I observe her wonderful eyes, while they widen, without looking at me, her face not withdrawing from her cup.
Yes.
You have understood.
(*You have understood that never I will ask you what you don’t want to say or to do…*)
…That I will await your confession, if you will want to do it and if you have something to confess.
(*…That I will be all ears for you, if you want. *)
And that I want you because you… are you!
I know our love will be a continuous battle, a fiery war.
I know you will make me suffer.
But…
I stare steadily at this marvellous woman which God has given me.
But, in any case, whatever could happen, I will be near you.
(*ALWAYS LOVING YOU! *)
Even when you say nothing!
(*So, my balking sweetheart, have you understood…*)
I can’t help laughing wickedly to myself.
Have you understood that… it isn't always the woman who beats the devil, even when this woman is a Vulcan female?
I observe her wonderful eyes, while they widen, without looking at me, her face not withdrawing from her cup.
Yes.
You have understood.
(*You have understood that never I will ask you what you don’t want to say or to do…*)
…That I will await your confession, if you will want to do it and if you have something to confess.
(*…That I will be all ears for you, if you want. *)
And that I want you because you… are you!
I know our love will be a continuous battle, a fiery war.
I know you will make me suffer.
But…
I stare steadily at this marvellous woman which God has given me.
But, in any case, whatever could happen, I will be near you.
(*ALWAYS LOVING YOU! *)
Even when you say nothing!
********************************
Even when you say nothing!
This is the point. T'Pol does not speak, she does not say anything about what is in her heart. Let's not ask why, enough just to say it's so. But Trip has understood. And she knows that Trip has understood and that he won't ask anything that she does not want to say. He simply will want to love her and will want to be loved by her. Now - this is what of unexpressed in this conversation was revealed to us - T'Pol loves Trip just as he loves her. So, my friends, does it seem possible that two beings who love each other, do not desire to, do not want to love each other in everything and for everything? Don't you believe that one only night of love can't absolutely be enough? By now the road is unobstructed, or, at least, thus it seems. For once, a boy - Trip - managed to know a little more than a girl, and a Vulcan girl, in addition - T'Pol - despite that, notoriously, women know always (or almost always) a little more than the devil. So, do we want to see whether there have been other nights? What do you say, my friends? Do we want to see it? Yes? Well, in this case you have just to click on the image beside. |
|