My friends, what have I said at the end of the previous chapter? If I remember correctly I said that a bunch of other stuff awaited us.
Well, I was not deceiving you. As far as I can be a shameless liar, I was not deceiving you.
And then, I can't properly be called a liar, rather... here... rather I am someone who sometimes does not say all he should say.
For example. I have repeated to exhaustion that my ancestor has been able to tell me the truth about Trip and T'Pol thanks to the great friendship that bound him to them. But, to tell the truth, he handed me a bunch of other knowledges and it is difficult to believe that he may have received all these knowledges exclusively from Trip and T'Pol.
It is clear that he succeeded in getting also into other people's good books, for example of Malcolm Reed, and Hoshi Sato, and also of Dr. Phlox.
Well, I was not deceiving you. As far as I can be a shameless liar, I was not deceiving you.
And then, I can't properly be called a liar, rather... here... rather I am someone who sometimes does not say all he should say.
For example. I have repeated to exhaustion that my ancestor has been able to tell me the truth about Trip and T'Pol thanks to the great friendship that bound him to them. But, to tell the truth, he handed me a bunch of other knowledges and it is difficult to believe that he may have received all these knowledges exclusively from Trip and T'Pol.
It is clear that he succeeded in getting also into other people's good books, for example of Malcolm Reed, and Hoshi Sato, and also of Dr. Phlox.
Do not believe it?
Well, then look up here.
Well, then look up here.
This is a private conversation, my friends, a conversation very, very, very private between Lieutenant Malcolm Reed and Ensign Hoshi Sato.
Actually, this is a such private conversation, that Phlox, back there, should be ashamed to listen.
But ... yes, he has his good reasons for doing so.
Certainly, judging by the look rather intent with which Mr. Reed is staring at our beautiful translator, well ... I really think that it is difficult, if not impossible, for him to notice the presence of Phlox, and I believe just to be right in saying that not even she may notice it.
By the way ... rather frowning, our Phlox, isn't it? And also as worried and alarmed; even frightened, one might say.
Why? Well, read a bit, my friends. Read a bit.
Actually, this is a such private conversation, that Phlox, back there, should be ashamed to listen.
But ... yes, he has his good reasons for doing so.
Certainly, judging by the look rather intent with which Mr. Reed is staring at our beautiful translator, well ... I really think that it is difficult, if not impossible, for him to notice the presence of Phlox, and I believe just to be right in saying that not even she may notice it.
By the way ... rather frowning, our Phlox, isn't it? And also as worried and alarmed; even frightened, one might say.
Why? Well, read a bit, my friends. Read a bit.
Late Evening - Tucker Quarters.
*******
"Sit down, T'hai'la, slowly, be careful."
Strangely, he doesn't make a fuss hearing me talking this way. I would have expected his sighing in frustration, at least, knowing how much he hates to depend on others, even me. Normally he would have recited the litany of these last days, at a minimum: "Hon, please stop acting as if you were my nanny!"
It's difficult to acknowledge that things can change to such an extent. I would have never believed I would have found it pleasant to be called with this appellation by my K'diwa. His... his nanny.
But also I would have never believed when I met him the first time that he would become my K'diwa, and... I don't know... I... feel a little disappointed that he doesn't utter that word, but merely nods, while I help him to sit down comfortably in the armchair.
"Ashayam, don't get annoyed because I'm acting as if I were your... nanny?
He raises his blue eyes and looks at me, standing in front of him, with amused surprise, and with what I now recognize and relish. Tenderness. Soft and warm tenderness. For me.
His tone is playful, when he answers me, but I sense something serious behind his usual teasing mood, a sort of concern, of inner nervousness, that resounds clearly in the bond.
"Do you like being my nanny, by chance, darlin'?"
I prefer to be evasive, but my reply is substantially true. "I think you know the response." Then I go on purposely, aware that he will understand what I mean. "I'm sure you know that the bond doesn't allow us to hide our frame of mind from each other."
He blinks, without saying anything, so I decide to stop any hesitancy. I reach out my hand to caress his cheek. "Ashayam, this night our desires came true, beyond our expectations. We will be able to stay together here, on Enterprise, openly living our relationship. Don't you rely on the Captain?"
He smiles at me with one of his smiles which have always had a strange un-Vulcan-like effect on my heart beat. "Jon will succeed, Hon. No doubt about that."
Then he jokes again. "For the man who destroyed the Xindi weapon it's a cinch to persuade Starfleet to overlook regulations." But I learned long ago to notice when he attempts to mask his trouble with his jocular mood and sarcasm.
I don't like this. During our walk from the Captain's quarters to my T'hai'la's room we were both silent, but I was aware that he, as me, was under the unreal impression of what had just happened, of the unspeakable sensation that all our problems were unexpectedly at their end, that our bumpy road had reached finally the right destination.
But now I perceive that there's something else, and I don't like it. It's... it's illogical this uneasiness from him just when we are about to taste fully the... happiness we have a right to. It's illogical and unfair that he feels so after he has dispelled all my doubts and all my fears with the adamantine perseverance of his... of his... (*Well! Maybe I have difficulty uttering aloud this word, but thinking of it is another thing! *) ...his love.
I get almost angry, sensing him trying to hide his inner feelings. Why? What does this mean? Why does he behave in this way, well knowing that, Bond or not Bond, I'm able to feel his soul?
I call him loudly, almost too vehemently for a Vulcan, by his nickname, as I always do when I want to get his attention. It worked every time - "Trip!!".
It works also now.
He snaps his eyes upward, at me, and they look worried and... I don't know... dodgy. I'm not mistaken; maybe I'm not capable of reading the thoughts and the feelings of the other Humans, but with my T'hai'la it's another thing.
I go on, attempting to mitigate my tone. "Trip, you know you can't lie to me. I am... I am your Bond-Mate, the..." - I try to use his Human way. - "...the other half of you."
I see his eyes grow large at my words. I kneel slowly before him, between his legs, taking his hands in mine, on his thighs, his gaze following me.
I stare into his eyes, which shine with the colour of his world's sky, the colour which shattered my heart. "Ashayam, I lied so many times to you and to myself. You taught me to be honest. How can you... how can you act the way you taught me is wrong?"
He breathes slowly, listening attentively to my words.
"I denied the truth about us stubbornly and inanely for such a long time, Ashayam, and you never ceased to pursue me and our... our..." Once again my Vulcan being prevents me from saying this word, but I'm sure that my T'hai'la doesn't need me to utter it aloud to understand what I want to say. "Ashayam, we are here, now. This night, tomorrow, and every day and every night will be ours, henceforth. Openly and rightfully. There will be no obstacles. You said yourself that the Captain will surely find a way."
My tone resounds a little shrill, now. I can sense it perfectly, but I can't do anything about that. Because... because I'm afraid he will think... - my conduct wasn't honest, wasn't reliable in the past. - ... he can't think I could still be ... I could be an ...
"ASHAYAM! You... you know I'M NOT AN OBSTACLE!" I grasp his hands tightly. "You know I'm yours! That I can't live without you. Recent events and this night don't give rise to any doubt. You've... you've won, my K'diwa. Luckily you've defeated my blind obstinacy, my obtuse fear. Luckily you've won. Luckily, luckily, yes! On all fronts!"
I see him move his tongue against the inside of his cheek, with that gesture which means he is uncertain, which makes him look so endearingly childlike. Something I have learned to treasure.
He looks at me with tenseness in his eyes, and his voice is... is nearly quavering. "But... but will I be able to make you happy, Hon? I mean... really happy?"
I open my eyes wide, trying to understand what he means. He continues, under his breath.
"You are Vulcan, Hon. You have to sacrifice part of yourself to live with me on a Human ship, among a human crew. You've already done it, I know, but now things are different. Now you will have to live with Humans... with one Human, with me... forever, and... and your life could be hard with me. I'm not logical like you and your people, and perhaps, one day, you could get... could get tired of Humans..." - He pauses, shortly, casting me a worried glance, before going on, with a low voice. - "... of me, my darlin', because... well!... as you told me... I'm... intransigent, unwilling to compromise. I... I have fear that maybe... maybe you might be right. Maybe I'm not capable of meeting your Vulcan needs, when... when the passion of the first times will have to contend with day to day life."
Guilt wounds my soul. I used my own stubbornness against him to trick him, at that time; my intentions were praiseworthy, and then, even if I would not have ever admitted it, I had to achieve my aim, by any means, because I wanted to have... some intimacy with him. And so I acted and spoke in that way.
But the result had been that, somehow, I mistreated him, at that time, as uncountable other times; and my words were wrong, at that time, as uncountable other times.
My words were wrong because through our whole story he was anything but intransigent. If he had been, we would not have been together ever, and I... I would be alone. I wouldn't have him!
I think of how much I have wounded him with my words, of how many times my words have been wounding for him, like the regret which wounds me, now.
My Trip sacrificed everything for me. Unwilling to compromise? He sacrificed even his dignity for me. He had been near me when I married Koss. Dumb, in pain, smiling at me, while I was killing him, and myself. For my Vulcan honour.
He didn't complain at all when I told him we wouldn't have time for our relationship, after Kir'shara's retrieval. He smiled falsely calm at me and he said to me that he would have followed my will.
He sacrificed all of himself for me. He, the man... intransigent, unwilling to compromise.
"T'hai'la..." I try to speak, to tell him that he is the most forbearing, the most long suffering of men, that none of my words of that time mirrors the reality, but I have to stop, because he gazes at me, the concern in his eyes perfectly evident, and he speaks.
And I can't believe he can speak so. "I am afraid my humaneness could make you unhappy, in the long run."
I stare at him with bamboozled eyes. He keeps talking with an uncertain voice. "All I'd want... all I'd want... I'd want you to be happy."
I feel my heart almost smashed to smithereens, hearing him say the same words Koss told me the dire day before my forced marriage to my Vulcan betrothed. But my T'hai'la is not Koss. His words do not have double meaning, he has no ulterior motives, he simply... indeed wants me to be happy!
My mind goes far away, suddenly, to the night when I gave myself to him, when he was afraid to pick me up, I, who was so shamelessly offering myself to satisfy our desires. Even that night, when any other man would have thought of nothing else than seizing what fate was giving him, even that night he put my needs - ME! - first.
On the top of everything.
As always. AS ALWAYS!
As when I denied my feelings for him, the morning after our marvellous night.
As when I refused his help during the brainstorm which was burning my katra under the flame of my addiction.
As when I didn't give him the smaller satisfaction about our... our wedding, in the other universe, the shame for my behaviour and for my cold words waving in my mind. (It's ridiculous to assume those events are going to happen... The fact that our counterparts married doesn't mean that we'll do the same...).
Remorse's pang clenches my katra, remembering what I said to him, denying again my feelings for him, and so outrageously piquing him. (I should have known this was a mistake... Exploring human sexuality with you. You're obviously unable to have a physical relationship without developing an emotional attachment).
Him!
The man who, when I was almost about to acknowledge finally what I felt... - A harsh lump grips my throat - ... the man who, when I destroyed his and my dreams in a heartbeat to help my mother, yielding to Koss' will... the man who, at that time, wanted to be present at my wedding with Koss, to support me, bearing the sight of me who was marrying another man, bearing the frost which was freezing his heart...
For me! Only for me, and for my... happiness! HAPPINESS! WITH KOSS! WITHOUT MY TRIP!
I lower my head, laying my cheek on his thigh, closing my eyes, his hands still clenched between mine, all I did to him replenishing my mind.
I searched for him after my wedding, and he did not allow me to be... immoral, while he was dying inside.
I got free, and I wanted to be... to be a true Vulcan! And I left him, and he smiled to me, saying he had expected that from me, that he wasn't upset with me, while he was dying inside.
I tried to repress idiotically my anguish when he almost died because of that viral disease, without saying anything to him afterward, and knowing he was dying inside. Like me.
I got cold and distant from him, forcing him to go away, while he was dying inside. Like me.
He got back, to salvage us... ME!... in that dangerous way, running the risk to really die for me, and I almost denied my... MY LOVE!... for him, while having him in my hands, because of the Bond with which I had practically tied him to me, without him being able to do anything but be linked to me.
I took his life in my hands, without caring for him, grinding his heart and his soul... I made his life a chaos and he... he... is worried that I wouldn't be... happy with him! With the man who always put me on the top, before everything, before his needs themselves! Also before his life! HIS PRIDE! Of man and of male.
I feel his right hand disentangle from mine. I feel it go upon my head, softly caressing my hair.
I hear his voice, cared, sweet, and low, pronounce my name. "T'Pol..."
I lift my head to look at him. I'm dewy-eyed. I know it. But I... - My mate's Human mood reverberates strongly in the Bond. - ... I couldn't care less of that!
My voice is broken as I speak to him. "I... I won't ever be less than... happy with you, Trip."
The mild caress of his voice, again, in my ears. "Hon, I... I'll do everything to make you happy. Everything."
His fingers gently stroke my cheek, and I close my eyes basking in the bewitching delicacy of their touch. I won't ever cease to be in wonder at the lightness of his hands. How can they be so strong and so scarred from the hardness of his job and, at same time, so soft and so silky on my skin?
But - I move my head slightly to better feel the warmth of his touch - maybe it is simply because it's my skin, the skin he caresses, and at this thought the warmth of his touch almost fades in comparison with the warmth I feel inside me. Yes! It's so! Only I, only my skin can be delighted by his hands. His fingers can stroke only me! Only I can be aware of the gentleness and of the amorousness of his touch!
But how had I been able to think I might be able to live without this touch? Without this warmth that he's capable of turning on inside me?
We're alone, now, here, in his quarters. I can give free course to my thoughts, I can behave freely, as I can with the man who can truly know who I really am, the woman that I am, the woman he was capable of turning me into, that he made truly and totally free.
A woman in love!
And happy.
Happy! Happy! Happy! HAPPY! HAPPY!
I don't open my eyes. I maintain my posture. I go on moving my cheek lightly against his magical fingers. And I talk to him, spellbound and in ecstasy, my words heartfelt and spontaneous.
"Caress me thus, my T'hai'la, every day of my life, and I won't be able to be anything else but happy."
I open my eyes, losing myself in his look, my soul in his soul.
"Embrace me, my T'hai'la, every night of my life, warming me with your heath, and I won't be able to be anything else but blissful."
I bring his hand to my lips and begin to kiss his fingers with the most soft of kisses, still lost in the blue of his eyes, drinking eagerly the ravishing amazement I see in them.
"Stay with me, my T'hai'la, every hour of my life, every second, every instant, and I won't be able to be anything else but the most happy of women in the whole universe, of all times."
"T'Pol..."
It sounds incredulous the tone of his voice, incredulous that it can be me the woman who's speaking so to him, and me, too, I can't believe that I can talk in this way, but there are moments, in life, which demand talk, and give free course to the deepest inner thoughts, moments where privacy, uneasiness or embarrassment are nothing else but empty words.
I paid at great cost for my stubbornness, refusing to speak openly and freely to him, in the past, and he did the same.
I don't want to repeat this error, I have learned from my previous mistakes, as Humans, and Vulcans, do.
He had the courage, now, to open to me his fears. I do have to have the courage to speak to him from the depth of my heart.
"Ashal-veh, I, not you, was intransigent, unwilling to compromise. But I'm Vulcan, Ashal-veh, and you must understand. Vulcans don't know half measures, logic doesn't allow them to be uncertain. But when they understand where they have to go, they go. So, when they give themselves to someone, it will be..." - I stare at him intensely, meaningfully. - "...it will for eternity."
I clench his hands.
"You conquered my katra and my Vulcan heart, Ashayam."
I lay languidly my face on his lap, holding his hands on his thighs, my eyes shut again taking in the heat I feel in my soul.
"I have understood where I have to go, and I go there, my Ashayam. I went there, and I won't come out from there evermore." - I sigh my last words under my breath. - "I'm a Vulcan woman..." - I dare! - "... in love... and a Vulcan woman in love can't help but share her mate's mood, his desires, his soul. His life."
I raise my head again to look at his shining eyes. "So, I can't help but share your mood, my Ashayam, your desires, your soul. Your life. Because your life is my life."
We stare at one another for a long moment, until I talk again, slowly and gravely, as the woman has to do, who is living one of the most important moments of her whole life.
"The passion never will fade, T'haila, never. I promise, I'm sure. Never I will be able to be tired of you, and never... never, never, never... I will give you the slightest reason for being tired of me. And, be sure, I won't be able to be any less than happy till you will be in my..." - And suddenly the heartbreaking truth implied in my words strikes me with all its intensity. I finish with a doleful whisper. - "... in my life!"
My long life. Longer... quite longer than his life.
I bury my head in his lap, biting my lips, conscious of the destiny, which, one day, will smash my life.
And he understands.
As always.
As always, he understands what he has to do.
With me.
With his woman.
And he calls me, with a voice that is capable of pleading and demanding all at once.
"Hon..."
I don't move, I only go on pressing my face on his lap.
"T'Pol, look at me!" He calls me again, and I don't dare to disobey him. He's my mate. No Vulcan woman would disregard an imperious order of her mate.
I level my eyes at his, and I see in his look an expression I never have seen. It's an expression of strong purpose, with manlike puissance. And with endless tenderness. With indefectible love.
His hands take my face between them.
He lowers his face toward mine.
He goes on speaking plainly about the woodworm that gnawed my brain all along, that prevented me from disclosing openly my inner desires for such a long time, without me daring to confess the truth, my fear.
Me! The logical Vulcan! But I learned at last that love doesn't follow logic's path, and that trying to withstand love is fruitless. Illogical.
And his words are logical. And wise.
"Hon, life is precarious, unsafe. We know, and not always, when and how we were born, but we can't know when and how we will die. Peril and uncertainty are our companions. So, we only can - and must - take the joy which life is so gracious to give us, without thinking about any why, any how. Any end."
The blue of his eyes engulfs me.
His words' uncanny sigh makes me dizzy.
"You're my joy, Hon. The treasure which life wanted to bestow on me. As I'm for you, I know."
His eyes are an infinite blue in which I'm drowning blissfully.
His voice is a ravishing echo which loses my soul.
"We, you and I, can only - and must - hold tightly this joy."
I'm lost into an ocean of blue.
His voice's echo encircles me.
"Without thinking about any why, any how. Any end."
I close my eyes tightly.
I'm blissful.
And proud!
No other man is wise... and sweet... like my T'hai'la! And he... is my T'hai'la! No other woman can have him!
I lower again my head on his lap, while he goes on speaking amorously to me.
"And then you know it, my love." There's a stately awareness in his tone, now. "You're my destiny." He laughs softly. "I think I demonstrated this to you... perfectly."(1)
Then, while I'm basking in the wondrous consciousness of his statement's reality, he hits me, with one of his phrases I have learned he's capable of befuddling everyone.
His tone is tense. And meaningful.
"But if my life will be shorter than yours, as logic imposes, I will wait for you on the other side."
I lift my head, holding my breath.
I stare at him, in bated silence.
He goes on, his voice deep and strong.
"And I'm sure you will do the same, if it will be required."
Then, he decides to smash my heart, completely.
"Anyway, considering that my lifespan, if nothing unexpected will occur, will be a fraction of yours, it will be my duty - my pride and my joy - to make you happy every day, every night, every hour, every second, every moment, every instant of our shared lives."
And I fall, overwhelmed, with my head, on his lap.
Strangely, he doesn't make a fuss hearing me talking this way. I would have expected his sighing in frustration, at least, knowing how much he hates to depend on others, even me. Normally he would have recited the litany of these last days, at a minimum: "Hon, please stop acting as if you were my nanny!"
It's difficult to acknowledge that things can change to such an extent. I would have never believed I would have found it pleasant to be called with this appellation by my K'diwa. His... his nanny.
But also I would have never believed when I met him the first time that he would become my K'diwa, and... I don't know... I... feel a little disappointed that he doesn't utter that word, but merely nods, while I help him to sit down comfortably in the armchair.
"Ashayam, don't get annoyed because I'm acting as if I were your... nanny?
He raises his blue eyes and looks at me, standing in front of him, with amused surprise, and with what I now recognize and relish. Tenderness. Soft and warm tenderness. For me.
His tone is playful, when he answers me, but I sense something serious behind his usual teasing mood, a sort of concern, of inner nervousness, that resounds clearly in the bond.
"Do you like being my nanny, by chance, darlin'?"
I prefer to be evasive, but my reply is substantially true. "I think you know the response." Then I go on purposely, aware that he will understand what I mean. "I'm sure you know that the bond doesn't allow us to hide our frame of mind from each other."
He blinks, without saying anything, so I decide to stop any hesitancy. I reach out my hand to caress his cheek. "Ashayam, this night our desires came true, beyond our expectations. We will be able to stay together here, on Enterprise, openly living our relationship. Don't you rely on the Captain?"
He smiles at me with one of his smiles which have always had a strange un-Vulcan-like effect on my heart beat. "Jon will succeed, Hon. No doubt about that."
Then he jokes again. "For the man who destroyed the Xindi weapon it's a cinch to persuade Starfleet to overlook regulations." But I learned long ago to notice when he attempts to mask his trouble with his jocular mood and sarcasm.
I don't like this. During our walk from the Captain's quarters to my T'hai'la's room we were both silent, but I was aware that he, as me, was under the unreal impression of what had just happened, of the unspeakable sensation that all our problems were unexpectedly at their end, that our bumpy road had reached finally the right destination.
But now I perceive that there's something else, and I don't like it. It's... it's illogical this uneasiness from him just when we are about to taste fully the... happiness we have a right to. It's illogical and unfair that he feels so after he has dispelled all my doubts and all my fears with the adamantine perseverance of his... of his... (*Well! Maybe I have difficulty uttering aloud this word, but thinking of it is another thing! *) ...his love.
I get almost angry, sensing him trying to hide his inner feelings. Why? What does this mean? Why does he behave in this way, well knowing that, Bond or not Bond, I'm able to feel his soul?
I call him loudly, almost too vehemently for a Vulcan, by his nickname, as I always do when I want to get his attention. It worked every time - "Trip!!".
It works also now.
He snaps his eyes upward, at me, and they look worried and... I don't know... dodgy. I'm not mistaken; maybe I'm not capable of reading the thoughts and the feelings of the other Humans, but with my T'hai'la it's another thing.
I go on, attempting to mitigate my tone. "Trip, you know you can't lie to me. I am... I am your Bond-Mate, the..." - I try to use his Human way. - "...the other half of you."
I see his eyes grow large at my words. I kneel slowly before him, between his legs, taking his hands in mine, on his thighs, his gaze following me.
I stare into his eyes, which shine with the colour of his world's sky, the colour which shattered my heart. "Ashayam, I lied so many times to you and to myself. You taught me to be honest. How can you... how can you act the way you taught me is wrong?"
He breathes slowly, listening attentively to my words.
"I denied the truth about us stubbornly and inanely for such a long time, Ashayam, and you never ceased to pursue me and our... our..." Once again my Vulcan being prevents me from saying this word, but I'm sure that my T'hai'la doesn't need me to utter it aloud to understand what I want to say. "Ashayam, we are here, now. This night, tomorrow, and every day and every night will be ours, henceforth. Openly and rightfully. There will be no obstacles. You said yourself that the Captain will surely find a way."
My tone resounds a little shrill, now. I can sense it perfectly, but I can't do anything about that. Because... because I'm afraid he will think... - my conduct wasn't honest, wasn't reliable in the past. - ... he can't think I could still be ... I could be an ...
"ASHAYAM! You... you know I'M NOT AN OBSTACLE!" I grasp his hands tightly. "You know I'm yours! That I can't live without you. Recent events and this night don't give rise to any doubt. You've... you've won, my K'diwa. Luckily you've defeated my blind obstinacy, my obtuse fear. Luckily you've won. Luckily, luckily, yes! On all fronts!"
I see him move his tongue against the inside of his cheek, with that gesture which means he is uncertain, which makes him look so endearingly childlike. Something I have learned to treasure.
He looks at me with tenseness in his eyes, and his voice is... is nearly quavering. "But... but will I be able to make you happy, Hon? I mean... really happy?"
I open my eyes wide, trying to understand what he means. He continues, under his breath.
"You are Vulcan, Hon. You have to sacrifice part of yourself to live with me on a Human ship, among a human crew. You've already done it, I know, but now things are different. Now you will have to live with Humans... with one Human, with me... forever, and... and your life could be hard with me. I'm not logical like you and your people, and perhaps, one day, you could get... could get tired of Humans..." - He pauses, shortly, casting me a worried glance, before going on, with a low voice. - "... of me, my darlin', because... well!... as you told me... I'm... intransigent, unwilling to compromise. I... I have fear that maybe... maybe you might be right. Maybe I'm not capable of meeting your Vulcan needs, when... when the passion of the first times will have to contend with day to day life."
Guilt wounds my soul. I used my own stubbornness against him to trick him, at that time; my intentions were praiseworthy, and then, even if I would not have ever admitted it, I had to achieve my aim, by any means, because I wanted to have... some intimacy with him. And so I acted and spoke in that way.
But the result had been that, somehow, I mistreated him, at that time, as uncountable other times; and my words were wrong, at that time, as uncountable other times.
My words were wrong because through our whole story he was anything but intransigent. If he had been, we would not have been together ever, and I... I would be alone. I wouldn't have him!
I think of how much I have wounded him with my words, of how many times my words have been wounding for him, like the regret which wounds me, now.
My Trip sacrificed everything for me. Unwilling to compromise? He sacrificed even his dignity for me. He had been near me when I married Koss. Dumb, in pain, smiling at me, while I was killing him, and myself. For my Vulcan honour.
He didn't complain at all when I told him we wouldn't have time for our relationship, after Kir'shara's retrieval. He smiled falsely calm at me and he said to me that he would have followed my will.
He sacrificed all of himself for me. He, the man... intransigent, unwilling to compromise.
"T'hai'la..." I try to speak, to tell him that he is the most forbearing, the most long suffering of men, that none of my words of that time mirrors the reality, but I have to stop, because he gazes at me, the concern in his eyes perfectly evident, and he speaks.
And I can't believe he can speak so. "I am afraid my humaneness could make you unhappy, in the long run."
I stare at him with bamboozled eyes. He keeps talking with an uncertain voice. "All I'd want... all I'd want... I'd want you to be happy."
I feel my heart almost smashed to smithereens, hearing him say the same words Koss told me the dire day before my forced marriage to my Vulcan betrothed. But my T'hai'la is not Koss. His words do not have double meaning, he has no ulterior motives, he simply... indeed wants me to be happy!
My mind goes far away, suddenly, to the night when I gave myself to him, when he was afraid to pick me up, I, who was so shamelessly offering myself to satisfy our desires. Even that night, when any other man would have thought of nothing else than seizing what fate was giving him, even that night he put my needs - ME! - first.
On the top of everything.
As always. AS ALWAYS!
As when I denied my feelings for him, the morning after our marvellous night.
As when I refused his help during the brainstorm which was burning my katra under the flame of my addiction.
As when I didn't give him the smaller satisfaction about our... our wedding, in the other universe, the shame for my behaviour and for my cold words waving in my mind. (It's ridiculous to assume those events are going to happen... The fact that our counterparts married doesn't mean that we'll do the same...).
Remorse's pang clenches my katra, remembering what I said to him, denying again my feelings for him, and so outrageously piquing him. (I should have known this was a mistake... Exploring human sexuality with you. You're obviously unable to have a physical relationship without developing an emotional attachment).
Him!
The man who, when I was almost about to acknowledge finally what I felt... - A harsh lump grips my throat - ... the man who, when I destroyed his and my dreams in a heartbeat to help my mother, yielding to Koss' will... the man who, at that time, wanted to be present at my wedding with Koss, to support me, bearing the sight of me who was marrying another man, bearing the frost which was freezing his heart...
For me! Only for me, and for my... happiness! HAPPINESS! WITH KOSS! WITHOUT MY TRIP!
I lower my head, laying my cheek on his thigh, closing my eyes, his hands still clenched between mine, all I did to him replenishing my mind.
I searched for him after my wedding, and he did not allow me to be... immoral, while he was dying inside.
I got free, and I wanted to be... to be a true Vulcan! And I left him, and he smiled to me, saying he had expected that from me, that he wasn't upset with me, while he was dying inside.
I tried to repress idiotically my anguish when he almost died because of that viral disease, without saying anything to him afterward, and knowing he was dying inside. Like me.
I got cold and distant from him, forcing him to go away, while he was dying inside. Like me.
He got back, to salvage us... ME!... in that dangerous way, running the risk to really die for me, and I almost denied my... MY LOVE!... for him, while having him in my hands, because of the Bond with which I had practically tied him to me, without him being able to do anything but be linked to me.
I took his life in my hands, without caring for him, grinding his heart and his soul... I made his life a chaos and he... he... is worried that I wouldn't be... happy with him! With the man who always put me on the top, before everything, before his needs themselves! Also before his life! HIS PRIDE! Of man and of male.
I feel his right hand disentangle from mine. I feel it go upon my head, softly caressing my hair.
I hear his voice, cared, sweet, and low, pronounce my name. "T'Pol..."
I lift my head to look at him. I'm dewy-eyed. I know it. But I... - My mate's Human mood reverberates strongly in the Bond. - ... I couldn't care less of that!
My voice is broken as I speak to him. "I... I won't ever be less than... happy with you, Trip."
The mild caress of his voice, again, in my ears. "Hon, I... I'll do everything to make you happy. Everything."
His fingers gently stroke my cheek, and I close my eyes basking in the bewitching delicacy of their touch. I won't ever cease to be in wonder at the lightness of his hands. How can they be so strong and so scarred from the hardness of his job and, at same time, so soft and so silky on my skin?
But - I move my head slightly to better feel the warmth of his touch - maybe it is simply because it's my skin, the skin he caresses, and at this thought the warmth of his touch almost fades in comparison with the warmth I feel inside me. Yes! It's so! Only I, only my skin can be delighted by his hands. His fingers can stroke only me! Only I can be aware of the gentleness and of the amorousness of his touch!
But how had I been able to think I might be able to live without this touch? Without this warmth that he's capable of turning on inside me?
We're alone, now, here, in his quarters. I can give free course to my thoughts, I can behave freely, as I can with the man who can truly know who I really am, the woman that I am, the woman he was capable of turning me into, that he made truly and totally free.
A woman in love!
And happy.
Happy! Happy! Happy! HAPPY! HAPPY!
I don't open my eyes. I maintain my posture. I go on moving my cheek lightly against his magical fingers. And I talk to him, spellbound and in ecstasy, my words heartfelt and spontaneous.
"Caress me thus, my T'hai'la, every day of my life, and I won't be able to be anything else but happy."
I open my eyes, losing myself in his look, my soul in his soul.
"Embrace me, my T'hai'la, every night of my life, warming me with your heath, and I won't be able to be anything else but blissful."
I bring his hand to my lips and begin to kiss his fingers with the most soft of kisses, still lost in the blue of his eyes, drinking eagerly the ravishing amazement I see in them.
"Stay with me, my T'hai'la, every hour of my life, every second, every instant, and I won't be able to be anything else but the most happy of women in the whole universe, of all times."
"T'Pol..."
It sounds incredulous the tone of his voice, incredulous that it can be me the woman who's speaking so to him, and me, too, I can't believe that I can talk in this way, but there are moments, in life, which demand talk, and give free course to the deepest inner thoughts, moments where privacy, uneasiness or embarrassment are nothing else but empty words.
I paid at great cost for my stubbornness, refusing to speak openly and freely to him, in the past, and he did the same.
I don't want to repeat this error, I have learned from my previous mistakes, as Humans, and Vulcans, do.
He had the courage, now, to open to me his fears. I do have to have the courage to speak to him from the depth of my heart.
"Ashal-veh, I, not you, was intransigent, unwilling to compromise. But I'm Vulcan, Ashal-veh, and you must understand. Vulcans don't know half measures, logic doesn't allow them to be uncertain. But when they understand where they have to go, they go. So, when they give themselves to someone, it will be..." - I stare at him intensely, meaningfully. - "...it will for eternity."
I clench his hands.
"You conquered my katra and my Vulcan heart, Ashayam."
I lay languidly my face on his lap, holding his hands on his thighs, my eyes shut again taking in the heat I feel in my soul.
"I have understood where I have to go, and I go there, my Ashayam. I went there, and I won't come out from there evermore." - I sigh my last words under my breath. - "I'm a Vulcan woman..." - I dare! - "... in love... and a Vulcan woman in love can't help but share her mate's mood, his desires, his soul. His life."
I raise my head again to look at his shining eyes. "So, I can't help but share your mood, my Ashayam, your desires, your soul. Your life. Because your life is my life."
We stare at one another for a long moment, until I talk again, slowly and gravely, as the woman has to do, who is living one of the most important moments of her whole life.
"The passion never will fade, T'haila, never. I promise, I'm sure. Never I will be able to be tired of you, and never... never, never, never... I will give you the slightest reason for being tired of me. And, be sure, I won't be able to be any less than happy till you will be in my..." - And suddenly the heartbreaking truth implied in my words strikes me with all its intensity. I finish with a doleful whisper. - "... in my life!"
My long life. Longer... quite longer than his life.
I bury my head in his lap, biting my lips, conscious of the destiny, which, one day, will smash my life.
And he understands.
As always.
As always, he understands what he has to do.
With me.
With his woman.
And he calls me, with a voice that is capable of pleading and demanding all at once.
"Hon..."
I don't move, I only go on pressing my face on his lap.
"T'Pol, look at me!" He calls me again, and I don't dare to disobey him. He's my mate. No Vulcan woman would disregard an imperious order of her mate.
I level my eyes at his, and I see in his look an expression I never have seen. It's an expression of strong purpose, with manlike puissance. And with endless tenderness. With indefectible love.
His hands take my face between them.
He lowers his face toward mine.
He goes on speaking plainly about the woodworm that gnawed my brain all along, that prevented me from disclosing openly my inner desires for such a long time, without me daring to confess the truth, my fear.
Me! The logical Vulcan! But I learned at last that love doesn't follow logic's path, and that trying to withstand love is fruitless. Illogical.
And his words are logical. And wise.
"Hon, life is precarious, unsafe. We know, and not always, when and how we were born, but we can't know when and how we will die. Peril and uncertainty are our companions. So, we only can - and must - take the joy which life is so gracious to give us, without thinking about any why, any how. Any end."
The blue of his eyes engulfs me.
His words' uncanny sigh makes me dizzy.
"You're my joy, Hon. The treasure which life wanted to bestow on me. As I'm for you, I know."
His eyes are an infinite blue in which I'm drowning blissfully.
His voice is a ravishing echo which loses my soul.
"We, you and I, can only - and must - hold tightly this joy."
I'm lost into an ocean of blue.
His voice's echo encircles me.
"Without thinking about any why, any how. Any end."
I close my eyes tightly.
I'm blissful.
And proud!
No other man is wise... and sweet... like my T'hai'la! And he... is my T'hai'la! No other woman can have him!
I lower again my head on his lap, while he goes on speaking amorously to me.
"And then you know it, my love." There's a stately awareness in his tone, now. "You're my destiny." He laughs softly. "I think I demonstrated this to you... perfectly."(1)
Then, while I'm basking in the wondrous consciousness of his statement's reality, he hits me, with one of his phrases I have learned he's capable of befuddling everyone.
His tone is tense. And meaningful.
"But if my life will be shorter than yours, as logic imposes, I will wait for you on the other side."
I lift my head, holding my breath.
I stare at him, in bated silence.
He goes on, his voice deep and strong.
"And I'm sure you will do the same, if it will be required."
Then, he decides to smash my heart, completely.
"Anyway, considering that my lifespan, if nothing unexpected will occur, will be a fraction of yours, it will be my duty - my pride and my joy - to make you happy every day, every night, every hour, every second, every moment, every instant of our shared lives."
And I fall, overwhelmed, with my head, on his lap.
Late Evening - Mess Hall
*******
"May I, Lieutenant?"
I look purposely at Malcolm, calling him formally by his rank. I know that if I were addressing him differently, here, in the Mess Hall, even if at this time of day there's no one but us, he would sink out of sight. Sometimes I think he could have a not small amount of Vulcan blood.
"Of course, Ensign. Please sit down."
I hide my smile, recognizing perfectly in his face his pleasure that I'm here, with him, and I follow his invitation.
Then the imp which is in me, the imp - these are his words - which caged him, tempts me. And I cannot resist.
I take his hand. "Well, Mal, how do you think things have been? Do you know something, by chance?"
He almost snaps, withdrawing precipitously his hand from mine and casting preoccupied glances all around.
I laugh softly. "Oh don't mind, my..." - and I emphasize the my - "...upright Armour Officer. There're only the two of us, here."
He swallows. I adore when I'm capable of making my upright Armour Officer so. He tries to talk among my amused giggles.
"Hoshi..."
I interrupt him. "Well, Hoshi isn't exactly like that... ma petite... you call me with in... in other moments, but it is still better than Ensign Sato, that's for sure."
I laugh again. Yes, indubitably I adore when I manage to make this astounded expression on the face of my lovely upright Armour Officer.
Then I cease to joke. I look at Mal seriously and knowingly. "They will go away, Mal."
His expression gets hard. And sad. "I know, Hoshi."
"They can't do anything else, Mal."
"I know."
"They must be together, Mal."
"I know."
"They can't do it here, on Enterprise, Mal."
"I know."
"The Captain won't allow it ever, Mal. Because he is the Captain and because he became..."
He interrupts me, with a harsh tone. "I know!"
I hold my breath at his acrimony, then I burst out. "Lieutenant, I... I know... that the mood which seems to have became, by now, the habitual one for the Captain enrages you highly, as me, and I know you hate to see your friend go away, but that's not a good reason for having this tone. With me!"
"Oh! Hoshi... I... I kn..."
"And do not go on repeating I know, like a stupid jack-in-the-box!"
He looks at me with an expression which... Honestly? I adore when I am able to make the upright Armour Officer of Enterprise so uncertain and so hard-pressed. I can do it! But, inevitably, this same expression of him compels me to soften.
I watch him, tenderly. "Mal, I don't think there's any other solution for them."
"I... I know, Hoshi." I chuckle, hearing him repeat these words, and finally he smiles, even if twitchily at me. Then he becomes serious again. "But... it will be very hard for me to not have any more my old friend around here."
"And do you not believe that this will be hard also for me and for everyone, even for the Captain? Maybe... probably... above all for him." Then I can't help but add another little consideration; not too little, in reality. "And do you not believe that T'Pol's absence will be grievous, yes grievous, for all people, and specially... for me?"
He frowns slightly, levelling a questioning look at me. I take his hand again, and this time he doesn't move. "Mal..." I talk softly and convincingly. "Mal, if you will lose your best friend, I will lose mine."
His eyes are surprised and intent. I go on, the surprise that I, too, feel while I'm speaking, shining through my words. "I would have never believed that one day I would become T'Pol's confidant, the friend whom she would seek for support. T'Pol! The Vulcan T'Pol!"
I keep on talking, lowly, my look lost in the distance, like if I were observing the deep truth of life. "But I think there are things... experiences... ordeals... through which no one can go unscathed, without perceiving their own world shatter, even the most quiet and neat... the most logical of the worlds." I lay my eyes on Malcolm. "This is true for everyone, Human or Vulcan, male or female, especially if this male or this female..." I stare purposely at him. "... is in love."
He clenches my hand tightly.
I go on, lowering my head, talking low, under my breath.
"Alone, Vulcan, on a Human ship, surrounded by people, emotional and not... not exactly friendly, whom she wasn't able to understand, who... were frightening, for her. Immense... immense... it has to be the effort she had to make to push herself little by little toward us, and still she made it, yes, and to such an extent that, in the end, almost without her noticing it, she... she fell in love with a Human, with Trip. Or maybe, this was only fate."
I perceive Mal's tense attention, behind his slow breathing, his dumb wait.
I look at his eyes, and I continue my revelations, showing a truth seen through T'Pol's feelings, a truth that only I, or - rather - only I and Trip really know. But I feel that the moment arrived that Mal, too, has to know. He's aware, he knows Trip's troubles. But he doesn't know, in all their extent, T'Pol's troubles. And her fears. And I'm sure she wouldn't rebuke me.
"In love! With the most un-Vulcan-like of the Humans! How do you think she had to feel? Fear? I don't think this word does really justice. An entire life, a whole sure, peaceful world was crumbling between her hands. No one, not even a Vulcan, could face that."
The atmosphere is bated, while I keep on talking.
"Her life became an incessant wavering, a fluctuating between her desires and her fears, her doubts. She wanted Trip, she didn't want him. She left Trip, she wanted him with her again. She..." I stare intensely at Mal's eyes. "... she lost her mother. She didn't know how she had to behave. And then, when she accepted her new condition, she - they - lost their daughter. And then she has been on the point of losing Trip, the man she finally had recognized as her man. Do you think there could be anybody, doesn't matter if Human or whatever else, capable of bearing all this? Without looking for anybody's support?"
I gaze proudly at Mal.
"I was this support. The Captain? Not in the slightest! The doctor? A good friend, sure; but not a woman, like me. Like her. I! I was her support! To me she opened herself."
Mal stares at me without daring to speak.
"To whom do you think she would have asked for some moments of release during Trip's heartbreaking fight between life and death? Who could have helped her? Who, but me?"
I let go his hand and I talk proudly and designedly to him. "She's my friend, the friend who trusted me, as Trip does you. And I will miss her... terribly."
My private, introverted Armour Officer looks at me with a strange, indefinable expression, then he speaks with a deep and severe tone. "I think I must tell you something."
I watch him puzzled and in waiting. He goes on nearly embarrassed.
"Ma peti... Hoshi, I'm sure you know what the Terra Primes' new leader screamed when he had been captured, his hate for Trip, his oath that never Terra Primers would find peace before they... kill Trip"(2)
I hold my breath, waiting for Mal's next statement.
"Those weren't empty words. Masaro's database is clear. Trip is targeted. His destiny is... murky. And I, together with... some other people, found other information."(3)
I don't dare to take the smallest sigh.
"Hoshi, the moment Trip and T'Pol will be alone, doesn't matter where, their destiny... their fate... will be signed. There's... there's a web, widespread and impalpable, which involves... not only Humans. You can cut some meshes, but it will be still there. And this web, now, has only one purpose. Only one motto."
Mal stares intensely at me.
"A sole watchword, Hoshi, which not even Trip knows."
My eyes are fixed on his face.
"Crush!"
I wide open my eyes, without breath, meeting the truth I have suspected.
"This is the obsession of those bastards, now, Hoshi. More than earlier, by now. Crush Commander Tucker. Annihilate him. And, together with him, his Vulcan... bitch. Terra Primers lost practically any ideological connotation, or, rather, it is sucked into this obsession, into an entanglement, a maggoty horde of sordid ideas, of dirty intentions, which are encapsulated in this sole word."
Mal utters this word, again, as it were an obscenity.
"Crush."
He goes on, bitterly and sombrely.
"Crush those damned Star-Crossed Lovers."
Mal looks steadily at me, with something fathomless - hard - on his face. Determination. Fierce and incoercible.
"Hoshi, I cannot permit this. If they can't stay here, on Enterprise, the unique place where they can live in safety, I will leave this ship in my turn. I don't care about my career, I don't know if they will want me to stay near them, but in one way or another I will try to protect them. Trip... and T'Pol... are my friends. I will keep watch over them, taking advantage from my acquaintances and from my skills. And to hell with Enterprise, and also our Captain!"
I remain dumb for some instants, then I speak with a low voice. "Do you think, if they will agree to have someone with them, do... do you think T'Pol will be glad to have a Human woman, who's a true friend of her, to talk with, while you will be joking with Trip?"
He stares intensely at me, for a long instant. Then, finally, he speaks. "I think she will be happy of that." A brief pause, then... "But certainly not as much as me."
I watch him for some moments, before I speak, like bantering with uncertain gladness. "The Four Musketeers."
He chuckles. I adore when he chuckles. It's rare, but when he does... Yes, I adore him!
He talks between his chortles. "Oh, I see. Arahoshis, Malporthos, AthosT'Pol and Triptagnan. One for all, all for one."
I haven't even the strength to laugh. I'm sinking into wondrous Mal's mood.
I call him softly. "Mal..."
Then... suddenly...
What is this noise? What is this? Someone is here, I'm sure. I hear the door's hiss. I am about to turn around, before the puzzled Mal's eyes, when ...
Buzzz... buzz... Buzz...
Malcolm's communicator starts beeping. He looks at me in surprise, then he raises it and speaks into it. "Reed here".
"Archer to Reed."
Mal levels a perplexed glance at me, while I'm waiting in a thrilled silence. What does the Captain want this time?
"Yes, Sir?"
"I hope I didn't wake up you, Mister Reed."
"Not at all, Sir. I am..." He casts at me an expressive glance. "... perfectly awake."
"Very well. Please, Mister Reed, listen to me. You will have to take command, tomorrow. I must do... certain things, and I don't think, even if she's finally back home, that my First Officer could take my place. Not to mention my Chief Engineer."
Back home! The Captain used this expression! He called Enterprise... T'Pol's home!
Mal's face shows all his surprise, as mine, while he responds. "Uh... sure, Captain."
"Mister Reed..."
"Yes, Captain?"
"It's possible... it's probable... you have to take command the day after tomorrow, and maybe the day after too."
We exchange a puzzled glance at each other.
"Mister Reed?"
"Y... yes, Sir?"
"Are you still there?"
"S... sure, Captain."
"Very well. The fact is that I will have to meet with the admiralty during the next days. I..." I could swear. It's like if the Captain were desirous to say these words. " ... I have to solve a tricky problem regarding a certain... couple."
Mal and I don't dare to take the smallest sigh.
"You know, Mister Reed. We need the skilfulness of this... couple."
Mal isn't capable of saying anything. Like me.
"Mister Reed?"
"Y...yes, Sir?"
"Are you alive?"
"S... s... sure, Sir!"
"All right. Be ready, Mister Reed. Archer out."
Mal gazes at me with strange eyes. "Well, Hoshi, it sounds we have found our Monsieur de Treville."
I don't speak. I almost don't breath. He goes on. "AthosT'Pol and Triptagnan will find their Barefoot Carmelites Convent. Enterprise."
He looks at me purposely. "Our peculiar Monsieur de Treville understood. And I'm sure he will win this war."
He takes my hand. YES! He takes my hand! "They will open the road, Hoshi, and... someone else will follow."
His eyes are still fixed on mine, designedly and steadily. "Someone else will follow, ma petite."
I adore when he displays this marvellous human mood.
I look purposely at Malcolm, calling him formally by his rank. I know that if I were addressing him differently, here, in the Mess Hall, even if at this time of day there's no one but us, he would sink out of sight. Sometimes I think he could have a not small amount of Vulcan blood.
"Of course, Ensign. Please sit down."
I hide my smile, recognizing perfectly in his face his pleasure that I'm here, with him, and I follow his invitation.
Then the imp which is in me, the imp - these are his words - which caged him, tempts me. And I cannot resist.
I take his hand. "Well, Mal, how do you think things have been? Do you know something, by chance?"
He almost snaps, withdrawing precipitously his hand from mine and casting preoccupied glances all around.
I laugh softly. "Oh don't mind, my..." - and I emphasize the my - "...upright Armour Officer. There're only the two of us, here."
He swallows. I adore when I'm capable of making my upright Armour Officer so. He tries to talk among my amused giggles.
"Hoshi..."
I interrupt him. "Well, Hoshi isn't exactly like that... ma petite... you call me with in... in other moments, but it is still better than Ensign Sato, that's for sure."
I laugh again. Yes, indubitably I adore when I manage to make this astounded expression on the face of my lovely upright Armour Officer.
Then I cease to joke. I look at Mal seriously and knowingly. "They will go away, Mal."
His expression gets hard. And sad. "I know, Hoshi."
"They can't do anything else, Mal."
"I know."
"They must be together, Mal."
"I know."
"They can't do it here, on Enterprise, Mal."
"I know."
"The Captain won't allow it ever, Mal. Because he is the Captain and because he became..."
He interrupts me, with a harsh tone. "I know!"
I hold my breath at his acrimony, then I burst out. "Lieutenant, I... I know... that the mood which seems to have became, by now, the habitual one for the Captain enrages you highly, as me, and I know you hate to see your friend go away, but that's not a good reason for having this tone. With me!"
"Oh! Hoshi... I... I kn..."
"And do not go on repeating I know, like a stupid jack-in-the-box!"
He looks at me with an expression which... Honestly? I adore when I am able to make the upright Armour Officer of Enterprise so uncertain and so hard-pressed. I can do it! But, inevitably, this same expression of him compels me to soften.
I watch him, tenderly. "Mal, I don't think there's any other solution for them."
"I... I know, Hoshi." I chuckle, hearing him repeat these words, and finally he smiles, even if twitchily at me. Then he becomes serious again. "But... it will be very hard for me to not have any more my old friend around here."
"And do you not believe that this will be hard also for me and for everyone, even for the Captain? Maybe... probably... above all for him." Then I can't help but add another little consideration; not too little, in reality. "And do you not believe that T'Pol's absence will be grievous, yes grievous, for all people, and specially... for me?"
He frowns slightly, levelling a questioning look at me. I take his hand again, and this time he doesn't move. "Mal..." I talk softly and convincingly. "Mal, if you will lose your best friend, I will lose mine."
His eyes are surprised and intent. I go on, the surprise that I, too, feel while I'm speaking, shining through my words. "I would have never believed that one day I would become T'Pol's confidant, the friend whom she would seek for support. T'Pol! The Vulcan T'Pol!"
I keep on talking, lowly, my look lost in the distance, like if I were observing the deep truth of life. "But I think there are things... experiences... ordeals... through which no one can go unscathed, without perceiving their own world shatter, even the most quiet and neat... the most logical of the worlds." I lay my eyes on Malcolm. "This is true for everyone, Human or Vulcan, male or female, especially if this male or this female..." I stare purposely at him. "... is in love."
He clenches my hand tightly.
I go on, lowering my head, talking low, under my breath.
"Alone, Vulcan, on a Human ship, surrounded by people, emotional and not... not exactly friendly, whom she wasn't able to understand, who... were frightening, for her. Immense... immense... it has to be the effort she had to make to push herself little by little toward us, and still she made it, yes, and to such an extent that, in the end, almost without her noticing it, she... she fell in love with a Human, with Trip. Or maybe, this was only fate."
I perceive Mal's tense attention, behind his slow breathing, his dumb wait.
I look at his eyes, and I continue my revelations, showing a truth seen through T'Pol's feelings, a truth that only I, or - rather - only I and Trip really know. But I feel that the moment arrived that Mal, too, has to know. He's aware, he knows Trip's troubles. But he doesn't know, in all their extent, T'Pol's troubles. And her fears. And I'm sure she wouldn't rebuke me.
"In love! With the most un-Vulcan-like of the Humans! How do you think she had to feel? Fear? I don't think this word does really justice. An entire life, a whole sure, peaceful world was crumbling between her hands. No one, not even a Vulcan, could face that."
The atmosphere is bated, while I keep on talking.
"Her life became an incessant wavering, a fluctuating between her desires and her fears, her doubts. She wanted Trip, she didn't want him. She left Trip, she wanted him with her again. She..." I stare intensely at Mal's eyes. "... she lost her mother. She didn't know how she had to behave. And then, when she accepted her new condition, she - they - lost their daughter. And then she has been on the point of losing Trip, the man she finally had recognized as her man. Do you think there could be anybody, doesn't matter if Human or whatever else, capable of bearing all this? Without looking for anybody's support?"
I gaze proudly at Mal.
"I was this support. The Captain? Not in the slightest! The doctor? A good friend, sure; but not a woman, like me. Like her. I! I was her support! To me she opened herself."
Mal stares at me without daring to speak.
"To whom do you think she would have asked for some moments of release during Trip's heartbreaking fight between life and death? Who could have helped her? Who, but me?"
I let go his hand and I talk proudly and designedly to him. "She's my friend, the friend who trusted me, as Trip does you. And I will miss her... terribly."
My private, introverted Armour Officer looks at me with a strange, indefinable expression, then he speaks with a deep and severe tone. "I think I must tell you something."
I watch him puzzled and in waiting. He goes on nearly embarrassed.
"Ma peti... Hoshi, I'm sure you know what the Terra Primes' new leader screamed when he had been captured, his hate for Trip, his oath that never Terra Primers would find peace before they... kill Trip"(2)
I hold my breath, waiting for Mal's next statement.
"Those weren't empty words. Masaro's database is clear. Trip is targeted. His destiny is... murky. And I, together with... some other people, found other information."(3)
I don't dare to take the smallest sigh.
"Hoshi, the moment Trip and T'Pol will be alone, doesn't matter where, their destiny... their fate... will be signed. There's... there's a web, widespread and impalpable, which involves... not only Humans. You can cut some meshes, but it will be still there. And this web, now, has only one purpose. Only one motto."
Mal stares intensely at me.
"A sole watchword, Hoshi, which not even Trip knows."
My eyes are fixed on his face.
"Crush!"
I wide open my eyes, without breath, meeting the truth I have suspected.
"This is the obsession of those bastards, now, Hoshi. More than earlier, by now. Crush Commander Tucker. Annihilate him. And, together with him, his Vulcan... bitch. Terra Primers lost practically any ideological connotation, or, rather, it is sucked into this obsession, into an entanglement, a maggoty horde of sordid ideas, of dirty intentions, which are encapsulated in this sole word."
Mal utters this word, again, as it were an obscenity.
"Crush."
He goes on, bitterly and sombrely.
"Crush those damned Star-Crossed Lovers."
Mal looks steadily at me, with something fathomless - hard - on his face. Determination. Fierce and incoercible.
"Hoshi, I cannot permit this. If they can't stay here, on Enterprise, the unique place where they can live in safety, I will leave this ship in my turn. I don't care about my career, I don't know if they will want me to stay near them, but in one way or another I will try to protect them. Trip... and T'Pol... are my friends. I will keep watch over them, taking advantage from my acquaintances and from my skills. And to hell with Enterprise, and also our Captain!"
I remain dumb for some instants, then I speak with a low voice. "Do you think, if they will agree to have someone with them, do... do you think T'Pol will be glad to have a Human woman, who's a true friend of her, to talk with, while you will be joking with Trip?"
He stares intensely at me, for a long instant. Then, finally, he speaks. "I think she will be happy of that." A brief pause, then... "But certainly not as much as me."
I watch him for some moments, before I speak, like bantering with uncertain gladness. "The Four Musketeers."
He chuckles. I adore when he chuckles. It's rare, but when he does... Yes, I adore him!
He talks between his chortles. "Oh, I see. Arahoshis, Malporthos, AthosT'Pol and Triptagnan. One for all, all for one."
I haven't even the strength to laugh. I'm sinking into wondrous Mal's mood.
I call him softly. "Mal..."
Then... suddenly...
What is this noise? What is this? Someone is here, I'm sure. I hear the door's hiss. I am about to turn around, before the puzzled Mal's eyes, when ...
Buzzz... buzz... Buzz...
Malcolm's communicator starts beeping. He looks at me in surprise, then he raises it and speaks into it. "Reed here".
"Archer to Reed."
Mal levels a perplexed glance at me, while I'm waiting in a thrilled silence. What does the Captain want this time?
"Yes, Sir?"
"I hope I didn't wake up you, Mister Reed."
"Not at all, Sir. I am..." He casts at me an expressive glance. "... perfectly awake."
"Very well. Please, Mister Reed, listen to me. You will have to take command, tomorrow. I must do... certain things, and I don't think, even if she's finally back home, that my First Officer could take my place. Not to mention my Chief Engineer."
Back home! The Captain used this expression! He called Enterprise... T'Pol's home!
Mal's face shows all his surprise, as mine, while he responds. "Uh... sure, Captain."
"Mister Reed..."
"Yes, Captain?"
"It's possible... it's probable... you have to take command the day after tomorrow, and maybe the day after too."
We exchange a puzzled glance at each other.
"Mister Reed?"
"Y... yes, Sir?"
"Are you still there?"
"S... sure, Captain."
"Very well. The fact is that I will have to meet with the admiralty during the next days. I..." I could swear. It's like if the Captain were desirous to say these words. " ... I have to solve a tricky problem regarding a certain... couple."
Mal and I don't dare to take the smallest sigh.
"You know, Mister Reed. We need the skilfulness of this... couple."
Mal isn't capable of saying anything. Like me.
"Mister Reed?"
"Y...yes, Sir?"
"Are you alive?"
"S... s... sure, Sir!"
"All right. Be ready, Mister Reed. Archer out."
Mal gazes at me with strange eyes. "Well, Hoshi, it sounds we have found our Monsieur de Treville."
I don't speak. I almost don't breath. He goes on. "AthosT'Pol and Triptagnan will find their Barefoot Carmelites Convent. Enterprise."
He looks at me purposely. "Our peculiar Monsieur de Treville understood. And I'm sure he will win this war."
He takes my hand. YES! He takes my hand! "They will open the road, Hoshi, and... someone else will follow."
His eyes are still fixed on mine, designedly and steadily. "Someone else will follow, ma petite."
I adore when he displays this marvellous human mood.
Late Evening - Tucker Quarters. Again.
*******
"Well, my wise and logical petite Vulcan, it sounds you will have to have an endless patience with your illogical Human."
I don't raise my head, and not even open my eyes. It's too nice to remain so, kneeling between his legs, too nice to stay so, with my cheek lying on his lap and my arms around him, while his fingers stroke mildly the tip of my ear and his other hand, softly, my hair.
I feel I am melting, under the delicacy of my T'hai'la's caresses, by the warmth he is capable of enveloping me in, with his gestures, with his heavenly... heavenly, yes, I think this is the felicitous term... his heavenly words.
I'm almost unable to speak, and with effort I manage to ask him... "What... what do you mean, Ashayam?
His lap trembles, lightly, because of the soft laugh that bursts out at my question, and the tenuous vibrating of his body beneath my cheek deepens the fervent sensation I'm basking in.
"Well, Hon. For certain he's not very logical, the Human man who begins his talk with legitimate worry about his possible inadequacy to make his Vulcan woman happy, and who ends up saying he will do this for all the time she and he will share their lives, and even beyond. If his initial anxiety weren't still there, palpable and... logical."
I lift my head, raising my eyes to look at his cheerful eyes. My voice is husky when I attempt to reply.
"T'hai'la, I think..."
Then I must stop abruptly, the words I want to say dying in my throat.
He has taken my face again between his hands and has begun to stroke both tips of my ears with his thumbs, his fingers brushing fondly and purposely all of my ears.
I close my eyes tightly, losing myself in the heartbreaking sensation he makes me feel, the throb flashing inside me like the first time he made me feel so in the Decon Room, only a lunar shadow of what he has been capable of giving me afterward, of what he's giving me now.
Of what he will give me in the future.
I hear a sort of sound, shrill and at the same time smothered, and suddenly I realize it's my voice.
I'm... I'm purring! Like a... like a kitten in love!
I snap my eyes wide open and detach myself quickly from him, standing up swiftly in front of him, panting, my mouth half-open, feeling that my ears are warm and red surely not only from his caresses, looking down baffled at his face, at the mocking smile which is beaming sweetly and affectionately in his eyes and on his visage.
I stutter among my wheezing.
"I... I... I th... I think you will... you will... you will succeed in your purpose with... with flying colors!"
The entrancing sound of his laugh swallows up me.
I don't raise my head, and not even open my eyes. It's too nice to remain so, kneeling between his legs, too nice to stay so, with my cheek lying on his lap and my arms around him, while his fingers stroke mildly the tip of my ear and his other hand, softly, my hair.
I feel I am melting, under the delicacy of my T'hai'la's caresses, by the warmth he is capable of enveloping me in, with his gestures, with his heavenly... heavenly, yes, I think this is the felicitous term... his heavenly words.
I'm almost unable to speak, and with effort I manage to ask him... "What... what do you mean, Ashayam?
His lap trembles, lightly, because of the soft laugh that bursts out at my question, and the tenuous vibrating of his body beneath my cheek deepens the fervent sensation I'm basking in.
"Well, Hon. For certain he's not very logical, the Human man who begins his talk with legitimate worry about his possible inadequacy to make his Vulcan woman happy, and who ends up saying he will do this for all the time she and he will share their lives, and even beyond. If his initial anxiety weren't still there, palpable and... logical."
I lift my head, raising my eyes to look at his cheerful eyes. My voice is husky when I attempt to reply.
"T'hai'la, I think..."
Then I must stop abruptly, the words I want to say dying in my throat.
He has taken my face again between his hands and has begun to stroke both tips of my ears with his thumbs, his fingers brushing fondly and purposely all of my ears.
I close my eyes tightly, losing myself in the heartbreaking sensation he makes me feel, the throb flashing inside me like the first time he made me feel so in the Decon Room, only a lunar shadow of what he has been capable of giving me afterward, of what he's giving me now.
Of what he will give me in the future.
I hear a sort of sound, shrill and at the same time smothered, and suddenly I realize it's my voice.
I'm... I'm purring! Like a... like a kitten in love!
I snap my eyes wide open and detach myself quickly from him, standing up swiftly in front of him, panting, my mouth half-open, feeling that my ears are warm and red surely not only from his caresses, looking down baffled at his face, at the mocking smile which is beaming sweetly and affectionately in his eyes and on his visage.
I stutter among my wheezing.
"I... I... I th... I think you will... you will... you will succeed in your purpose with... with flying colors!"
The entrancing sound of his laugh swallows up me.
Late Evening - Sickbay
******
This night is strange. Yes. Strange. I don't know, there's something tonight.
Damn!
DAMN? What the hell?
(*WHAT THE HELL? *)
But... how the hell am I thinking? Like Commander Tucker's mood? Really?
I... yes! I'm thinking like this. I'm using his phrasing and his... peculiar... human mood.
Bloody hell!
BLOODY HELL?
And now? Also Malcom's... - MALCOM'S? - ... Lieu... Lieutenant Reed's phrasing and mood are grasping my brain?
This Human mood is really catching, I must admit, and, after all, I don't have to feel ashamed, forasmuch as even a Vulcan like T'Pol fell as its prey not too rarely.
I can only smile softly. (*Well, maybe she didn't fall prey to Human mood, solely. *)
I return to seriousness and worry. Yes, I am worried, because this is the point. Really this night is strange, and really I'm behaving in a Human mood, but how could I act differently, after I lived here, on Enterprise, for such a long time, becoming aware of everyone's troubles? And, above all, of the troubles of the two Commanders?
How... how could I not get worried, knowing that, in not too little measure, I'm responsible for their troubles, and... for their destiny, ultimately?
I'm unable to feed my little pets, this night. I can't manage to focus on this simple task. The fact is that I'm aware that the two Commanders are talking to the Captain at this time, like T'Pol confided in me, as her doctor and her friend, or they have done this already, and so I am worried and... yes... also scared, in actual truth.
I know perfectly well the Captain's feelings.
I frown. Yes I know them, I know the depth of his soul better than he himself.
I pause my hand, almost unconsciously, while I'm attempting to calm myself down sweetly caressing the rump of one of my little pets.
Will the Captain be capable of understanding? Really and fully? To face himself, truly?
I close my eyes lightly.
Will he succeed in defeating his demons, the demons he refused to fight against, almost to acknowledge?
Or - I stand up and begin to pace up and down, as Humans do when they don't know what they have to do - or will he abandon the Commanders to their fate, under the regulation's cold mantle? A fate... - I close my eyes in fear knowing -... an appallingly dreadful fate, if they will be alone, exposed to the awful revenge of their enemies, of those who did swear to Commander Tucker's atrocious death and the resulting horrible sorrow of his Vulcan woman.
For those who are incapable of understanding the purity and the clarity of a love which is able to nullify the void between two worlds, the abyss which blind stupidity so often opens wide between people and populations different from each other only by their different culture.
The Captain... - I halt in front of sickbay's door, staring at it, like I were wanting to see what is happening beyond it -... the Captain... the man who so often and so readily has been capable of rising above the others... this man... will he be capable of flying above this abyss? Of soaring above his Human... yes, Human... frailties?
Or will he succumb, as many... many men, even the greatest, did before him?
I... I cannot stay here, in this uncertainty! I found a... a family, here, on Enterprise, after all. Yes! A family! And... and I cannot... I cannot not give a damn about my family!
I must talk to the Captain! Yes. I must do it. And to hell with my doctor aplomb!
I throw myself toward the sickbay's door and dive into the corridor through it.
Damn!
DAMN? What the hell?
(*WHAT THE HELL? *)
But... how the hell am I thinking? Like Commander Tucker's mood? Really?
I... yes! I'm thinking like this. I'm using his phrasing and his... peculiar... human mood.
Bloody hell!
BLOODY HELL?
And now? Also Malcom's... - MALCOM'S? - ... Lieu... Lieutenant Reed's phrasing and mood are grasping my brain?
This Human mood is really catching, I must admit, and, after all, I don't have to feel ashamed, forasmuch as even a Vulcan like T'Pol fell as its prey not too rarely.
I can only smile softly. (*Well, maybe she didn't fall prey to Human mood, solely. *)
I return to seriousness and worry. Yes, I am worried, because this is the point. Really this night is strange, and really I'm behaving in a Human mood, but how could I act differently, after I lived here, on Enterprise, for such a long time, becoming aware of everyone's troubles? And, above all, of the troubles of the two Commanders?
How... how could I not get worried, knowing that, in not too little measure, I'm responsible for their troubles, and... for their destiny, ultimately?
I'm unable to feed my little pets, this night. I can't manage to focus on this simple task. The fact is that I'm aware that the two Commanders are talking to the Captain at this time, like T'Pol confided in me, as her doctor and her friend, or they have done this already, and so I am worried and... yes... also scared, in actual truth.
I know perfectly well the Captain's feelings.
I frown. Yes I know them, I know the depth of his soul better than he himself.
I pause my hand, almost unconsciously, while I'm attempting to calm myself down sweetly caressing the rump of one of my little pets.
Will the Captain be capable of understanding? Really and fully? To face himself, truly?
I close my eyes lightly.
Will he succeed in defeating his demons, the demons he refused to fight against, almost to acknowledge?
Or - I stand up and begin to pace up and down, as Humans do when they don't know what they have to do - or will he abandon the Commanders to their fate, under the regulation's cold mantle? A fate... - I close my eyes in fear knowing -... an appallingly dreadful fate, if they will be alone, exposed to the awful revenge of their enemies, of those who did swear to Commander Tucker's atrocious death and the resulting horrible sorrow of his Vulcan woman.
For those who are incapable of understanding the purity and the clarity of a love which is able to nullify the void between two worlds, the abyss which blind stupidity so often opens wide between people and populations different from each other only by their different culture.
The Captain... - I halt in front of sickbay's door, staring at it, like I were wanting to see what is happening beyond it -... the Captain... the man who so often and so readily has been capable of rising above the others... this man... will he be capable of flying above this abyss? Of soaring above his Human... yes, Human... frailties?
Or will he succumb, as many... many men, even the greatest, did before him?
I... I cannot stay here, in this uncertainty! I found a... a family, here, on Enterprise, after all. Yes! A family! And... and I cannot... I cannot not give a damn about my family!
I must talk to the Captain! Yes. I must do it. And to hell with my doctor aplomb!
I throw myself toward the sickbay's door and dive into the corridor through it.
Late Evening - Tucker Quarters. Once more.
******
I try to awaken from the light-headedness my T'hai'la's abashing laughter sunk me into, as a roguish thought suddenly fills my mind.
A roguish thought. In my brain. DAMN BOND! Will be... will be damned... this wondrous bond!
(*So my... rascally K'diwa, you love to make me dizzy? You love to joke with my Vulcan being? YOU LOVE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR POWER OVER ME?*)
I stare down at him, my look stern and firm, and - I must admit - I take a subtle satisfaction from the sudden worried concern I see in his eyes. I think our shared lives won't be boring, ever. If events and people won't be enough, the two of us - I and my T'hai'la - will be able to do the trick perfectly.
The colloquialism I used unconsciously makes me almost smile, because it underlines with absolute clarity the rightness of my reasoning.
(*Very well, my T'hai'la. Now I will demonstrate to you that our Bond is certainly not one-way. Thank to you, I can... joke with your Human being. AND I LOVE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY POWER OVER YOU!*)
"Everything, T'hai'la?"
He raises his eyebrow, puzzled over what I mean. I almost jump, seeing him do this. Yes. Indubitably our Bond is unspeakably unique.
I speak purposely to him. "I mean, you said you would do everything to make me happy."
"Uh... I did."
(*How far will his eyebrow be going up?*)
"What do you think if you begin to do this... now?"
"Uh... sure."
(*Is it possible that his eyebrow will break, because of the extent it is going up?*)
"So..." - My voice is a tenuous whisper - "...why don't you take your medicine NOW, without any complaint?"
I'm afraid now. His eyebrow runs the risk of really getting broken, his mouth agape.
" Hon, please stop ..."
" ... acting as if I were your nanny?"
Priceless. Uniquely in this way can be described the expression which appears on his face, as I finish his phrase with the exact words he was about to say. And, honestly - I can't deny it - it's priceless the pleasure I feel at the stunned and forlorn expression he displays when I add... "But I told you I don't dislike it, and I think you, too, don't dislike it. It would be illogical to deny that, for both you and me."
Priceless. Exactly that.
But, after some instants of silence, he quickly shuts his mouth, and, after right, he speaks in a bantering way.
"Okay, my nanny!" - I feel suddenly unease. I have learned to have fear when he shows this look and this mood. I know that when he is behaving like this, he is setting some kind of trap for me, and... and never have I learned to not fall into his... damned traps! - "You're right, and logical, obviously. I will take my medicine. Without any complaint."
There's a cattish smile on his face, now.
(*Which... which sort of trap are you preparing for me? *)
"However, my sweet nanny, I can't take my medicine easily. Do you want to help me? I mean, could you help me drink it? My personal nanny can be my personal nurse, too, I think. In point of fact you were this already, weren't you? And now this would facilitate my endeavour to make my personal nanny and nurse... HAPPY."
This time it's my turn to raise my eyebrow. In defeat. Yes. But also in delight. I love the trap he set for me, and I will fall into it joyously. I know what he means and what he wants me to do.
(*Happy? Yes, my T'hai'la, I will be happy to feel your head sweetly reclined on my bosom, while I will amorously put my arm around your neck, helping you to gulp down the medicine you hate, holding you like I did so many times when you were lying in your bed yet, but finally able to eat and to drink, and I was helping you to do this.*)
I sigh, resigned, but I know he can feel my enjoyment.
"I will bring your medicine to you."
A roguish thought. In my brain. DAMN BOND! Will be... will be damned... this wondrous bond!
(*So my... rascally K'diwa, you love to make me dizzy? You love to joke with my Vulcan being? YOU LOVE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR POWER OVER ME?*)
I stare down at him, my look stern and firm, and - I must admit - I take a subtle satisfaction from the sudden worried concern I see in his eyes. I think our shared lives won't be boring, ever. If events and people won't be enough, the two of us - I and my T'hai'la - will be able to do the trick perfectly.
The colloquialism I used unconsciously makes me almost smile, because it underlines with absolute clarity the rightness of my reasoning.
(*Very well, my T'hai'la. Now I will demonstrate to you that our Bond is certainly not one-way. Thank to you, I can... joke with your Human being. AND I LOVE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY POWER OVER YOU!*)
"Everything, T'hai'la?"
He raises his eyebrow, puzzled over what I mean. I almost jump, seeing him do this. Yes. Indubitably our Bond is unspeakably unique.
I speak purposely to him. "I mean, you said you would do everything to make me happy."
"Uh... I did."
(*How far will his eyebrow be going up?*)
"What do you think if you begin to do this... now?"
"Uh... sure."
(*Is it possible that his eyebrow will break, because of the extent it is going up?*)
"So..." - My voice is a tenuous whisper - "...why don't you take your medicine NOW, without any complaint?"
I'm afraid now. His eyebrow runs the risk of really getting broken, his mouth agape.
" Hon, please stop ..."
" ... acting as if I were your nanny?"
Priceless. Uniquely in this way can be described the expression which appears on his face, as I finish his phrase with the exact words he was about to say. And, honestly - I can't deny it - it's priceless the pleasure I feel at the stunned and forlorn expression he displays when I add... "But I told you I don't dislike it, and I think you, too, don't dislike it. It would be illogical to deny that, for both you and me."
Priceless. Exactly that.
But, after some instants of silence, he quickly shuts his mouth, and, after right, he speaks in a bantering way.
"Okay, my nanny!" - I feel suddenly unease. I have learned to have fear when he shows this look and this mood. I know that when he is behaving like this, he is setting some kind of trap for me, and... and never have I learned to not fall into his... damned traps! - "You're right, and logical, obviously. I will take my medicine. Without any complaint."
There's a cattish smile on his face, now.
(*Which... which sort of trap are you preparing for me? *)
"However, my sweet nanny, I can't take my medicine easily. Do you want to help me? I mean, could you help me drink it? My personal nanny can be my personal nurse, too, I think. In point of fact you were this already, weren't you? And now this would facilitate my endeavour to make my personal nanny and nurse... HAPPY."
This time it's my turn to raise my eyebrow. In defeat. Yes. But also in delight. I love the trap he set for me, and I will fall into it joyously. I know what he means and what he wants me to do.
(*Happy? Yes, my T'hai'la, I will be happy to feel your head sweetly reclined on my bosom, while I will amorously put my arm around your neck, helping you to gulp down the medicine you hate, holding you like I did so many times when you were lying in your bed yet, but finally able to eat and to drink, and I was helping you to do this.*)
I sigh, resigned, but I know he can feel my enjoyment.
"I will bring your medicine to you."
Late Evening - Corridor.
******
I need something, maybe a beverage. Maybe an alcoholic beverage. Yes. Maybe with some kind of food. Yes. Energetic. Yes. Pecan pie. Not only Commander T'Pol learned to like it. Yes. I need this. It... it will help to face the Captain. Yes. To the Mess Hall. A little strengthening break, a respite, before the possible strife.
It... it's easier to cure people than to handle the task I feel I have to do.
A brief pause. Nothing else. What can it matter?
Okay. Here. The Mess Hall. It's late. There shouldn't be anyone. Any...
I stop, suddenly. There's someone. Two people. Lieutenant Reed and Ensign Sato. In a corner of the room. They are talking to each other. They are intent, so intent that they didn't notice me. They... are holding each other hand!
It was to be expected! There's no way. It's impossible, absurd... idiotic... to demand that people, women and men, can share their fights, their fears, their dreams in the crampedness of a spaceship without some of them desiring, at a certain moment, to share their lives also.
Commander Tucker and Commander T'Pol are the first, and they have the greatest importance because of this and because of what they are, what they mean, but they are inevitably only the first.
And my task takes another meaning, now. If possible even more poignant.
I must leave. Yes. I must, before the couple notices me. I must...
"Ma peti... Hoshi, I'm sure you know what the Terra Primes' new leader screamed when he had been captured, his hate for Trip, his oath that never Terra Primers would find peace before they... kill Trip."
Mister Reed's words come clearly to my ears.
I withdraw, pressing myself to the wall, silent, holding my breath, glad that the intensity of their talk prevented them from hearing the door's noise and my entering.
I want to hear more. I need that.
They are letting go their hands.
"Those weren't empty words. Masaro's database is clear. Trip is targeted. His destiny is... murky. And I, together with... some other people, found other information."
I am hardly even sighing.
"Hoshi, the moment Trip and T'Pol will be alone, doesn't matter where, their destiny... their fate... will be signed. There's... there's a web, widespread and impalpable, which involves... not only Humans. You can cut some meshes, but it will be still there. And this web, now, has only one purpose. Only one motto."
Which motto?
"A sole watchword, Hoshi, which not even Trip knows."
Which?
"Crush!"
That's the whole truth! The truth I have suspected.
"This is the obsession of those bastards, now, Hoshi. More than earlier, by now. Crush Commander Tucker. Annihilate him. And, together with him, his Vulcan... bitch. Terra Primers lost practically any ideological connotation, or, rather, it is sucked into this obsession, into an entanglement, a maggoty horde of sordid ideas, of dirty intentions, which are encapsulated in this sole word."
The Lieutenant repeats this word, and it sounds as an obscenity on his mouth.
"Crush."
His voice is bitter and somber, as he goes on.
"Crush those damned Star-Crossed Lovers."
Then he keeps on, his tone resounding hard and determined.
"Hoshi, I cannot permit this. If they can't stay here, on Enterprise, the unique place where they can live in safety, I will leave this ship in my turn. I don't care about my career, I don't know if they will want me to stay near them, but in one way or another I will try to protect them. Trip... and T'Pol... are my friends. I will keep watch over them, taking advantage from my acquaintances and from my skills. And to hell with Enterprise, and also our Captain!"
I'm unable even to think! I hear Hoshi's low voice.
"Do you think, if they will agree to have someone with them, do... do you think T'Pol will be glad to have a Human woman, who's a true friend of her, to talk with, while you will be joking with Trip?"
I'm frozen. I hear the Lieutenant's reply.
"I think she will be happy of that."
A brief pause, then...
"But certainly not as much as me."
I almost haven't thoughts! Enterprise won't be anything if this happens. If the Captain won't understand, if he won't face destiny... I can not even think about what will happen!
Trip and T'Pol... could... die!
Malcolm and Hoshi could follow their fate!
Enterprise... the life of the Captain himself... the home, the novel family I found... will become the shadow of what it was!
And the Captain... and I...
To hell with my pause and my fears!
I come out silently from the Mess Hall, hoping the couple doesn't notice anything.
I rush toward the Captain's quarters.
I reach them.
I stop before the door.
I raise my hand to push the doorbell.
And the door opens all of a sudden, revealing the Captain's figure.
It... it's easier to cure people than to handle the task I feel I have to do.
A brief pause. Nothing else. What can it matter?
Okay. Here. The Mess Hall. It's late. There shouldn't be anyone. Any...
I stop, suddenly. There's someone. Two people. Lieutenant Reed and Ensign Sato. In a corner of the room. They are talking to each other. They are intent, so intent that they didn't notice me. They... are holding each other hand!
It was to be expected! There's no way. It's impossible, absurd... idiotic... to demand that people, women and men, can share their fights, their fears, their dreams in the crampedness of a spaceship without some of them desiring, at a certain moment, to share their lives also.
Commander Tucker and Commander T'Pol are the first, and they have the greatest importance because of this and because of what they are, what they mean, but they are inevitably only the first.
And my task takes another meaning, now. If possible even more poignant.
I must leave. Yes. I must, before the couple notices me. I must...
"Ma peti... Hoshi, I'm sure you know what the Terra Primes' new leader screamed when he had been captured, his hate for Trip, his oath that never Terra Primers would find peace before they... kill Trip."
Mister Reed's words come clearly to my ears.
I withdraw, pressing myself to the wall, silent, holding my breath, glad that the intensity of their talk prevented them from hearing the door's noise and my entering.
I want to hear more. I need that.
They are letting go their hands.
"Those weren't empty words. Masaro's database is clear. Trip is targeted. His destiny is... murky. And I, together with... some other people, found other information."
I am hardly even sighing.
"Hoshi, the moment Trip and T'Pol will be alone, doesn't matter where, their destiny... their fate... will be signed. There's... there's a web, widespread and impalpable, which involves... not only Humans. You can cut some meshes, but it will be still there. And this web, now, has only one purpose. Only one motto."
Which motto?
"A sole watchword, Hoshi, which not even Trip knows."
Which?
"Crush!"
That's the whole truth! The truth I have suspected.
"This is the obsession of those bastards, now, Hoshi. More than earlier, by now. Crush Commander Tucker. Annihilate him. And, together with him, his Vulcan... bitch. Terra Primers lost practically any ideological connotation, or, rather, it is sucked into this obsession, into an entanglement, a maggoty horde of sordid ideas, of dirty intentions, which are encapsulated in this sole word."
The Lieutenant repeats this word, and it sounds as an obscenity on his mouth.
"Crush."
His voice is bitter and somber, as he goes on.
"Crush those damned Star-Crossed Lovers."
Then he keeps on, his tone resounding hard and determined.
"Hoshi, I cannot permit this. If they can't stay here, on Enterprise, the unique place where they can live in safety, I will leave this ship in my turn. I don't care about my career, I don't know if they will want me to stay near them, but in one way or another I will try to protect them. Trip... and T'Pol... are my friends. I will keep watch over them, taking advantage from my acquaintances and from my skills. And to hell with Enterprise, and also our Captain!"
I'm unable even to think! I hear Hoshi's low voice.
"Do you think, if they will agree to have someone with them, do... do you think T'Pol will be glad to have a Human woman, who's a true friend of her, to talk with, while you will be joking with Trip?"
I'm frozen. I hear the Lieutenant's reply.
"I think she will be happy of that."
A brief pause, then...
"But certainly not as much as me."
I almost haven't thoughts! Enterprise won't be anything if this happens. If the Captain won't understand, if he won't face destiny... I can not even think about what will happen!
Trip and T'Pol... could... die!
Malcolm and Hoshi could follow their fate!
Enterprise... the life of the Captain himself... the home, the novel family I found... will become the shadow of what it was!
And the Captain... and I...
To hell with my pause and my fears!
I come out silently from the Mess Hall, hoping the couple doesn't notice anything.
I rush toward the Captain's quarters.
I reach them.
I stop before the door.
I raise my hand to push the doorbell.
And the door opens all of a sudden, revealing the Captain's figure.
Late Evening - In front of the door of Archer Quarters.
******
What the hell? The doctor? Here and now? Nobody sleeps tonight? Are all people like me, who the moment was falling in sleep's embrace was shaken from it by the thought of the damned new task I have to do, of the new big deal in my life?
I look at Phlox puzzled.
I realize all of a sudden why he's in front of my room, now, at this time of day.
He knows.
He knows about Trip and T'Pol, before and better than me.
He knows what their intentions were, tonight, their will to ask me to let them go away from Enterprise, because of their needs and of their fear about my feelings.
He knows me, and my feelings.
And he wants to plead for his, and my, friends.
I feel my heart airy and... I feel desire to joke, to tease him.
"Well Doctor, I'm pleased to meet you here. You preceded me. I was going to go to sickbay."
"You..." - I can perceive his disconcertment - "... you feel sick, Captain? Do you need me?"
I laugh. " Not at all, Phlox, not at all!" I wink. "I never felt better than now."
Then I decide I have to make him aware.
"I was about to fall asleep, Phlox, quietly and gladly, for the first time in a long time." I watch him steadily. "Without any of your medicines"
My intentional look doesn't leave him. "No heavy stone into my soul, by now, Doctor. No one."
I'm sure he understands. It's clear, from his face, from his attentive and knowing look.
"But the moment sleep was defeating me, I was forced to wake."
Our eyes are fixed on one another.
"I had to think about... my life, and the life of..." - I stress my words - "... a certain... strange and unique... couple, that put trust in me."
I pause briefly, so that my words can be absorbed by the Doctor's brain, that their meaning can be totally plain to him. Then I go on, again talking purposely to him.
"The next days will be tense, Phlox. I have to perform a difficult task." - I clench my eyes. - "I need all my lucidity to convince the Admiralty that Trip and T'Pol must stay together, the one with the other, as a veritable couple, here, on Enterprise."
No half-words, no veiled thoughts. The Doctor doesn't deserve that.
"So, when I had planned everything and was again on the point to really hit the sack at last, I understood I had to do something else, yet."
I take the tubule of pills from my jacket's pocket, and I hand it to Phlox.
"I was exiting my quarters to bring this to you."
He takes the tubule from my hands without speaking, looking at it strangely for a short moment, before he put it in his own pocket, levelling a meaningful stare at me.
"Doctor, I think I don't need this anymore."
Then I decide to cede to my Human mood. Who knows if the Doctor is able to share it, as T'Pol clearly demonstrated to me she's capable of doing. Eh... but Trip has surely been a matchless maestro. And, not only for T'Pol, that's for sure. What a deucedly invading friend I have!
"Oh but, Doctor, please forgive me. I was totally focusing on me, without any care of your necessities. Surely, if you're here and now to push my doorbell, you must have many good reasons. Please, Phlox, come in, and tell me what you have to say."
Well! The Doctor's face is not as beautiful as T'Pol's, of course, when he takes such a stunned and embarrassed expression, mirror of that one I saw on my First Officer's visage during this unrepeatable night, but it undoubtedly has its worth.
His mouth is half-open, as if he were searching for some words, for something... logical... to say.
(*Logical? For God's sake! Between Trip and T'Pol's influence, I run the risk of losing my own brain!*)
And I go on, amusedly. "Something wrong, Doctor? Maybe - I sneer - you forgot what you had to say to me?"
There's not the smallest sign that his mouth will shut.
"Oh, don't worry, Doc. Perhaps it's only some lack of sleep. Who knows, it's possible that these pills can help you, can't they?"
His mouth closes with force. I swear I could hear the sound of his teeth clashing against one another. He straightens, looking at me with trampled dignity. And finally he finds his voice.
And it resounds slightly higher compared to his usual tone
"It's possible Captain." He clears his throat. "I have to return to sickbay. Goodnight, Captain."
"Goodnight, Doc."
I watch him go away, his back erect, a mocking smile on my mouth.
Then, I turn around and enter my quarters, the door closing behind my shoulders.
I sigh, the smile doesn't leave my lips.
Enough, now. All is done, all is ready, all is planned.
It's time to sleep, finally. Really.
Preparing myself for my wondrous coming day.
And for my task.
I look at Phlox puzzled.
I realize all of a sudden why he's in front of my room, now, at this time of day.
He knows.
He knows about Trip and T'Pol, before and better than me.
He knows what their intentions were, tonight, their will to ask me to let them go away from Enterprise, because of their needs and of their fear about my feelings.
He knows me, and my feelings.
And he wants to plead for his, and my, friends.
I feel my heart airy and... I feel desire to joke, to tease him.
"Well Doctor, I'm pleased to meet you here. You preceded me. I was going to go to sickbay."
"You..." - I can perceive his disconcertment - "... you feel sick, Captain? Do you need me?"
I laugh. " Not at all, Phlox, not at all!" I wink. "I never felt better than now."
Then I decide I have to make him aware.
"I was about to fall asleep, Phlox, quietly and gladly, for the first time in a long time." I watch him steadily. "Without any of your medicines"
My intentional look doesn't leave him. "No heavy stone into my soul, by now, Doctor. No one."
I'm sure he understands. It's clear, from his face, from his attentive and knowing look.
"But the moment sleep was defeating me, I was forced to wake."
Our eyes are fixed on one another.
"I had to think about... my life, and the life of..." - I stress my words - "... a certain... strange and unique... couple, that put trust in me."
I pause briefly, so that my words can be absorbed by the Doctor's brain, that their meaning can be totally plain to him. Then I go on, again talking purposely to him.
"The next days will be tense, Phlox. I have to perform a difficult task." - I clench my eyes. - "I need all my lucidity to convince the Admiralty that Trip and T'Pol must stay together, the one with the other, as a veritable couple, here, on Enterprise."
No half-words, no veiled thoughts. The Doctor doesn't deserve that.
"So, when I had planned everything and was again on the point to really hit the sack at last, I understood I had to do something else, yet."
I take the tubule of pills from my jacket's pocket, and I hand it to Phlox.
"I was exiting my quarters to bring this to you."
He takes the tubule from my hands without speaking, looking at it strangely for a short moment, before he put it in his own pocket, levelling a meaningful stare at me.
"Doctor, I think I don't need this anymore."
Then I decide to cede to my Human mood. Who knows if the Doctor is able to share it, as T'Pol clearly demonstrated to me she's capable of doing. Eh... but Trip has surely been a matchless maestro. And, not only for T'Pol, that's for sure. What a deucedly invading friend I have!
"Oh but, Doctor, please forgive me. I was totally focusing on me, without any care of your necessities. Surely, if you're here and now to push my doorbell, you must have many good reasons. Please, Phlox, come in, and tell me what you have to say."
Well! The Doctor's face is not as beautiful as T'Pol's, of course, when he takes such a stunned and embarrassed expression, mirror of that one I saw on my First Officer's visage during this unrepeatable night, but it undoubtedly has its worth.
His mouth is half-open, as if he were searching for some words, for something... logical... to say.
(*Logical? For God's sake! Between Trip and T'Pol's influence, I run the risk of losing my own brain!*)
And I go on, amusedly. "Something wrong, Doctor? Maybe - I sneer - you forgot what you had to say to me?"
There's not the smallest sign that his mouth will shut.
"Oh, don't worry, Doc. Perhaps it's only some lack of sleep. Who knows, it's possible that these pills can help you, can't they?"
His mouth closes with force. I swear I could hear the sound of his teeth clashing against one another. He straightens, looking at me with trampled dignity. And finally he finds his voice.
And it resounds slightly higher compared to his usual tone
"It's possible Captain." He clears his throat. "I have to return to sickbay. Goodnight, Captain."
"Goodnight, Doc."
I watch him go away, his back erect, a mocking smile on my mouth.
Then, I turn around and enter my quarters, the door closing behind my shoulders.
I sigh, the smile doesn't leave my lips.
Enough, now. All is done, all is ready, all is planned.
It's time to sleep, finally. Really.
Preparing myself for my wondrous coming day.
And for my task.
End of the second chapter of the first part.
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(1) Well, we must say that our Trip is truly gifted with a good memory. He even manages to repeat word by word what he said on one occasion in which, it is to believe, he wasn't exactly at the peak of his physical and mental faculties. Do you remember "Destiny"?
(2) Oh yes, my friends. These are words that no one could ever ignore. Words able to shake the veins and wrists. Especially to T'Pol, do not you think? And indeed it is so. Do you remember "Honeymoon Evening"?
(3) Well, we know this very well, don't we, my friends? Do you remember "The Force?"
(1) Well, we must say that our Trip is truly gifted with a good memory. He even manages to repeat word by word what he said on one occasion in which, it is to believe, he wasn't exactly at the peak of his physical and mental faculties. Do you remember "Destiny"?
(2) Oh yes, my friends. These are words that no one could ever ignore. Words able to shake the veins and wrists. Especially to T'Pol, do not you think? And indeed it is so. Do you remember "Honeymoon Evening"?
(3) Well, we know this very well, don't we, my friends? Do you remember "The Force?"
_______________________________________________
Oh yes. I just think that, by now, all of you have well understood what kind of "beast" is this Human Mood.
Of course, it is a beast quite capable of printing that expression between the affected and bewildered that you can see on the face of the Doctor, while turning to look at the Captain.
And you can not see, because he is from behind, but there's to be more than sure that the Captain is looking at Phlox with a half smile that reveals, even in him, all the power of this "Human Mood".
And you can not see, because he is from behind, but there's to be more than sure that the Captain is looking at Phlox with a half smile that reveals, even in him, all the power of this "Human Mood".
*********
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COPYRIGHT 2013 © Asso - [email protected]
COPYRIGHT 2013 © Asso - [email protected]